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11-29-2017, 10:09 AM - 5 Likes   #736
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I'm sure some of you have seen this one before but I hadn't (it got to me via a post on a UK satellite forum after he got it from a relative in Israel with strong US connections )
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The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels turned up the following week

The Mennonite Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

11-29-2017, 10:23 AM - 6 Likes   #737
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The south Texan finally gets out on the ice to try out his super expensive ice fishing equipment. As he starts to auger the ice he hears a voice "there are no fish under the ice". He looks around. Seeing no-one he starts drilling again when he hears "I SAID THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE".
The Texan drops his auger, looking around and seeing no one asks, "oh yeah, says who?"

"THE RINK MANAGER"
12-01-2017, 02:38 AM - 1 Like   #738
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The following is a joke, so please refrain from making any PC-type comments. And anyway, I'm half allowed...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were discussing the subject of how they divide the money they collect between their own needs and those of God.

The priest says "well, I draw a line on the floor, then I toss all the money up in the air. What falls on one side of the line is mine, and what falls on the other side is for the Lord.

The minister says "I do something similar. I draw a large circle on the floor then I toss all the money up in the air. What falls within the circle is for me, and the rest is for the Lord.

The rabbi says "yes, I do something similar too. I toss all the money up in the air and I say "here God, take what you want". What he takes is his, and the rest is for me".
12-01-2017, 04:08 AM - 1 Like   #739
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Seeing as it's getting to that time of year:

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa..........

12-05-2017, 10:24 PM - 3 Likes   #740
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Robert was visiting Fred, his elderly father at the retirement village.
They sat, having a cup of coffee with the old chaps care worker.
Suddenly Fred leaned sideways, coming close to falling off the chair.
" Sit up Fred or we'll be picking you up off the floor " exclaimed the worried attendant.
A few minutes later, Fred lurched again.
" Fred, you must try to stop doing that " The attendant said. She left the 2 men alone to go and seek advice from the head nurse.
" Everything OK dad? "
" Oh yes, all is good. The food, the people and my accommodation are great. They just won't let me fart."
12-11-2017, 08:42 AM - 6 Likes   #741
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There are people who teach, and there are people who can give you an education.

In a California private high school, there was an issue with the girl's bathroom. There was a very large mirror in it, and it was constantly full of lipstick marks form girls who put on lipstick on, and then kissed the mirror to get rid of the excess. It had become a thing.

The poor Janitor had to spend an hour scrubbing it off every night - as you probably know, once that stuff dries up, it's very hard to clean. So he complained to the principal and the principal scheduled a day in the school gym where all girls were brought in, and a teacher explained for an hour why it was a bad idea to get rid of excess lipstick on the mirror, and especially how much work the janitor was having. She even brought a mirror with dried up lipstick on, to show how hard it was to clean.

The next few days, nothing changed. The girls were still doing the same thing, after all, they have to look fabulous don't they? The janitor once again complained to the principal that the talk had done nothing to improve the situation.

The principal decided that the girls were taught, but that what they needed was to get an education.

So he scheduled another session. This time, he cramped a lot of the girls into that bathroom, which thankfully was very large inside. He then took only a couple of minutes to emphasize how unfair it was for the janitor to go through all that work every evening. To drive his point through, he asked the janitor to demonstrate how hard it was to clean the big mirror.

So the janitor took his mop, got it wet in the toilet and proceeded to clean the mirror in front of the girls.

Never ever again was there a lipstick mark on that mirror.
12-11-2017, 11:22 AM - 3 Likes   #742
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A police officer was patrolling an industrial area that had a pond in the middle of it. Everybody knew that the pond was polluted. When the officer passed the pond, he noticed three ducks swimming in the pond. He stopped his can and got out. walking to the edge of the pond, he yelled; "Hey you ducks, that water is polluted! You need to get out of it! If you are still here when I come back around, I will arrest you."

The officer drove off and came back around about 30 minutes later. Seeing that the ducks were still in the water, he arrested them.

The police officer took the three ducks to the court house and put them before a judge.

The judge called the first duck up and asked him his name. "I'm Daffy Duck." said the duck.

"What where you doing in that pond? asked the judge. "I was blowing bubbles." said the duck.

"50 dollar fine and I don't want to see you in my court again."

The judge called the second duck up. "What is your name?" The duck replied, "I'm Donald Duck."

"What were you doing in that pond?" "I was blowing bubbles." said the second duck.

"50 dollar fine and I don't want to see you in my court room again."

The judge called the third duck up and asked the same question. "What is your name?"

The duck replied back to the judge with a shy look on it's face, "I'm Bubbles."

12-15-2017, 07:20 PM - 4 Likes   #743
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An 83 year old ex-member of " the oldest profession " had fallen on hard times, and decided to go back on the game to make ends meet.

To her surprise, the lamppost she advertised her wears from all those years ago was not being used, so she took up her usual position.

It wasn't long before her 1st potential client strolled past, and she was quick to remember her pick-up line.

" Would you like me to sell you the best night of passion you have ever had? "

Slightly bemused and embarrassed by the proposition from such an elderly lady of the night, to spare her feelings he said, " Sorry, but I've only got $4."

" That's OK sweetie, I've got the change."
12-15-2017, 08:27 PM - 4 Likes   #744
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While we're on the subject, a young couple decided that in order to make some extra cash to pay the mortgage the wife would offer her services as a street walker. On her first night she hung around a likely location, while her husband sat round the corner in their car. After a hour or so a bloke walks up to the wife and asks her "how much for sex". "Hang on" she says, and nips round to the car to ask her husband.

Hubbie thinks for a second and says "tell him it's $100". Wifie goes back to the bloke and gives him the price, but the bloke says "I don't have that much, how much for hand relief?" Again Wifie goes to ask Hubbie how much.

Hubbie by this time has had the chance to work on a price list, so he says to Wifie "$40", and Wifie goes back to tell the bloke.

The bloke decides he can afford this, so he and Wifie stepped into a quiet corner and he unzipped himself. Wifie takes one look at what he has to offer, and says "Hang on, I'll be back in a second"

Hubbie is a little surprised when Wifie taps on the car window as she hadn't been gone for long, so he rolls down the window and asks "what now?"

Wifie replied "Can i borrow $60....?"
12-16-2017, 04:43 AM - 6 Likes   #745
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In a similar vein a story told about ex-prime minister Tony Blair.

He was fond of taking a late night stroll around the vicinity of Downing Street and often passed a lady of the night.As he passed she would call out to him "£5 for hand relief?"
With his cheesy grin he would reply "50p and you're on"
This became a regular occurence until one evening when the lovely Mrs Blair offered to join Tony for his constitutional.
As they passed the usual lamppost with its attendant Blair put his head down and hurried past only to hear called after him

"Look what you get for 50p luvvie!"
12-31-2017, 05:06 PM - 8 Likes   #746
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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Priest, a Rabbi and a Nun walk in into a pub.

The barman looks at them and says 'Is this some kind of joke ?'
01-02-2018, 01:37 PM - 13 Likes   #747
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01-05-2018, 05:29 AM - 7 Likes   #748
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I am getting proper fed up with the enormous German Shepherd defecating in my front garden every day.


And even worse, this morning his dog joined in.











01-05-2018, 05:14 PM - 11 Likes   #749
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Amanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him , “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT- DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking Rhodesian Ridgeback he had ever seen. But, just as she'd said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

Her old parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
01-05-2018, 05:56 PM - 17 Likes   #750
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A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons:

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my bits unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his bits in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer:

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman said:

"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
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