[audiobomber]

Funny Quotes from Employee Performance Evaluations

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.

When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far --- and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

[bxf]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and suddenly one wing is struck by lightning.

A woman on the plane starts to lose it. She stands up in the front of the plane screaming, "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.............one button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest. As he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman, and whispers:



..................................."Iron this."

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A new nun goes to her first confession.

She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette.

Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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Time Honored Truths
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

- Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

- To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

- The older you get, the better you realize you were.

- I doubt, therefore I might be.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

- Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

- A fool and his money are soon partying.

- Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

- If God dropped acid, would he see people?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
(That's a rhetorical question! LOL)

- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

- If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

- If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[bertwert]

Light a man a fire and he's warm for a day.
Light a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

[Liney]

"knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"To"
"To who?"






"How many times do I have to tell you, it's 'to whom'"..............

[SpecialK]

Q: What do you think of your team's execution?
Coach John McKay: I'm in favor of it. (Variously recalled as: I think it's a good idea, and, I'm all for it.)
(The Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team famously lost its first 26 games.)

[MarkJerling]

A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angel bikers walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.

They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"

The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

[Unregistered User 8]

My sister is really starting to get annoyed with all the " breastfeeding " haters out there.


She feels she has the right to feed her cat the way she wants to.

---

Last edited by Unregistered User 8; 07-07-2017 at 06:15 AM. Reason: typo

[MarkJerling]

My sister is really starting to get annoyed with all the " breastfeeding " haters out there.


She feels she has the right to feed her cat the way she wants to.

[clackers]

A man taps his taxi driver on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screeches, loses control of the vehicle, nearly hits a car, swerves up a footpath, just misses a pedestrian and stops inches from a shop window.

For a few moments there was a deathly silence. Then the driver gasps, "Are you alright? I'm terribly sorry, but you scared the s* out of me."

The man whispers, "I'm sorry for startling you. I had no idea that a tap on the shoulder would scare you like that."

"No, it was my fault. Today's my first day with the taxi. I've been driving a hearse for ten years."

[35mmfilmfan]

A young lady was taking her first steps in developing her own films. She bought the equipment and chemicals at a friendly local camera shop, asked for and was given advice, made notes where she had to, and accepted with gratitude a copy of Ilford Darkroom Practice as a gift from the proprietor.

Nervously she went home, practised loading the reel and putting it in the tank with a discarded length of film, and eventually felt confident enough to do it for herself.

She prepared the dev, stop bath and fix, checked the temperatures, then loaded her exposed film into the tank. Her eyes firmly on the stop watch, she added the developer, agitated the tank as instructed (she was shaking so much from nerves it was in a state of continuous agitation anyway, as was she).

She poured out the dev, added stop bath, agitated again, then poured out the stop bath and added the fixer. Bearing in mind that under-fixing was worse than over fixing, she doubled the time the film spent in the fixer. She emptied the tank again, then followed the washing procedure. A final rinse, and she was ready to examine the film. She carefully unwound it from the reel, held it up to the light and - disaster !

The entire film was completely black - totally over-exposed, even between the sprocket holes. Heart broken, she dried the film, then took it to the dealer, who sat her down with a coffee and gently tried to find out what had happened. He asked about the procedure she had used, nodding wisely as she outlined each step she had followed. Then a thought struck him, and he asked if she was sure she had loaded the film in total darkness.

'Oh, yes,' she replied -














'I had my eyes tight shut the entire time.'

[Unregistered User 8]

An elderly couple married 50 years start talking after another one of their regular arguments.


“ Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods? ”

“ I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”

“ And that helps? ”

“ Yes, because I use your toothbrush.”

[ChristianRock]

[clackers]

If this is a parody of useless YouTube tutorials, I saw one a couple of days ago where the guy actually advocated bringing a cardboard cut out frame in 3:2 ratio and on location you look through it for potential shots.

I guess he has a video to produce each week and it got to Sunday afternoon, he still had nothing for his employers, so ...

[ChristianRock]

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up, kiss the person next to you and are just thankful to be alive? I just did... and I don't think they'll let me fly on that airline again.

[nikono]

Every evening, they gather on the couch around Miss Sonie ...
They know that only one of them will get lucky.