The Joke Thread

**southlander** · 06-22-2018, 06:24 AM

Originally posted by timb64

For buttercup,read buttock up

Right. Slow on the uptake and needed your help.

LensBeginner · 06-22-2018, 06:29 AM - **2 Likes**

Did you hear about that mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them...

bxf · 06-22-2018, 06:53 AM

Originally posted by bxf

I don't get it, and I strongly suspect it has something to do with the fact the the English often treat the letter "R" as if it were silent (or at best had the sound of something vaguely like "AW")

Originally posted by timb64

For buttercup,read buttock up

Looks like I was right.

serothis · 06-22-2018, 07:14 AM - **2 Likes**

Why did the clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?

A: Because he was a little horse.

bxf · 06-22-2018, 11:43 AM - **1 Like**

I don't remember if I'd already posted this one...

Two mathematicians are sitting at a cafe, near a window. They see a person going into the house across the street. A few moments later, two people come out of the same house.

One of the mathematicians turns to the other and says: "now if another person enters the house, it will be empty again".

**jpzk** · 06-22-2018, 12:28 PM - **1 Like**

This guy encounters a genie who grants him three wishes (as usual, hey?) ...

(to make a long story short) -
I want a bottle of beer that will never run empty! Says the guy.
(a beer appears and the guy downs it - he looks at it and, while walking away, to his surprise, it is still full)
Genie asks where the guy is going 'cause he still has two more wishes.
Guys says: Well in that case get me two more of these!

victormeldrew · 06-22-2018, 01:23 PM - **5 Likes**

Originally posted by bxf

I don't remember if I'd already posted this one...

Reminds me of an old engineer's joke.

Some people say the glass is half full. Others say it is half empty. But according to an engineer it is just twice as big as it needs to be.

LensBeginner · 06-22-2018, 02:10 PM - **3 Likes**

After years of hard work in Dublin Mr O'Reilly decides to go to London to have some fun.
He enters a pub, where a big man is challenging the patrons: "Let's see who can drink 10 pints in 10 minutes!"
O'Reilly says that he thinks he can... but he's not very sure, so he excuses himself, saying he has to get out to get ready.

After a while he gets back in, and says: "ok, let's do it!" and downs 10 pints in 8 minutes.
The other customers can't believe their eyes, and ask him what he did to get ready, when he went outside.
"Oh, it's nothing... I went to the pub on the other side of the road to see if I was able to do it!"

LensBeginner · 06-22-2018, 02:14 PM

(kinda NSFW)

A customer goes to an electronic retailer and asks:
"I'd like to buy a reflex for a girl I know"
"Which brand?"
"I'd like a Nikon please"
"With what objective"
"To sc**w her"

audiobomber · 06-23-2018, 06:10 AM - **2 Likes**

A farmer and his wife were watching their herd of cattle.

Farmer's wife: Why can't you be more like that bull? He makes love 365 days a year.

Farmer: With the same cow?

**WPRESTO** · 06-23-2018, 06:23 AM

Originally posted by audiobomber

A farmer and his wife were watching their herd of cattle.

Farmer's wife: Why can't you be more like that bull? He makes love 365 days a year.

Farmer: With the same cow?

A joke that's akin:

Young bull to oldster: "Let's run down to the meadow and make love to one of the cows."

Old bull to the youngster: "No. Let's walk over to the meadow and make love to all of the cows."

robtcorl · 06-23-2018, 10:04 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by audiobomber

With the same cow?

Several years ago Playboy published special issues just for married men.
They had the same centerfold every month.

**WPRESTO** · 06-23-2018, 03:02 PM - **1 Like**

What is the difference between a girlfriend, a prostitute, and your wife?

A girlfriend: "Are you done already?"
A prostitute: "Aren't you done yet?"
Your wife: "The ceiling needs painting."

disconnekt · 06-23-2018, 09:39 PM - **2 Likes**

What do you call a Strawberry that's sad? A Blueberry.

**DW58** · 06-23-2018, 10:06 PM

Heard this one in the movie "American Werewolf In London." One version of an oft told joke.

An American, a Frenchman, a Brit, and a Mexican are in a plane flying over the Atlantic ocean. Engine sputters and they begin to lose altitude. They throw everything that's not bolted down out the cargo door. But they are still losing altitude. The Frenchman steps up to the door and yells " Viva La France" and jumps out the door. It does no good. Not to be out done the Englishman steps up and yells "God save the queen" and jumps out. The plane continues to lose altitude. The American steps up next. He yells out "Remember the Alamo" and throws out the Mexican.

My apologies to the politically correct crowd.

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06-22-2018, 06:24 AM	#871
southlander Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Adelaide Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,364	Originally posted by timb64 For buttercup,read buttock up Right. Slow on the uptake and needed your help.

06-22-2018, 06:29 AM - 2 Likes	#872
LensBeginner Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Photos: Albums Posts: 4,696	Did you hear about that mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them...

06-22-2018, 06:53 AM	#873
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Originally posted by bxf I don't get it, and I strongly suspect it has something to do with the fact the the English often treat the letter "R" as if it were silent (or at best had the sound of something vaguely like "AW") Originally posted by timb64 For buttercup,read buttock up Looks like I was right.

06-22-2018, 07:14 AM - 2 Likes	#874
serothis Veteran Member Join Date: May 2016 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 538	Why did the clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? A: Because he was a little horse.

06-22-2018, 11:43 AM - 1 Like	#875
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	I don't remember if I'd already posted this one... Two mathematicians are sitting at a cafe, near a window. They see a person going into the house across the street. A few moments later, two people come out of the same house. One of the mathematicians turns to the other and says: "now if another person enters the house, it will be empty again".

06-22-2018, 12:28 PM - 1 Like	#876
jpzk Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Québec Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 8,251	This guy encounters a genie who grants him three wishes (as usual, hey?) ... (to make a long story short) - I want a bottle of beer that will never run empty! Says the guy. (a beer appears and the guy downs it - he looks at it and, while walking away, to his surprise, it is still full) Genie asks where the guy is going 'cause he still has two more wishes. Guys says: Well in that case get me two more of these!

06-22-2018, 01:23 PM - 5 Likes	#877
victormeldrew Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: South West UK Photos: Albums Posts: 1,493	Originally posted by bxf I don't remember if I'd already posted this one... Reminds me of an old engineer's joke. Some people say the glass is half full. Others say it is half empty. But according to an engineer it is just twice as big as it needs to be.

06-22-2018, 02:10 PM - 3 Likes	#878
LensBeginner Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Photos: Albums Posts: 4,696	After years of hard work in Dublin Mr O'Reilly decides to go to London to have some fun. He enters a pub, where a big man is challenging the patrons: "Let's see who can drink 10 pints in 10 minutes!" O'Reilly says that he thinks he can... but he's not very sure, so he excuses himself, saying he has to get out to get ready. After a while he gets back in, and says: "ok, let's do it!" and downs 10 pints in 8 minutes. The other customers can't believe their eyes, and ask him what he did to get ready, when he went outside. "Oh, it's nothing... I went to the pub on the other side of the road to see if I was able to do it!"

06-22-2018, 02:14 PM	#879
LensBeginner Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Photos: Albums Posts: 4,696	(kinda NSFW) A customer goes to an electronic retailer and asks: "I'd like to buy a reflex for a girl I know" "Which brand?" "I'd like a Nikon please" "With what objective" "To sc**w her"

06-23-2018, 06:10 AM - 2 Likes	#880
audiobomber Veteran Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Sudbury, Ontario Photos: Albums Posts: 6,806	A farmer and his wife were watching their herd of cattle. Farmer's wife: Why can't you be more like that bull? He makes love 365 days a year. Farmer: With the same cow?

06-23-2018, 06:23 AM	#881
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,107	Originally posted by audiobomber A farmer and his wife were watching their herd of cattle. Farmer's wife: Why can't you be more like that bull? He makes love 365 days a year. Farmer: With the same cow? A joke that's akin: Young bull to oldster: "Let's run down to the meadow and make love to one of the cows." Old bull to the youngster: "No. Let's walk over to the meadow and make love to all of the cows."

06-23-2018, 10:04 AM - 1 Like	#882
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	Originally posted by audiobomber With the same cow? Several years ago Playboy published special issues just for married men. They had the same centerfold every month.

06-23-2018, 03:02 PM - 1 Like	#883
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,107	What is the difference between a girlfriend, a prostitute, and your wife? A girlfriend: "Are you done already?" A prostitute: "Aren't you done yet?" Your wife: "The ceiling needs painting."

06-23-2018, 09:39 PM - 2 Likes	#884
disconnekt Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: SoCal/I.E. Photos: Albums Posts: 1,699	What do you call a Strawberry that's sad? A Blueberry.

06-23-2018, 10:06 PM	#885
DW58 Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Dec 2015 Location: Rural Oregon Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 7,064	Heard this one in the movie "American Werewolf In London." One version of an oft told joke. An American, a Frenchman, a Brit, and a Mexican are in a plane flying over the Atlantic ocean. Engine sputters and they begin to lose altitude. They throw everything that's not bolted down out the cargo door. But they are still losing altitude. The Frenchman steps up to the door and yells " Viva La France" and jumps out the door. It does no good. Not to be out done the Englishman steps up and yells "God save the queen" and jumps out. The plane continues to lose altitude. The American steps up next. He yells out "Remember the Alamo" and throws out the Mexican. My apologies to the politically correct crowd.