[Mercifulfate]

xkcd: Car Problems

Oh man I love this one.

---------- Post added 07-30-18 at 02:29 PM ----------

I used to tell my children this dirty joke ...

Dad: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Children: NO!!
Dad: The white horse fell in the mud.
Children: Go AWAY DAD!!

[sergeremy]

Three old friends hanging out on a bench. First one says "guys, I don't know about you, but when I fart, it's loud, but it doesn't smell". Second one goes "that's funny, I"m just the opposite - can't hear it, but boy does it smell bad". The third guy says "hey, I must be special - no noise, no smell!" The other two, surprised, look at him and go "well, what's the point, then?".

[sergeremy]

Dad: Wanna hear a dirty joke?Children: NO!!Dad: The white horse fell in the mud.Children: Go AWAY DAD!!

Boy did my children groan at this one (may have been posted all ready, I haven't gone through the 63 pages):

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock!
Knock Who?
Knock Knock!

[victormeldrew]

Three old friends hanging out on a bench. First one says "guys, I don't know about you, but when I fart, it's loud, but it doesn't smell". Second one goes "that's funny, I"m just the opposite - can't hear it, but boy does it smell bad". The third guy says "hey, I must be special - no noise, no smell!" The other two, surprised, look at him and go "well, what's the point, then?".

Another fart joke:

A man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, my farts sound strange"
"Can you demonstrate?" says the doc.
The man farts and it makes a sound like..."honda"
Doc says "ah...you have an abscess"
"How do you know that?" asks the man.
"Because an abscess makes the fart go honda"

[sergeremy]

"Because an abscess makes the fart go honda"

I'm completely lost there...

[bigdavephoto]

I'm completely lost there...

"Because an abscess makes the fart go honda"

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[sergeremy]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Right ho!

[Liney]

Another fart joke

Old bloke goes to the doctors for a check up and was telling him that he's suddenly getting really sneaky in letting rip. Last Sunday he'd been in church and found that he needed to expel a little gas, so he raised himself on one cheek and gentle relieved the pressure. No-one seemed to notice so he did it again. By the end of the service he felt so much better and no-one had heard a thing.

The doctor looked him in the eye and said "I was about four rows behind you, what you need is a new battery for your hearing aid"

[bxf]

Some of the above reminded me of these:

A few slightly inebriated guys find themselves on a pier, and felt that it is time to give back to nature some of the liquids consumed over the last few hours. Two of them unzip and start urinating into the water below. One of them, in an attempt to make a point of the length of his manhood, proudly proclaims "oooh, the water is cold", to which the other adds "and deep!"

- - - - - - - -


A couple visit an elderly aunt at an old persons home. They ask how she is doing, and is everything fine?

Yes, everything is great, except they won't let you fart in this place!

Huh? What do you mean?

Well, when I sit by the window, and I raise one cheek to let one go, one of the nurses jumps and straightens me out in my chair.

[twilhelm]

Here's one I use to tell my children all the time when they were young. They thought it was funny for a few years anyhow.

Two blueberry muffins were in the oven.

One turned to the other and said "whew, it's getting hot in here."

The second one paused, then screamed, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

(The emphasis was when I yelled the last line)

[Ian Stuart Forsyth]

The world’s best bear trap
You start by digging a hole in the ground
You then go about filling that hole with ash
And finally you place a row of peas around the rim of that hole.
This way with the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ash

[LensBeginner]

This last one about the wilderness reminds me of the Siberian Toilet...

A big exhibitions of toilets is held in a museum, with precious archaeological finds from all over the world.
One of the visitors is particularly interested in a pair of sticks (one long, one short) and a small shovel.
So, he asks the curator about it, and the curator explains:
_It's a Siberian toilet! You dig a hole in the ground with the shovel and squat using the short stick as support.
_And what's the long stick for?
_To keep the wolves at bay!

[MarkJerling]

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Year’s
Eve gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely
loving the music. Shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the
duo and says, “You guys sound great. Everybody loves you…I’d like
to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s
Eve to play?”

The two musicians look at each other and then at the club owner…
and the trombone player says “Sure … we’d love to… is it OK if we leave our stuff here?”

[MarkJerling]

I may have posted this one before...

A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on."

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten cow!", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!"

[Digitalis]

Not a joke in the strictest sense but an observation that got a laugh out of me:

"Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire."
-Seth Andrews