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08-30-2018, 08:03 PM - 3 Likes   #1081
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A priest and a businessman went out for a round of golf.

On the first hole, the businessman sliced the ball far into the rough. "%$*@ it, I missed" was his response. The priest rolled his eyes to heaven and remained quiet.

The businessman did no better at the subsequent holes, and as his frustration increased, so did the volume of his profanity. By the 17th hole the priest could restrain himself no longer, and he told the businessman that his language was offensive to the priest and to his God.

The poor businessman took one last, futile attempt to keep his ball in play on the last hole. As he was about to give one last blasphemous cry of despair, the storm clouds rapidly gathered, the sky darkened and thunder began rolling in the heavens.

Suddenly, a gap parted in the clouds and a lightning bolt arced down to earth, striking the priest on the top of his tonsured head and killing him stone dead.

An enormous booming "%$*@ it, I missed" was heard for hundreds of miles.

08-30-2018, 08:54 PM - 4 Likes   #1082
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Tiger Woods, Jesus Christ and an old man were starting a round of golf.

Tiger steps up to tee off. He sets his ball, gets into his stance, swings, and like Tiger of old, the ball lands just off the green.

Jesus steps up to tee off. Sets his ball, takes his swing, and the ball lands on the green about 25 feet away from the hole.

Now it was time for the old man to tee off. He slowly makes his way, stumbling all the while to the tee box, puts his ball down on the golf tee, almost falling in the process. He gets into a stance that looks kind of odd. Takes a swing at the ball. The ball flies down the fairway about 100 yards. A squirrel came running out of the bushes, picked the ball up in it's mouth, and started to run down the fairway. About half way down the fairway, an eagle flew down and grabbed the squirrel and took off. About the time the eagle reached the green, a bolt of lighting flashed out of the clear blue sky and scared the eagle causing the eagle to drop the squirrel.

The squirrel hit the ground with the ball still in it's mouth. The squirrel got up, ran across the green and dropped the ball into the hole.

Jesus turned to the old man and said, "Nice shot Dad."
08-30-2018, 09:56 PM - 1 Like   #1083
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Good one bigdavephoto. I'm going to borrow some of your prose.

Jesus and Moses were playing a round of golf. On the first tee, Jesus swings. The ball flies down the fairway about 100 yards. A squirrel came running out of the bushes, picked the ball up in it's mouth, and started to run down the fairway. About half way down the fairway, an eagle flew down and grabbed the squirrel and took off. About the time the eagle reached the green, a bolt of lighting flashed out of the clear blue sky and scared the eagle causing the eagle to drop the squirrel. The squirrel hit the ground with the ball still in it's mouth. The squirrel got up, ran across the green and dropped the ball into the hole.

Moses says "JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU GOING TO F*** AROUND OR PLAY GOLF?

---------- Post added 2018-08-31 at 01:17 ----------

In a similar vein...

A man fan dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter, knowing the man is a huge fan of rock music, asks if he would like to see heaven's band. Of course the man eagerly agrees. The band consists of Keith Moon and John Bonham on drums, Jack Bruce and John Paul Jones on bass Jimi Hendrix, Duane Allman and Eric Clapton on guitar, Greg Allman and Billy Preston on organ and vocals. As he's watching this amazing lineup, he says to St. Peter, "This is awesome, but I didn't know that Eric Clapton was dead."
St. Peter says "Oh he's not. That's just God. He thinks he's Eric Clapton."
08-30-2018, 10:18 PM   #1084
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QuoteOriginally posted by SharkyCA Quote
A Seal walks into Club.
You mean a Baby Seal Club?



08-30-2018, 10:22 PM   #1085
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QuoteOriginally posted by lotech Quote
Photography with Pentax is a hobby that make people younger every day, so that we go from K7 to K1, and thanks God we skipped K9, that's not funny I know
That would've been a dog camera.

08-31-2018, 05:58 AM - 7 Likes   #1086
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A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
08-31-2018, 06:11 AM   #1087
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We have our "own" versions of that, such as:
- London, US and the Woolwich Ferry (over the River Thames)
- Liverpool, US and the Mersey Ferry (over the River Mersey)


08-31-2018, 06:13 AM - 1 Like   #1088
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An English man, an Italian, and a Pole were sitting on a beam of the high rise building they work on, getting ready to have lunch.

The English guy, as he is about to open his lunch box, says, "I hope it's not fish and chips again. I swear, if I get another fish and chips I'm going to kill myself". He opens his lunch, sees it's fish and chips, and good to his word, jumps and kills himself.

The Italian, as he is opening his lunch box, says "I sure hope it's not another spaghetti. I swear, if it's spaghetti, I'm going to kill myself too". He opens his lunch, sees the spaghetti, and jumps to his death.

The Polish guy says to himself "geez, I hope it's not a kielbasa sandwich again. If it is, I'm going to jump too". He opens his lunch, sees the kielbasa, and jumps.

The funerals for the three men were all held together, and the three widows were crying. The English widow says, "oh, if only I knew he was so fed up of fish and chips, I would have given hims something else".

The Italian widow, sobbing loudly says, "and if I knew Gianni was so tired of spaghetti, I would have given him something else too".

The Polish widow says "hey, don't look at me. He made his own lunch".
08-31-2018, 06:53 AM   #1089
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QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
ROFL

08-31-2018, 08:22 AM   #1090
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
You mean a Baby Seal Club?
Don't know if it helps to be Canadian?
08-31-2018, 08:34 AM   #1091
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QuoteOriginally posted by SharkyCA Quote
Don't know if it helps to be Canadian?
Sure. And anyone from Namibia, Iceland, Norway, Russia, Finland, Sweden or Greenland gets a free pass into the great clubbing experience, too. WOOT! WOOT! B-)
08-31-2018, 09:44 AM   #1092
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This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
08-31-2018, 11:10 AM - 1 Like   #1093
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I submitted a bunch of jokes to a contest in the hopes that I would win, but no pun in ten did.
08-31-2018, 11:14 AM   #1094
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A diced hot pepper, some cubed ginger root and a cinnamon stick walk into a club soda...
08-31-2018, 11:18 AM - 6 Likes   #1095
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So, Johnny and his girl Sally are going to prom this Saturday. But, before they can go, Johnny needs to make sure they have a perfect night.
So, Friday comes, and Johnny goes out to get his tuxedo. When he gets to the tux rental store, there's this ridiculously long line. But he needs the tux, so Johnny waits. And he waits, and waits until finally, he has his tux.
Next, he needs a limo. So he goes to the limousine rental shop and finds that there's an even longer line there. But he needs the limo, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he has the limo ordered.
Johnny realizes he needs some new kicks, so he stops by a shoe store to get himself some nice shoes. When he goes to pay, he sees the longest line yet. But he needs the shoes, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he's got his new shoes.
Saturday, Johnny's ready to pick up his girl. He drives over to her house, picks her up, and they head to prom. At the dance, they're having a great time, dancing, playing at the casino, hanging out with friends. Soon, though, Sally gets thirsty, and asks Johnny for a drink. Being the good guy he is, Johnny obliges.
So Johnny walks over to the punch table, and what do you know... there's no punch line.
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