[bertwert]

This was the last scene in the "Carry on Nurse" movie and it was a Daffodil. One of the funnest series "Carry on XXXXX" of movies (1950-60s) ever in my opinion . Monte Python type.

Pretty good.. my first one I watched was the last one - Carry On Up the Khyber.

[Parallax]

Sven had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Sven's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Lars took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Sven stepped out of the boat... And nearly drowned! Lars just barely managed to pull him to safety.



Furious and confused, Sven went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?"



Granny looked deeply into Sven's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because you father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, you idiot!"

[patarok]

BlackCat-photographers:

Listen how to achieve a better relationship to your customer service.

Youtu.be

Youtu.be

ROFL...

[SpecialK]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[lesmore49]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Good ones.

[bigdavephoto]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:



"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.


She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.


She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"​

[MarkJerling]

A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly.

"I'm thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts." No hands went up. "It can be gray or brown and it has a long bushy tail." The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand.

"It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it's excited?"

Finally one little boy slowly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Okay, Michael. What do you think it is?"

"Well," said the boy, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

[35mmfilmfan]

When I was a mere lad of seventeen, I fell in 'love' with an Irish girl who lived nearby. We were pretty much inseparable, but unfortunately her father was taking the entire family to Canada about three months after we met.

They duly sailed, and settled in their new home. Now her father, Liam, was a keen gardener, and wanted to continue his hobby in Canada, and to this end took seeds of many of his favourite plants with him. Over the next year, many of them flourished, and he soon had a garden to rival the one in England.

For some reason, however, there was one plant that just would not flourish - the seeds would germinate, grow to a certain extent, then perish. He did, however, manage to raise one single specimen to maturity, of which he was most proud.

It seems that others had had the same difficulty with this particular plant as well, and would come to view his success and congratulate him.

















He became famous for having the lone Hydrangea in Toronto

[Unregistered User 8]

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, " WOW !! Where did you get such a nice bike? "
The second nerd replied, " Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want. '"
The first nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[WPRESTO]

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, " WOW !! Where did you get such a nice bike? "
The second nerd replied, " Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want. '"
The first nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

When you're young, be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll eventually be working for them.

[MarkJerling]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger doctor said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[bigdavephoto]

An old farmer was in his death bed with his wife sitting besides him.He looked at his wife and said "Dear, I have a confession to make. When we first got married, on our wedding day, I told myself that if I ever slept in another woman's bed, I would put a seed corn in a jar."

He told her to go look in the top of his chest of drawers. She did as he asked and found a jar with one piece of corn in it. He finished by saying that he was sorry.

His wife looked at him and said, "Well, if we are confessing, I have one too." "I told myself that same thing you did except, I put a dollar away." He looked at her and said "and" She looked down to the floor and said, "You know that new John Deere combine that arrived here last year? I paid cash for it."



(FYI; For anybody who is not in a farming area, new John Deere combines run around $400,000 dollars.)

[Digitalis]

My swear jar could comfortably fund the purchase of a Ferrari...if I had a swear jar.

[Liney]

A very respectable and staid tailors shop on the high street has taken on a new young tailor to learn the ropes from old Jeff who is retiring soon. The young tailor does well on his first week, is good with the customers and diligent in his work, so on Friday afternoon old Jeff leaves the youngster to look after the shop and nips out for a quiet pint.
Jeff had been sitting there for an hour when his mobile rings. He answers it, and it's the young tailor looking for some advice. "I was checking the stock in the shop when the door opened and a very attractive, curvaceous mature woman walks in and tells me she wants a new made to measure suit made for her" explains the youngster,"So we went through the patterns and cloth choices and then it came to the taking her measurements".
"So whats the problem" asks Jeff, "you taken measurements before"
"Well it started off well" said the young tailor, I managed to take most of the measurements, even her, well, chest size, but she's wearing a skirt and I don't know how to take her inside leg measurement".
Jeff thought for a minute, then told the young man to go behind the counter, check the cupboard in the corner and see if the old yard stick was still there. The young man did as he asked and confirmed that the yard stick was there. However he seemed a little perplexed about what to do with it.
"Simple enough" Jeff says, "take the end of the yard stick, push it all the way up under her skirt as far as it will go, mark off the inside leg measurement, take the yard stick out again, subtract the wet from the dry and add two inches for the turn ups......"

[bxf]

Instant winner


A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads ...














WIN A BAGEL

---------- Post added 30-09-17 at 12:56 ----------

Polish??

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy takes offence from the question and says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you:
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had
asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for
a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for wine would you ask me if
I was French, Huh? Would ya??"

The clerk says "Well, no."

With deep righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why the HELL
did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage???"

The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."