[rechmbrs]

Hmm, perhaps:

"Half the lawyers are suers and the other half are suees. It's easy to get trapped in their sewage."

I still think Letterman would do his signal to the card prompt guy, let's not do this one, hold up the next gag instead.

Thanks Clackers.

Problem is Letterman didn't like it fifteen years ago or was it longer than that and I keep holding out for a miracle. Hoping one of those retired profs who hang around here might have some helpful-leftover verbiage?

Another problem not solved!!

RONC

[MarkJerling]

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was . . . surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

They are all brilliant, Tony - but the ones above really made me laugh.

[clackers]

Thanks Clackers.

Problem is Letterman didn't like it fifteen years ago or was it longer than that and I keep holding out for a miracle. Hoping one of those retired profs who hang around here might have some helpful-leftover verbiage?

Another problem not solved!!

RONC

(Laughs)

I think it's such a forced phrase that tweaking won't really help, Ron, IMHO.

Maybe submit to Kimmel … he can do with any assistance.

[clackers]

"Robert Adler, co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of ninety-three. In accordance with his wishes, he will be buried between two enormous sofa cushions."

[Unregistered User 8]

My Grandad was a dyslexic baker in the army.

He used to go in all buns glazing.

[robtcorl]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his wife”

[Dieseler]

A man comes home from a hard days work, flops down on the sofa in front of the TV and yells to his wife "quick, get me a beer, it's about to start!". His wife hands him a beer which he soon chugs down and yells to his wife again "quick, get me another beer, it's almost started!" This time his wife yells "why you lazy, good for nothing drunken slob..." The man holds up his hand, rolls his eyes and says "it's started"

[bxf]

I was driving down the motorway the other day, when I crashed into the back of a 4x4. Out stepped a midget. He walked up to my car and he said to me,"I'm not freakin' happy!" To which I replied, "Which one are you then?"

- - - - - - - - -

My mate recently lost his wife and child.I kept telling him he was lousy at cards.

- - - - - - - - -

Moishe was walking alone, looking totally miserable, and crying in misery "oy vay, how can this happen to me", etc, etc.

Suddenly Moishe heard a booming voice form above which said "Moishe, What's the problem?" Moishe replies "my son, my only son, he wants to convert to Christianity". The booming then says "so, mine did too".

[Liney]

Has to be done at this time of year..

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?



He sold his soul to Santa....?

[robtcorl]

I've been reading a very good book on helium.
I can't put it down!

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

[bertwert]

At a parole hearing...

Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It’s bec—
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have—
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

[torashi]

I've been reading a very good book on helium.
I can't put it down!

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

- You're on helium? Be careful. First come the headache, then the hipoxia.

- I guess you've never tried amanita muscaria.

[bertwert]

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fibre vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterwards. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in stream side debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"

[bxf]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "first, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

- - - - - - - - - - -

"It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"

Groan...

[Digitalis]