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04-29-2017, 07:14 PM   #511
bxf
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Lawyer Bashing
PG-Rated

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and the other one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator!

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor!

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing! There are some things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

04-29-2017, 07:40 PM - 3 Likes   #512
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2 medical students were standing on the corner, waiting to cross, when they noticed an old man shuffling across the street toward them.

One medical student says to the other, “See how that old man is walking as he crosses the street. I bet he needs hip replacements.” The other medical student watches the old man for a moment and replies “No, from the way he’s keeping his knees together he most definitely needs knee replacement.”

About that time the old man had finally finished crossing the street to where the 2 medical students were standing. The 1st medical student says to the old man “Sir, we are 2 medical students and in the interest of furthering our medical educations would you please help us answer a medical question regarding your condition?” The old man nodded yes and the medical student said, “We couldn’t help but notice the way you were crossing the street, my friend here believes that you are in need of knee surgery but I, on the other hand, believe your problem is hip related. Could you please tell us what the problem really is?”

The old man looked at the 2 medical students and said, “Let me get this straight, you think it is a hip problem while the other one thinks it was a knee problem. Well, it looks like we are all wrong because I thought it was a fart!”

DAZ
04-30-2017, 02:38 AM - 2 Likes   #513
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If we're on students.....

A student was walking along the river bank when he slips and falls in. A group of other students saw this, and one dived in to rescue the drowning student. The rescuer gets to the victim, and swims to the bank with the other in his arms.

The rescuer half drags the lifeless body out of the water, climbs out and immediately starts mouth to mouth. Finding that the victims lungs appear to be full of water, the student rolls the victim over and starts rhythmically pumping down on the victims back.

With each down swing a gout of water ejects from the victims mouth. By this point a crowd had gathered to watch the fun, but after a couple of minutes one of the crowd spoke up and asked the rescuer "excuse me, if that the right thing to be doing"? The rescuer looked up and replied "Look, I'm a second year medical student, if we don't get the water out of the lungs we can't carry on with CPR..."

The questioner considered this for a second, and replied "Well you may be a second year med student, but I'm a third year engineering student and I reckon if you don't get the arse out of the water all you'll do is drain the river........"
05-03-2017, 08:16 AM - 6 Likes   #514
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A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. ​ The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. ​ The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. ​ Then, one guy tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

05-03-2017, 09:44 AM - 2 Likes   #515
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Young Bertwert was thrilled to be asked by the preacher to play Amazing Grace on the bagpipes for Sunday's service.
About a minute into his solo a voice from the back of the congregation boomed out "The bagpipe player is an idiot!"
Upset by this outburst the preacher asked "Will the person who called the bagpipe player an idiot please stand up."
No reaction, so the preacher repeated his request "Will the person that called the bagpipe player an idiot please stand."
Again nothing, so he asked again "Please, will the person stand up that called the bagpipe player an idiot."

Finally a man sitting 6 pews back stood up and said "I'm not the person who called the bagpipe player an idiot, what I want to know is who called this idiot a bagpipe player?"

Last edited by robtcorl; 05-03-2017 at 10:23 AM.
05-03-2017, 06:18 PM - 7 Likes   #516
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
05-04-2017, 07:25 AM   #517
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I wish you had told this joke 6 months ago. The local high school near me had a referendum on revamping the school pool to make it an Olympic regulation size. This would have required tearing down the outside wall of the building and rebuilding it. It would have required a sizable tax increase to pay for it. We had people from both sides the debate knocking on our door.

This would have been a brilliant response.

05-04-2017, 02:24 PM - 2 Likes   #518
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"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear,' and dozed off."
05-05-2017, 04:33 PM   #519
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That sounds like my house.
05-05-2017, 07:44 PM - 2 Likes   #520
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May the force be...

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...equal to mass times acceleration.
05-05-2017, 07:46 PM - 2 Likes   #521
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
My wife got a pretty good look at you.
In keeping with the theme...

A bunch of English people were on a fox hunt in the forest. One man took a somewhat blind shot into the woods, upon which a red faced gentleman jumped out and exclaimed "I say old man, you almost shot my wife!".

The shooter replied "Oh, did I? Awfully sorry, old chap. Do have a shot at mine over there".
05-06-2017, 03:56 AM - 3 Likes   #522
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Some people think that complete and finished are the same thing.
This not correct.
If you marry the right one, you are complete.
If you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

If the right one sees you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
05-07-2017, 04:18 PM - 5 Likes   #523
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QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
In keeping with the theme...

A bunch of English people were on a fox hunt in the forest. One man took a somewhat blind shot into the woods, upon which a red faced gentleman jumped out and exclaimed "I say old man, you almost shot my wife!".

The shooter replied "Oh, did I? Awfully sorry, old chap. Do have a shot at mine over there".
That reminded me of the old joke of the two old colonials sitting on the porch at Shady Pines, when the one says to the other: (Read in your best stiff upper lip English accent)

"And there we were, old boy, our guide and the dogs were upwind and the next moment, the largest lion you have ever seen walked out of the tall grass, right in front of us. And he went RRROOAARRR....... And you know, old boy - I think I crapped myself."

The other replies: "Well old chap. In the circumstances, confronted with such a savage beast, I think it's perfectly understandable that you may have lost control of your bowels. Think nothing of it."

To which the first replies: "No, no old boy. Not then, now when I went RRROOAARRR."
05-07-2017, 06:27 PM - 2 Likes   #524
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Colonial India, in the Army officers lounge:
Say old chap, have you not heard, it seems Col. Bingham is in a spot of trouble, called on the carpet.

My goodness, whatever for?

He was caught in the horse stable with his pants down.

Good Lord, you mean the mare??

Of course it was the mare, nothing queer about Bingham.
05-07-2017, 10:50 PM - 5 Likes   #525
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2 veterans from the Korean War ran into each other at the doctors, both scheduled for a routine check-up.
A very pretty young nurse approached them with a little extra paperwork to be filled out.
After the nurse left, Paul said to Jack, " What a beautiful young woman. Wish I was 40 years younger. How long since you've been with a woman Jack? "
" Not since nineteen fifty eight " replied Jack.
" Sorry to hear that buddy " said Paul.
" Why are you sorry, it's only twenty one fifteen by my watch now !! "

Last edited by Unregistered User 8; 05-07-2017 at 11:47 PM. Reason: typo
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