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11-12-2018, 11:51 AM - 1 Like   #1186
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Before a performance of Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Gondoliers," a lady was reading the usual list of sponsors, cast substitutions, and instructions about exits, then she parted with this: "And no flash photography - it might make the Venetians blind."

11-12-2018, 01:32 PM   #1187
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
Before a performance of Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Gondoliers," a lady was reading the usual list of sponsors, cast substitutions, and instructions about exits, then she parted with this: "And no flash photography - it might make the Venetians blind."
Very good. My wife enjoyed it and so did I.
11-12-2018, 02:13 PM   #1188
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
Very good. My wife enjoyed it and so did I.
BTW: It was an actual performance, the 44th by a local amateur musical theater group (Valley Light Opera). They specialize in G&S, but last year they mounted a really outstanding production of My Fair Lady.
11-12-2018, 10:32 PM - 11 Likes   #1189
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"I ordered some things online the other day. Trouble is, I used my organ donor card instead of my debit card. Ended up costing me an arm and a leg."

11-16-2018, 07:20 AM - 2 Likes   #1190
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11-16-2018, 12:28 PM - 1 Like   #1191
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And... I will cut off your head
11-16-2018, 01:16 PM   #1192
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QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
I didn't know these were necessarily mutually exclusive
Lol

I really don't know what was going through my head. Was trying to say two different things at the same time.



11-16-2018, 02:20 PM - 1 Like   #1193
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QuoteOriginally posted by jack002 Quote
And... I will cut off your head
But probably only the top half.
11-21-2018, 08:04 AM - 7 Likes   #1194
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11-29-2018, 02:52 PM - 14 Likes   #1195
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Two Kiwis, Trev and Bazza, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney. Trev happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. It says 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 a pair'

Trevor says to his pal, 'Bazza, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune”. “Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”

'No worries, smiled Bazza, Cool as, I'll keep my mouth shut.' They go in and Trev says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?' 'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trev. 'How the hill dud you know thet?' The owner says,
'This is a dry cleaners!'.
11-29-2018, 02:53 PM - 9 Likes   #1196
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A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."
11-30-2018, 11:48 AM - 12 Likes   #1197
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A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son. The son says "OK, OK, I was at a friends house watching movies."
Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?" Son says "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says "OK,OK, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
12-02-2018, 09:02 PM - 10 Likes   #1198
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What do you get when you combine a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
12-03-2018, 08:16 AM - 2 Likes   #1199
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QuoteOriginally posted by Digitalis Quote
What do you get when you combine a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
The VW Golf comes with a spare tire in case you get a hole in one
12-03-2018, 12:09 PM   #1200
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QuoteOriginally posted by jack002 Quote
The VW Golf comes with a spare tire in case you get a hole in one
Wow. I got an VW add below your "flat" joke.
Big brother is upon us. :Illuminati:

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