The Joke Thread

torashi · 08-21-2018, 11:39 AM - **1 Like**

What do you call two men standing in the window?

Kurt and Rod

torashi · 08-21-2018, 11:41 AM

What do you call a flower under your nose?

Tulips

pakinjapan · 08-23-2018, 06:29 AM - **5 Likes**

MarkJerling · 08-23-2018, 12:27 PM - **9 Likes**

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."

SSGGeezer · 08-23-2018, 12:59 PM - **6 Likes**

Originally posted by bigdavephoto

What do you call a dog with no legs?
.
.
.
.
.
You don't because he couldn't come to you.

What do you name the dog with no legs?

Cigarette , and take him out for a drag.

**sbh** · 08-23-2018, 01:23 PM

Originally posted by pakinjapan

PHOTOGRPHER

Good one!

**blumoon722** · 08-24-2018, 05:49 PM - **8 Likes**

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ****ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your ****ing BADGE!!"

bertwert · 08-24-2018, 06:18 PM - **7 Likes**

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for his first time, at the end of an awesome day on the slops he headed to a local bar. After a good few whiskeys he turned around too discover a big stuffed animal head, with giant antlers, hanging on the wall.
He turned to the bartender and said "What the hell is that?"
The bartender replied "Oh, it's a moose."
The Scotsman jumped in surprised and exclaimed "Bloody hell! How big are the cats?"

Liney · 08-24-2018, 10:14 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by SSGGeezer

What do you name the dog with no legs?

Cigarette , and take him out for a drag.

First time I heard that the dogs name was Woodbine, but that would be advertising.

I call my dog "Ironmonger", because every time I come home he makes a bolt for the door....

SharkyCA · 08-26-2018, 03:21 AM

A Seal walks into Club.

bxf · 08-26-2018, 04:12 AM - **4 Likes**

19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

**blues_hawk** · 08-26-2018, 07:28 AM

Oh! a joke thread...this could be bad...

I became an Astronomer so I could sit in the dark and look at Uranus.

Jim Dandy · 08-26-2018, 07:38 AM - **10 Likes**

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

elephant grape sine theta.

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mountain?

Nothing, the mountain climber is a scalar.

Sorry, sorry - the only way I could remember cross products from dot products in physics class.

---------- Post added 08-26-18 at 08:07 ----------

A bunch of photographers signed up for one of those weekend seminars you see in the back of the photo magazines. They were taking the train to Napa for wine tasting and advanced ND filter use for nighttime landscapes. Three Pentaxians went to the station ticket window but bought only one ticket. The three Canikon users (one Mk5, a D750 and a 7200) behind them each bought a ticket and then asked the Pentaxians why they only had one ticket. "Wait and see," was the answer.

When the two groups boarded the train, the 3 Pentaxians jammed themselves into the bathroom while the Canikons took seats. When the conductor came around to check tickets, he knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The door opened a crack and one hand poked out with a ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on. The Pentaxians came out and took seats.

At the end of the weekend outing, the two groups were headed to the train station and the Canikons decided they would use the same stunt to save some money so they could buy logo'd Canikon softgoods from ebay. They bought one ticket but noticed the Pentaxians did not buy any. "Why didn't you buy any tickets," they asked. "Wait and see," was the answer. They all boarded the train and the Canikons jammed into one bathroom with the Pentaxians in the other. As soon as the train started moving, one of the Pentaxians slipped out of their bathroom, knocked on the other door and said, "Ticket please."

Jim Dandy · 08-27-2018, 07:08 AM - **4 Likes**

Knock, knock.

Who is there?

Doorbell repairman.

MarkJerling · 08-27-2018, 03:43 PM

Originally posted by Jim Dandy

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

elephant grape sine theta.

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mountain?

Nothing, the mountain climber is a scalar.

Sorry, sorry - the only way I could remember cross products from dot products in physics class.

---------- Post added 08-26-18 at 08:07 ----------

A bunch of photographers signed up for one of those weekend seminars you see in the back of the photo magazines. They were taking the train to Napa for wine tasting and advanced ND filter use for nighttime landscapes. Three Pentaxians went to the station ticket window but bought only one ticket. The three Canikon users (one Mk5, a D750 and a 7200) behind them each bought a ticket and then asked the Pentaxians why they only had one ticket. "Wait and see," was the answer.

When the two groups boarded the train, the 3 Pentaxians jammed themselves into the bathroom while the Canikons took seats. When the conductor came around to check tickets, he knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The door opened a crack and one hand poked out with a ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on. The Pentaxians came out and took seats.

At the end of the weekend outing, the two groups were headed to the train station and the Canikons decided they would use the same stunt to save some money so they could buy logo'd Canikon softgoods from ebay. They bought one ticket but noticed the Pentaxians did not buy any. "Why didn't you buy any tickets," they asked. "Wait and see," was the answer. They all boarded the train and the Canikons jammed into one bathroom with the Pentaxians in the other. As soon as the train started moving, one of the Pentaxians slipped out of their bathroom, knocked on the other door and said, "Ticket please."

Very funny!

08-26-2018, 07:28 AM	#1062
blues_hawk Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2016 Location: Patrick Co. Virginia Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,534	Oh! a joke thread...this could be bad... I became an Astronomer so I could sit in the dark and look at Uranus. Last edited by blues_hawk; 08-26-2018 at 07:28 AM. Reason: wasted one.

08-26-2018, 07:38 AM - 10 Likes	#1063
Jim Dandy Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2018 Location: Central Oregon Photos: Gallery Posts: 137	What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape? elephant grape sine theta. What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mountain? Nothing, the mountain climber is a scalar. Sorry, sorry - the only way I could remember cross products from dot products in physics class. ---------- Post added 08-26-18 at 08:07 ---------- A bunch of photographers signed up for one of those weekend seminars you see in the back of the photo magazines. They were taking the train to Napa for wine tasting and advanced ND filter use for nighttime landscapes. Three Pentaxians went to the station ticket window but bought only one ticket. The three Canikon users (one Mk5, a D750 and a 7200) behind them each bought a ticket and then asked the Pentaxians why they only had one ticket. "Wait and see," was the answer. When the two groups boarded the train, the 3 Pentaxians jammed themselves into the bathroom while the Canikons took seats. When the conductor came around to check tickets, he knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The door opened a crack and one hand poked out with a ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on. The Pentaxians came out and took seats. At the end of the weekend outing, the two groups were headed to the train station and the Canikons decided they would use the same stunt to save some money so they could buy logo'd Canikon softgoods from ebay. They bought one ticket but noticed the Pentaxians did not buy any. "Why didn't you buy any tickets," they asked. "Wait and see," was the answer. They all boarded the train and the Canikons jammed into one bathroom with the Pentaxians in the other. As soon as the train started moving, one of the Pentaxians slipped out of their bathroom, knocked on the other door and said, "Ticket please." Last edited by Jim Dandy; 08-26-2018 at 08:05 AM.

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08-21-2018, 11:39 AM - 1 Like	#1051
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	What do you call two men standing in the window? Kurt and Rod

08-21-2018, 11:41 AM	#1052
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	What do you call a flower under your nose? Tulips

08-23-2018, 06:29 AM - 5 Likes	#1053
pakinjapan Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Tokyo Photos: Gallery Posts: 1,041

08-23-2018, 12:27 PM - 9 Likes	#1054
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."

08-23-2018, 12:59 PM - 6 Likes	#1055
SSGGeezer Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2017 Location: Indiana, U.S. Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,845	Originally posted by bigdavephoto What do you call a dog with no legs? . . . . . You don't because he couldn't come to you. What do you name the dog with no legs? Cigarette , and take him out for a drag.

08-23-2018, 01:23 PM	#1056
sbh Site Supporter Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Black Forest, Germany Photos: Gallery Posts: 849	Originally posted by pakinjapan PHOTOGRPHER Good one!

08-24-2018, 05:49 PM - 8 Likes	#1057
blumoon722 Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 424	A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this **ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your **ing BADGE!!"

08-24-2018, 06:18 PM - 7 Likes	#1058
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,173 Original Poster	A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for his first time, at the end of an awesome day on the slops he headed to a local bar. After a good few whiskeys he turned around too discover a big stuffed animal head, with giant antlers, hanging on the wall. He turned to the bartender and said "What the hell is that?" The bartender replied "Oh, it's a moose." The Scotsman jumped in surprised and exclaimed "Bloody hell! How big are the cats?"

08-24-2018, 10:14 PM - 2 Likes	#1059
Liney Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 1,237	Originally posted by SSGGeezer What do you name the dog with no legs? Cigarette , and take him out for a drag. First time I heard that the dogs name was Woodbine, but that would be advertising. I call my dog "Ironmonger", because every time I come home he makes a bolt for the door....

08-26-2018, 03:21 AM	#1060
SharkyCA Pentaxian Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Carleton Place, Ontario, Canada Photos: Gallery Posts: 806	A Seal walks into Club.

08-26-2018, 04:12 AM - 4 Likes	#1061
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	19 and 20 got into a fight. 21

08-27-2018, 07:08 AM - 4 Likes	#1064
Jim Dandy Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2018 Location: Central Oregon Photos: Gallery Posts: 137	Knock, knock. Who is there? Doorbell repairman.

08-27-2018, 03:43 PM	#1065
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	Originally posted by Jim Dandy What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape? elephant grape sine theta. What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mountain? Nothing, the mountain climber is a scalar. Sorry, sorry - the only way I could remember cross products from dot products in physics class. ---------- Post added 08-26-18 at 08:07 ---------- A bunch of photographers signed up for one of those weekend seminars you see in the back of the photo magazines. They were taking the train to Napa for wine tasting and advanced ND filter use for nighttime landscapes. Three Pentaxians went to the station ticket window but bought only one ticket. The three Canikon users (one Mk5, a D750 and a 7200) behind them each bought a ticket and then asked the Pentaxians why they only had one ticket. "Wait and see," was the answer. When the two groups boarded the train, the 3 Pentaxians jammed themselves into the bathroom while the Canikons took seats. When the conductor came around to check tickets, he knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The door opened a crack and one hand poked out with a ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on. The Pentaxians came out and took seats. At the end of the weekend outing, the two groups were headed to the train station and the Canikons decided they would use the same stunt to save some money so they could buy logo'd Canikon softgoods from ebay. They bought one ticket but noticed the Pentaxians did not buy any. "Why didn't you buy any tickets," they asked. "Wait and see," was the answer. They all boarded the train and the Canikons jammed into one bathroom with the Pentaxians in the other. As soon as the train started moving, one of the Pentaxians slipped out of their bathroom, knocked on the other door and said, "Ticket please." Very funny!