[bxf]

Oh, alright, back on topic.

What do you call a vegetable smoking weed?

A baked potato.

Good save, bertwert.

[StiffLegged]

I thought Tubers were people posting pointless videos of interest only to vegetables ... oh, right.

[Parallax]

Didn't we used to have a joke thread somewhere?
Whatever happened to that?
Judging by the last several pages this thread is clearly mislabeled so maybe it is time to close it.

Aren’t potatoes tubers?

I thought Tubers were people posting pointless videos of interest only to vegetables ... oh, right.

Since my not so subtle hint failed, I'm going to close this for a couple of days.

[MarkJerling]

Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

The first day that they go fishing, they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they are driving home they both feel quite depressed. One guy turns to the other and says: “Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”

The other guy says: “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

[MarkJerling]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the main street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain!”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said: “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

[MarkJerling]

Teacher: Tommy, why weren’t you at school yesterday?
Tommy: Well, my dad got burnt.
Teacher: Oh dear, I hope it wasn’t bad.
Tommy: They don’t mess about at that crematorium, Miss.


Teacher: Johnny, why weren’t you at school yesterday?
Johnny: I had to take the bull to the cows.
Teacher: Couldn’t your father have done that?
Johnny: Yes, Miss, but the bull does it better …

[MarkJerling]

My Dad warned people over and over that the Titanic was going to sink but would they listen ? No, they kept telling him to shut up.
Finally, they threw him out of the movie theater.

[Fluegel]

Two guys are camping in the bush.
While the were sleeping in their tent. All of a sudden one of them is bitten by a snake.
The bite was right in the guys privates.
His mate grabs a spade kills the snake puts it in a bag and goes of to hospital to get an antidote.

The snake is recognised as being extremely poisonous.
He gets the antidote. Before he leaves the doctors tell him to suck the wound to clear most of the poison.
Without cleaning of the wound the victim will die in 4-5 hours.

He returns to the wounded guy who is in a lot of pain.
"Did you get the antidote" Yes I did. "Will it help"
I am afraid not, you will be dead in a couple of hours.

[clackers]

"My buddy says I'm getting fat, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate lately."

[robtcorl]

"My buddy says I'm getting fat, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate lately."

Kind of like Pig, eh?

[Fluegel]

Sorry guys, no more jokes??

[bxf]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out, and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. Then the sheriff says, "Now, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Fluegel]

Speeding?

A driver is given a stop sign for speeding.
Officer "you did 38mph in a 30 mph area.
Driver sorry officer, i passed two signs each stating 30 mph.
"So you deliberately ignored the speed limit"
No sir two signs reading 30 means I can do 60. The add up.

[MrB1]

Old bloke in pharmacy: 'Tell me, does that Viagra stuff work?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes Sir - it's very effective.'
Bloke: 'Would I be able to get it over the counter?'
Pharmacist: 'Probably Sir, if you take two tablets.'

[Liney]

Speeding?

A driver is given a stop sign for speeding.
Officer "you did 38mph in a 30 mph area.
Driver sorry officer, i passed two signs each stating 30 mph.
"So you deliberately ignored the speed limit"
No sir two signs reading 30 means I can do 60. The add up.

On that subject, we used to have a couple of aircraft towing tractors for shifting aircraft around. One day the local military police got a radar gun to play with, and pulled over one of our techies for allegedly doing more than 25 mph on the road that ran around the runway. On the day of the charge the techie was asked if he wanted to call any witnesses, to which he replied that he wanted to call the officer in charge of all the mechanical transport on the station (and by default in charge of the tractors}. Said officer was duly called, and was asked what the top speed of the tractors was. The officer replied it was 20 mph as the engine was fitted with a governor.

Case was dismissed, the military police were told not to tell porky pies about speeding when it was not feasible, and after everyone had left the techies shift boss was quietly told to make sure all the engine governors were fitted back onto the tractors......