[bxf]

Warning, proceed at your own risk.

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy"s finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That"s about as far as I got, too."

-----------------------------------------------

Man to woman sitting at a bar: I am a man of few words. Will you or won't you?

Woman: Your place or mine?

Man: If you're going to make such a big deal about this let's just forget the whole thing.

---------------------------------------------

Man to woman sitting at a bar: Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?
Woman: Yes
Man: Would you sleep with me for ten dollars?
Woman, indignantly: What kind of a girl do you think I am?
Man: We've already established that. Now we're just haggling over price.

---

Last edited by bxf; 08-02-2017 at 06:11 PM.

[clackers]

The plane from Sydney was coming in to land.

"As soon as I clock off," the pilot said, not realising that he'd forgotten to turn off the PA system, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and conquer that hot flight attendant."

The horrified attendant made a dash towards the cockpit, but tripped over a suitcase in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting in an aisle seat whispered, "There's no need to hurry, dear - he said he was going to have a beer first"

[MarkJerling]

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man...
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Bill!! what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the bum and kissed him good night on the lips.
Mick sat up and watched me all night!"

[timb64]

A particularly intelligent and attractive student visits the careers advisor.After various tests and interviews the advisor reaches a conclusion.

"The best careers for you are either the adult film industry or legal profession.My recommendation is the first.The money may not be as good but at least you'd still have your integrity and self respect!"

[Unregistered User 8]

The husband was sitting on the sofa flicking through the television channels, then the wife sat down and joined him.


Wife - " What's on the TV? "


Husband - " Dust."


Then the fight began.

[bigdavephoto]

If somebody goes to a race track where a Nascar stock car race is being held and stole the number 43 car,
would the police call that Petty theft?

[smf]

When the U.S.S.R. existed, Soviet spies Rudolph and Natasha were holed up in a hotel. They were disagreeing about the weather. He insisted it was raining. She insisted it was snowing.

Back and forth they went — rain, snow, rain, snow.

Finally he told her this: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
-----
Is that a chorus of groans I hear? Ah, that's so heart-warming.

Best wishes, everyone.

[Alliecat]

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. One day her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

[rechmbrs]

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. One day her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

It looks like the sum total IQ of Saskatchewan just went up a bunch with that move.

RONC

[rechmbrs]

It looks like the sum total IQ of Saskatchewan just went up a bunch with that move.

RONC

Having lived on both sides of the border a little further to the west, I tired of winter no matter where so moved to Texas. No governments involved thank the lord.
RONC

[WPRESTO]

No one wants a government, until they need one.

[Parallax]

When the U.S.S.R. existed, Soviet spies Rudolph and Natasha were holed up in a hotel. They were disagreeing about the weather. He insisted it was raining. She insisted it was snowing.

Back and forth they went — rain, snow, rain, snow.

Finally he told her this: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
-----
Is that a chorus of groans I hear? Ah, that's so heart-warming.

Best wishes, everyone.

[Parallax]

No one wants a government, until they need one.

Fortunately we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

[lesmore49]

It looks like the sum total IQ of Saskatchewan just went up a bunch with that move.

RONC

Or Manitoba. Manitoba and Saskatchewan both share the Canadian-US border with North Dakota.

[rechmbrs]

Or Manitoba. Manitoba and Saskatchewan both share the Canadian-US border with North Dakota.

My in-laws were from Saskatchewan so I wasn't thinking of geography. I wasn't sure on whether it was an addition to or subtraction from the sum total IQ.

RONC

---------- Post added 08-09-17 at 02:03 ----------

No one wants a government, until they need one.

Problem is the government tells us when we need them and we never know where they are. Ain't no joke.
RONC