[Unregistered User 8]

Man with a beard 100 years ago - " Where's my axe? That tree needs cutting down and cutting up into firewood."
Man with a beard today - " That latte we had at brunch this morning was divine."




There is no better way to be woken up in the morning than by being given a loving hug.........................................................
unless you are in prison at the time.

[bertwert]

There is no better way to be woken up in the morning than by the sound of bagpipes.

Fixed it for you.

[surfar]

Aussies will get this one.Just to qualify Aussies,they are the people who live in NSW, and thats no joke!

The joke is: Why do QLD State of Origin team have XXXX on their jerseys?
A:Because they cant spell BEER!

PS...Ive been told a long time ago that XXXX is a condom brand in USA?
In QLD(its attached to Australia unfortunately) they have a beer with that name.I suppose ya can throw both of them away!

[Unregistered User 8]

Fixed it for you.

Either way would frighten me Robert. !!

[robtcorl]

Originally posted by pjv
There is no better way to be woken up in the morning than by the smell of burning bagpipes.

Fixed it for you Bert.

[audiobomber]

A carpet layer finished his work and sat down for a smoke. He searched all his pockets but couldn't find his cigarette pack. He looked at the newly laid carpet and saw a lump in the center of the room. He thought to himself, "I'm sure as hell not re-laying this carpet just for a pack of smokes". So he took a mallet and flattened the lump. When he finished, he noticed his cigarette package in a corner of the room. Just then, the client came in. "Have you seen my hamster? I can't find him anywhere!"

[clackers]

A circus owner puts an ad out for a lion tamer. One applicant is Brett, a retired footballer in his sixties and the other is Melinda, a gorgeous blonde in her twenties.

The owner tells them. "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is a ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and gun. Who wants to try out first?"

Melinda says, "I'll go first."

She walks right past the chair, the whip and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He turns to Brett and asks, "I've never seen a display like that. Can you top it?"

The tough old footballer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

---

Last edited by clackers; 10-03-2017 at 03:04 PM.

[robtcorl]

I named my dog 6 miles so i can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

[Unregistered User 8]

I've never understood the need for pocket calculators.




Who doesn't know how many pockets they have?

[DW58]

I hope to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

[35mmfilmfan]

'Jumbo Magnifying Glass'

Who needs a Magnifying Glass to see an Elephant ?

[MarkJerling]

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.

The pastor hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..

At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"

[MarkJerling]

Oldy but a goody!

Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.

The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly."

However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East.

Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

[clackers]

I hope to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

The great Steven Wright, IIRC.

[ffking]

I've never understood the need for pocket calculators.




Who doesn't know how many pockets they have?

Have you never worn a photo vest?