[robtcorl]

[timb64]

They also look at me with some disbelief when I tell them the wife and her mother are still on an extended holiday on the coast!

[serothis]

My inner-prankster is getting ideas...

[WPRESTO]

A different approach than one taken during an extended NYC sanitation workers' strike. Guy put his garbage in plastic bags, packed several bags tightly in a large box, did it up with gift wrap and put it on the back seat of his unlocked car which was parked out on the street. They came and collected it every night.

[Liney]

Old Frank has a son who is currently in prison serving a sentence in relation to a diamond theft. While his son was convicted of a number of crimes associated with the theft, the diamonds themselves were never recovered.

Frank is writing to his son, and tells him in the letter that as spring is coming along, Frank reckons he'll dig over the patch at the bottom of the garden and put in some vegetables. Franks son reads this and sends his dad back a letter. In the letter he says that planting the vegetables is a good idea, but urges his dad not to plant potatoes in the area of ground from the back fence to around 10 feet from the fence.

A couple of days later Frank writes back to his son, thanking his son for the letter and explaining that the day after the letter was written a squad of burly policemen arrived at the house and started digging over the area of ground his son had told him not to plant potatoes in. The policemen appeared to leave empty handed, but could his son please tell him what he should do now.

Franks son wrote back and said "now you can plant the potatoes...."

[WPRESTO]

From a New Yorker cartoon.

As the baker's wife said to her husband during prison visiting hours "The proof was in the pudding."

[Ian Stuart Forsyth]

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
outlaws are wanted

[Unregistered User 8]

My wife discovered I was cheating on her, having found a pile of letters that I’d hidden.



She said she’s never playing scrabble with me again.

[robtcorl]

A buddy asked me when did I start wearing an earring.
I said ever since my wife found it in my truck.

[torashi]

Two photographers are travelling and pass by a beggar on the street. One of the photographers asks the other one:

"What did you give him?"

The other photographer replies:

"250th of a second at f/5.6."

[torashi]

A photographer took a self-portrait in a park.
Due to lighting conditions, a beautiful sunset behind his back, he used the built in flash on the camera.
He quickly got arrested for flashing and exposing himself in the park.

[serothis]

A guy goes to a camp ground and claims "I don't see any RV's here".

A bystander replies, "yeah, camping here is a tents situation".

[WPRESTO]

Old one liner:

What is Mozart doing these days? - - - He's decomposing.

[clackers]

A politician was been driven home when he noticed two men on all fours at the side of the road. He ordered his chauffeur to stop, then got out, asking why they were eating the grass.

"Because we can't afford food," they replied in unison.

"Well, come with me and I'll feed you."

Once on their way, one of the men thanked the politician for offering lunch.

"No problem," he said, "You'll love it … I live on an acre block and the grass is nearly a yard high."

[Craigbob]

I tend to favor dark humor.

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?

---------- Post added 07-13-18 at 09:22 AM ----------

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found adrenalin fueled super human strength to drag our very heavy antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him for being candid and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"Here I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the edge of the building figuring I was done for. But I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment when some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says to the fellow,"I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two clowns that arrived here just before you."
"Oh,I don't know about that!" replies the man. "Now try to picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."