[jeallen01]

I've never understood the need for pocket calculators.
Who doesn't know how many pockets they have?

I've got a parka with 11, or is it 13, pockets - can never remember which, or what I have put in some of them

[robtcorl]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did, to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you'll have great sexual
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, “Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, "I want five loaves.”

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can’t believe everybody knows about this but me!

[35mmfilmfan]

I take a very dim view of fungus or haze in a lens.

[DW58]

The great Steven Wright, IIRC.

I heard that joke years ago and something reminded me of it recently. Did not know it came from Steven Wright. Funny guy.

[robtcorl]

Why do divers do backflips out of boats?

If they went forward they'd still be in the boat.

[SpecialK]

Tools:

SKILLSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shoot'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for igniting various flammable objects in your shop - particularly handy on the grease inside the wheel hub while removing a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket you need to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also an effective fingernail remover.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open, and slice through the contents of, cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes.

S. O. B. TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'S.. of a b....' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[lesmore49]

Tools:

SKILLSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shoot'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Particularly handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub while removing a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also effective fingernail remover.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes.

S. O. B. TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'S.. of a b....' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

So true, so true. These experiences you list have happened to me and are the prime reason I decided not to be a carpenter at an early age...even though my grandfather was a carpenter for the Canadian Pacific Railway...in the years before most power tools had been invented.

[RichardS]

Tools:
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Good stuff However, I must come to the defence of the humble vice grip. If you're driving up a mountain road to get to a ski resort, you're past the bitumen, it's late evening, there's no one else around and it's before cell phones, and your engine stops because the bolt that holds the distributor in place when the timing is set has fractured, you might be able to use a vice grip to hold the distributor in place. I did You'll need a timing light, of course.

[WPRESTO]

From Reader's Digest (modified).

A woman was singing along with the Beatles on "Lucy in the sky with diamonds" When she came to: "the girl with kaleidoscope eyes" her husband interrupted.

"So that is what they were singing. All these years I though the line was: "The girl with colitis goes by."'

[35mmfilmfan]

Try this lot :

KissThisGuy.com - The Archive of Misheard Song Lyrics

[ffking]

I always used to hear Bob Marley's 'My feet is my only carriage' (No Woman, No Cry) as 'My fear is my only courage' - I thought is was a great line!

[WPRESTO]

Reminded of this line, which I heard a long time back and which may have been posted earlier on this thread.

There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

[Unregistered User 8]

I will never say that my mother was a bad cook, but, the Masai tribesmen used to request a pot of her pasta sauce be sent every six months so they could dip their arrowheads into it.

[Liney]

If I bring you breakfast in bed, the least you could do is say "thank you", not lie there demanding to know how I got into your house.....

[Unregistered User 8]

2 lawyers opened a Japanese restaurant together, they named it SOSUMI.