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11-10-2017, 11:42 PM   #721
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Groan....that's bad...

11-12-2017, 04:39 PM - 7 Likes   #722
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I crossed a cantaloupe with a sheep dog.

Now I feel melancholy.
11-13-2017, 09:40 AM - 1 Like   #723
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Another groaner!...Made me laugh though.
11-15-2017, 09:52 PM - 4 Likes   #724
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Hopefully new to some...

Q1.. In which battle did Gen. Custer die?
*His last battle (OK, Napoleon actually died in exile, so I substituted Custer).

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
*Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
*Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*Sleep at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You can't. Elephants don't have hands.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands


Last edited by SpecialK; 11-19-2017 at 08:52 PM.
11-15-2017, 10:14 PM   #725
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What's that on the road, a head?
11-15-2017, 11:31 PM - 6 Likes   #726
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A bucket of worms.

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars:

The first worm was put into a container of whiskey.


The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in whiskey . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


An old guy was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said . . .


"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't get worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

---------- Post added 11-15-17 at 11:39 PM ----------

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,

but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:




Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad

because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.

Love, Papa




A few days later he received a letter from his son.




Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie




At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.




Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

---------- Post added 11-16-17 at 12:27 AM ----------

QuoteOriginally posted by AggieDad Quote
Com'on Rupert. That's not a joke. It happens at least once every deer season.

But speaking of Aggie jokes (and in this part of Texas, who doesn't), here's one about a student taking a test.
Seems this Aggie was taking a true/false test (probably poli-sci) and was using a quarter to help with the answers. The professor looked on amused as the Ag would flip the coin, mark an answer; flip the coin, mark an answer; and so on. Finally he finished the test and put his head down and took a bit of a rest.

After about 5 minutes, he woke up, picked up his quarter and went back to page one of the test. He again started flipping the coin. Sometimes he would change an answer, and sometimes he would let it stand.

The professor could't figure out what he was doing, so finally, when his curiosity got the better of him, he went back and asked his student what the heck was going on. "Well Professor," said the Ag, "I'm checking my work."


I am sorry to say that in the less politically correct times of the 1950s when I grew up in Philadelphia, these were called Polak jokes. But they definitely are (and always have been) Aggie jokes as any Texan can tell you.

I will bet that you did not know that Texas is the reason that the United States was unable to go over to the Metric System. The reason being that in Texas, everything is measured by a "Crapload". Say, Bubba, you must have there, meeebeee, three or four craploads of firewood, there. True story. Just ask any Texan after he has had four or five Lonestars, in a chilled mug, of course.



Tonytee

Last edited by Unregistered User 8; 11-17-2017 at 03:36 PM. Reason: Removed swearing.
11-16-2017, 06:13 AM - 8 Likes   #727
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A woman filed a lawsuit against a surgeon claiming that after her husband's surgery he lost all interest in sex.
The doctor testified that the surgery was to remove cataracts to improve the man's eyesight.
The judge looked at the wife and dismissed the case.

11-17-2017, 03:25 PM - 6 Likes   #728
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Having a dyslexic father can be quite scary when you are little.


My brother, sister and I were always frightened at Christmas.


All the presents under the tree for us were from Satan.
11-17-2017, 08:46 PM - 5 Likes   #729
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Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
11-18-2017, 10:44 AM - 4 Likes   #730
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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


I have outlived my feet and my teeth, I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation - hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Last edited by SpecialK; 11-18-2017 at 03:18 PM.
11-18-2017, 12:14 PM   #731
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
Ouch !
11-21-2017, 07:37 AM   #732
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Just been sent this. I post it without comment .. .. ..

Girlfriend Tells Him: ?Get Rid of The Dog Or Kiss Me Goodbye? ? His Response Has The Internet Applauding | smartdogsclubs

Last edited by 35mmfilmfan; 11-21-2017 at 07:37 AM. Reason: Speling eror
11-21-2017, 11:37 AM - 2 Likes   #733
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Guess there's no use asking if she does windows.
11-21-2017, 02:52 PM   #734
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Good man.
11-21-2017, 05:50 PM - 6 Likes   #735
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A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up there and shake the branch to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls and bite their balls, immobilizing the animal so I can put him in the truck."

The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what about the shotgun?"

"Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.
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