The Joke Thread

**twilhelm** · 05-24-2018, 06:15 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by robtcorl

Rodney Dangerfield quotes
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said “On your mark …..”
My wife made me join her bridge club … I jump next Tuesday.
I met the surgeon general … He offered me a cigarette.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn’t see the mouse trap.

When I read these, I could hear Rodney Dangerfield...

bigdavephoto · 05-26-2018, 07:41 PM - **6 Likes**

A thief breaks into a home one night. No body was home so he thought it would be an easy night.

While he is walking through the house picking up things he is going to take, he hears a voice call out, "Jesus is watching you."

The thief looks around startled. Finally he sees a parrot sitting on a perch. The bird calls out again, "Jesus is watching you."

The thief says to the bird as he calmed down, "You must be Jesus?"

The parrot answered him back, " No. I am Moses. Jesus is the pit bull that is behind you."

robtcorl · 05-27-2018, 06:58 PM - **7 Likes**

**clackers** · 05-27-2018, 09:57 PM - **10 Likes**

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. 'I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.'

'When did you use this awful language?' asks the Mother Superior.

'Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to ground after only 100 yards.'

'Is that when you swore?'

'No, Mother,' says the nun. 'After that a possum ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and ran away.'

'Is that when you swore?' asks the Mother Superior again.

'No, not yet. As an eagle carried the possum away in its claws, it flew near the green and the possum dropped my ball.'

'Did you swear then?' asks Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

'No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.'

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighs and says, 'You missed the effing putt, didn't you?'

Last edited by clackers; 05-28-2018 at 03:08 AM.

**rechmbrs** · 05-27-2018, 11:35 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by clackers

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. 'I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.'

'When did you use this awful language?' asks the Mother Superior.

'Well, I was golfing an hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to ground after only 100 yards.'

'Is that when you swore?'

'No, Mother,' says the nun. 'After that a possum ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and ran away.'

'Is that when you swore?' asks the Mother Superior again.

'No, not yet. As an eagle carried the possum away in its claws, it flew near the green and the possum dropped my ball.'

'Did you swear then?' asks Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

'No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.'

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighs and says, 'You missed the effing putt, didn't you?'

Wait til Mother Superior gets you. It'll be none none none ...

RONC

bxf · 05-29-2018, 03:57 AM

Originally posted by robtcorl

Truck carrying Ramen Noodles crashes, estimated loss to company, $38.00

Must have been a pretty crappy truck

**WPRESTO** · 05-29-2018, 06:28 AM - **7 Likes**

Originally posted by bxf

Must have been a pretty crappy truck

FOLLOWUP REPORT: Both truck driver and cargo are now in hot water.

Unregistered User 8 · 05-31-2018, 05:11 AM - **1 Like**

I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I'm not going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

MarkJerling · 05-31-2018, 03:57 PM - **11 Likes**

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours.."
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

robtcorl · 06-02-2018, 11:32 AM - **6 Likes**

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would you take her golfing and let her use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

Alternate ending.

Wife: Would you let her use my Nikon?

Husband: Heck no, she only shoots Pentax.

MarkJerling · 06-07-2018, 04:21 PM - **4 Likes**

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.

The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.

Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nuthin' about cars."

victormeldrew · 06-10-2018, 03:59 PM - **4 Likes**

I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm sorry if this Milton Jones classic is a repost...

"My career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur..."

**clackers** · 06-11-2018, 09:31 PM - **5 Likes**

I pulled into a garage in Scotland and asked: "Are you a mechanic?"

He said: "No, I'm a McTavish!"

Unregistered User 8 · 06-17-2018, 04:05 PM - **3 Likes**

I don't know why people think hummingbirds are so special.

They are just ordinary birds that have forgotten the words.

bertwert · 06-17-2018, 04:17 PM - **2 Likes**

A list of forts:
A Fort
B Fort
C Fort
D Fort
E Fort
G Fort
H Fort
I Fort
J Fort
K Fort
L Fort
M Fort
N Fort
O Fort
P Fort
Q Fort
R Fort
S Fort
T Fort
U Fort
V Fort
W Fort
X Fort
Y Fort
Z Fort

I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.

05-27-2018, 11:35 PM - 1 Like	#845
rechmbrs Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Conroe, TX USA Posts: 423	Originally posted by clackers A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. 'I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.' 'When did you use this awful language?' asks the Mother Superior. 'Well, I was golfing an hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to ground after only 100 yards.' 'Is that when you swore?' 'No, Mother,' says the nun. 'After that a possum ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and ran away.' 'Is that when you swore?' asks the Mother Superior again. 'No, not yet. As an eagle carried the possum away in its claws, it flew near the green and the possum dropped my ball.' 'Did you swear then?' asks Mother Superior, becoming impatient. 'No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.' The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighs and says, 'You missed the effing putt, didn't you?' Wait til Mother Superior gets you. It'll be none none none ... RONC Last edited by rechmbrs; 05-29-2018 at 06:03 AM.

06-02-2018, 11:32 AM - 6 Likes	#850
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would you take her golfing and let her use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. Alternate ending. Wife: Would you let her use my Nikon? Husband: Heck no, she only shoots Pentax. Last edited by robtcorl; 06-03-2018 at 09:38 AM.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Where is the annual Pentax FF April fool joke?	LFLee	Pentax Full Frame	27	04-04-2014 03:48 AM
Misc Batman : The Killing Joke	6BQ5	Post Your Photos!	7	02-24-2014 01:58 PM
Joke Thread!	Gooshin	General Talk	327	10-23-2012 08:59 PM
Political Joke Thread	Parallax	General Talk	42	04-20-2012 06:42 AM

05-24-2018, 06:15 PM - 1 Like	#841
twilhelm Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Florida Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 2,369	Originally posted by robtcorl Rodney Dangerfield quotes I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said “On your mark …..” My wife made me join her bridge club … I jump next Tuesday. I met the surgeon general … He offered me a cigarette. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn’t see the mouse trap. When I read these, I could hear Rodney Dangerfield...

05-26-2018, 07:41 PM - 6 Likes	#842
bigdavephoto Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: East central Indiana Photos: Gallery Posts: 893	A thief breaks into a home one night. No body was home so he thought it would be an easy night. While he is walking through the house picking up things he is going to take, he hears a voice call out, "Jesus is watching you." The thief looks around startled. Finally he sees a parrot sitting on a perch. The bird calls out again, "Jesus is watching you." The thief says to the bird as he calmed down, "You must be Jesus?" The parrot answered him back, " No. I am Moses. Jesus is the pit bull that is behind you."

05-27-2018, 06:58 PM - 7 Likes	#843
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606

05-27-2018, 09:57 PM - 10 Likes	#844
clackers Otis Memorial Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Melbourne Photos: Albums Posts: 16,397	A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. 'I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.' 'When did you use this awful language?' asks the Mother Superior. 'Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to ground after only 100 yards.' 'Is that when you swore?' 'No, Mother,' says the nun. 'After that a possum ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and ran away.' 'Is that when you swore?' asks the Mother Superior again. 'No, not yet. As an eagle carried the possum away in its claws, it flew near the green and the possum dropped my ball.' 'Did you swear then?' asks Mother Superior, becoming impatient. 'No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.' The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighs and says, 'You missed the effing putt, didn't you?' Last edited by clackers; 05-28-2018 at 03:08 AM.

05-29-2018, 03:57 AM	#846
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Originally posted by robtcorl Truck carrying Ramen Noodles crashes, estimated loss to company, $38.00 Must have been a pretty crappy truck

05-29-2018, 06:28 AM - 7 Likes	#847
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,106	Originally posted by bxf Must have been a pretty crappy truck FOLLOWUP REPORT: Both truck driver and cargo are now in hot water.

05-31-2018, 05:11 AM - 1 Like	#848
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	I quit my job at the helium factory today. I'm not going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

05-31-2018, 03:57 PM - 11 Likes	#849
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours.." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

06-07-2018, 04:21 PM - 4 Likes	#851
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine. Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost." "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nuthin' about cars."

06-10-2018, 03:59 PM - 4 Likes	#852
victormeldrew Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: South West UK Photos: Albums Posts: 1,493	I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm sorry if this Milton Jones classic is a repost... "My career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur..."

06-11-2018, 09:31 PM - 5 Likes	#853
clackers Otis Memorial Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Melbourne Photos: Albums Posts: 16,397	I pulled into a garage in Scotland and asked: "Are you a mechanic?" He said: "No, I'm a McTavish!"

06-17-2018, 04:05 PM - 3 Likes	#854
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	I don't know why people think hummingbirds are so special. They are just ordinary birds that have forgotten the words.

06-17-2018, 04:17 PM - 2 Likes	#855
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,173 Original Poster	A list of forts: A Fort B Fort C Fort D Fort E Fort G Fort H Fort I Fort J Fort K Fort L Fort M Fort N Fort O Fort P Fort Q Fort R Fort S Fort T Fort U Fort V Fort W Fort X Fort Y Fort Z Fort I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.