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04-05-2017, 03:34 AM   #436
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56. When stepping in, walk to the back of the elevator and face the back wall.
57. Stand directly in front of someone else, facing them from really close up.
58. Constantly scratch yourself as if you have a major itch, all over your body.
59. Silent fart and then accusingly stare at the person next to you.
60. At every stop, pretend to be an old-school elevator operator and announce the floor as if it's a department store. "Ladies Underwear" "Mens Shoes", etc.

04-05-2017, 03:34 AM - 1 Like   #437
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QuoteOriginally posted by pjv Quote
I think I'll be taking the stairs from now on.
That's where the real crazies hang out!
04-05-2017, 05:49 AM   #438
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When I enter a lift, I'll often say "2nd floor, driver" (assuming I want the second floor).

You'd be surpresed how often someone will press the button.
04-05-2017, 06:05 AM - 3 Likes   #439
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True story.
In a tall hospital building elevator, starting on about floor 12, we got on and pressed "Lobby."
Down one floor, more people enter. "What floor?" Answer "Lobby."
A couple more floors down another stop, a few more enter. "What floor?" "Lobby."
This repeated four times when I commented. "Guess we're all going to 'L.'" The remark was appreciated.

04-06-2017, 03:28 PM - 7 Likes   #440
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One of my favorite dad jokes

My dad just walked into my room and asked, "what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?" and left
04-07-2017, 11:33 PM - 6 Likes   #441
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When I pass away, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather did.
Not crying and screaming like the 4 passengers in his car.
04-08-2017, 06:17 AM - 4 Likes   #442
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The co-ed arrives on campus her freshman year and discovers that everyone rides bikes to get to class, etc.
She sends a text to her dad, a veterinarian, and tells him she needs money for a bike, so he sends her a hundred dollars.
She finds a great deal on a used bike and uses the extra money to buy a pet monkey.
A week later the monkey starts losing its hair, so she sends her veterinarian dad a text saying "The hair on my monkey is falling out, what should I do?"
He texted back, "Sell the bike!"

04-08-2017, 10:07 AM   #443
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My granddad died at over ninety.

Told him to slow down for the bend.
04-09-2017, 03:20 AM - 1 Like   #444
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One for the Scots amongst us:

Man walks into a Glaswegian bakery, has a look at the cakes in the display and points to one item. He asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?" The baker looks at were the mans hand is pointing and replies "No, you're right enough. It's a doughnut"

Translations available on request......
04-09-2017, 06:46 AM   #445
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A New Yorker cartoon from the 1930's.

Two scientists, one making notes on a clipboard, stand before tiers of cages. In the front most one a rat has hanged itself from the top bars.
The scientist with the clipboard observes: "Discouraging results on the antidepressant."
04-09-2017, 10:23 AM   #446
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QuoteOriginally posted by Liney Quote
"No, you're right enough. It's a doughnut"
Translations available on request......
Yes, please translate, this Canadian doesn't get it.
04-09-2017, 11:12 AM - 1 Like   #447
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QuoteOriginally posted by audiobomber Quote
Yes, please translate, this Canadian doesn't get it.
If you say (in a Glaswegian accent) " or Am I wrong " ... "or am I wrang " ... " or A meringue "...
04-09-2017, 03:04 PM   #448
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What bxf said.....
04-09-2017, 05:04 PM   #449
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Also from an old New Yorker cartoon.

Two young women are chatting.
"And did you enjoy your honeymoon."
"Heavens yes. I met the most exciting young man."
04-15-2017, 03:29 AM - 4 Likes   #450
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I met a man yesterday with one leg called Bert.

I don't know what his other leg was called.
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