[robtcorl]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven.

---

Last edited by robtcorl; 08-19-2019 at 02:17 PM.

[clackers]

A ventriloquist is on stage telling a dumb blonde joke, when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. "I'm talking to the little idiot on your knee."

[Tonytee]

Ray & Bob, two government maintenance workers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder." The woman said, "Hand me that wrench in your toolbox." She loosened a few bolts, and then

laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox,took a measurement and announced, " 18 feet, 6 inches" and walked away. Ray shook his head and

laughed, "Well, ain't that just like a "Miss-know-it-all woman?" he said. " We need the height and she gives us the length."

Ray & Bob are still working for the government however, now they're Congressmen. ))

[MarkJerling]

Dave wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, lunch is on the kitchen bench, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He sits up, swings his feet off the bed rather gingerly and sees his clothing on the chair, all clean and pressed. Dave looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. He makes his way to the Kitchen. On the way there, he notices the rest of the house is perfectly clean and tidy.

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a lovely meal waiting and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Dave asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, fell over the cat, threw up in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the bedroom door."

Confused, Dave asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and lunch is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"

[MarkJerling]

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."

"But it's sinful and wicked!"

"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"

"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."

"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"

[MarkJerling]

A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink.

After awhile, the bartender asks him "What is in the bag?"

The man says "Nothing, don't worry about it"

The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer.

Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag.

The man agrees.

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.

The bartender says "Wow! That's amazing! Where did you find the guy?"

The man looks up and says "I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken"

The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says "Tell you what, have the lamp. It's yours if you want."

The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks and the room is suddenly filled with a million ducks.

"This thing is definitely broken!" Says the bartender.

The man replies, "Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

[MarkJerling]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[MarkJerling]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar and begin drinking. Soon they noticed a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for.

The Barman told then: "that is there is the prize for anyone who can 1: Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes; 2: Go into that room over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot; 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman".

The Prize money was too much for the men to pass over so they agreed to try.

The Englishman goes first, but after only half the tequila he collapses drunk.

The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lions room. The door is closed and there is a massive scream and soon afterwards he stumbles back out of the room with his hand bitten off.

The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions room. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are massive screams and shouts coming from behind the door, screams which last for nearly ten minutes... There is banging up against the sides of the door and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered, bleeding and torn - "Now" he slurs "Where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"

[clackers]

You're on fire, Mark!

[MarkJerling]

You're on fire, Mark!

Thanks Ian.

I'm here 'till Thursday. Try the veal.

[rechmbrs]

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."

"But it's sinful and wicked!"

"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"

"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."

"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"

I remember, back in the '50s, of seeing the Coors beer truck stop at the Convent next to the school across from where I lived. Bet the driver could relate some stories to his deliveries.

RONC

[35mmfilmfan]

I've finally realised why cemetaries and graveyards have walls and gates :

No-one wants to get out - but people are dying to get in.

[WPRESTO]

A small cemetery in town has narrow entries through the surrounding old stone wall, so some of those are marked "NO EXIT."

Enjoy every day, for we're a long time dead.

[timb64]

Not seen on many gravestones

“I wish I’d spent more time at the office.”

[robtcorl]