[MarkJerling]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a
fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald
head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note,

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden,
then stick your wooden leg up your ***** and go as a toffee apple.

[MarkJerling]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[clackers]

A little guy sat in a café one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked in and decided to have some fun.

They sat at his table, and one took his coffee, another his sandwich, and the other ate his pie.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, paid his bill and left.

One of the Hells Angels said to the cashier: "Did you see that? We took everything and he didn't say much ... he sure ain't much of a man."

The cashier looked out the window and noted: "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He's just run over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

[Unregistered User 8]

FREE PUPPIES to a good home.


Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbours dog.

[rechmbrs]

FREE PUPPIES to a good home.


Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbours dog.

Neighbour offering FREE PUPPIES to a good home.


Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbour's dog.

[Tonytee]

"If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"

TT

[robtcorl]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[DAZ]

Reminded of this line, which I heard a long time back and which may have been posted earlier on this thread.

There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

So 1+1=10?

DAZ

[WPRESTO]

So 1+1=10?

DAZ

Precisely. You can add in binary. And 10 + 10 = 100

[clackers]

An elderly man called Reginald had serious hearing problems for several years. He went to a doctor who fitted him for a set of aids that allowed Reg to hear 100 percent. After a month, he went back to the doctor for a check and was told, "It's perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

Reginald replied, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[disconnekt]

What fruit is Romeo & Juliet allergic too? Cantaloupe

[jeallen01]

What fruit is Romeo & Juliet allergic too? Cantaloupe

Que?? Ignorance I know, so do please do explain.

[disconnekt]

Que?? Ignorance I know, so do please do explain.

It's because in the story of Romeo & Juliet (Shakespeare) couldn't get married due to the two families where feuding at the time

[jeallen01]

It's because in the story of Romeo & Juliet (Shakespeare) couldn't get married due to the two families where feuding at the time

That bit I understand - but not being a Shakespeare "expert" I still don't understand the reference to "cantaloupe "

[disconnekt]

It because they cant elope (just run off & get married)