[WPRESTO]

Jim's joke reminded me of this I saw a wee while ago:

There was a musician named bertwert,
Met a lassie and with her he did flirt.
Said the maid; "GO YOUR WAY,
I'll not dally this day
With a piper who maketh my ears hurt."

[bertwert]

Duct tape, the universal solution.

[timb64]

Duct tape, the universal solution.

It would certainly deal with Klingons

[robtcorl]

[bxf]

Our cleaning lady just called and said that during this crisis she will be working from home and will send us instructions on what to do.

[Parallax]

One day an Englishman went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The Englishman was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and an assortment of the finest teas waiting for him at his door.

Later, an Irishman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The Irishman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a bottle of Irish whisky waiting for him at his door.

Then a Scotsman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Scotsman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Scots lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[lesmore49]

One day an Englishman went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The Englishman was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and an assortment of the finest teas waiting for him at his door.

Later, an Irishman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The Irishman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a bottle of Irish whisky waiting for him at his door.

Then a Scotsman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Scotsman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Scots lined up waiting for a free haircut.

I enjoyed that joke. One of my grandfathers was from Scotland and he used to say...that there are two types of people in the world...those who are Scots and those who wished they were. I'm sure he would of got a kick out your story.

[Parallax]

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door at pet nose height...

Dear Cats:

1. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate full of food does not stake a claim on it, nor do I find the sight aesthetically pleasing.

2. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom of the stairs is not a game. Tripping me doesn't help because I can fall faster than you can run.

3. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. However, do not think that I will start sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is also not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues protruding from the other end to maximize the space you fill is not required for proper sleep rhythm.

4. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or squeeze your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- feline attendance is not required.

5. The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell another cat's rear end. I cannot stress this enough!

In return for compliance, my dear pets, I will post the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, my pets are animals. To me, they are my adopted offspring who just happen to be short and hairy, who walk on all fours and who don’t speak clearly.

[Parallax]

How to Photograph a New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take tissue from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat in another room and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

[Racer X 69]

Ha you beat my edit!

The fastest gun typer in the West forum.

modest too.

Not as fast as Irving.

Irving.

Big short fat dumb Irving.

The 142nd fastest gun, in the West.

You Tube

You Tube

141 was faster than he.

But Irving was looking for 143.

[Racer X 69]

Duct tape, the universal solution.

That will give one a brazilian.

Ouch.

[35mmfilmfan]

Not as fast as Irving.

Irving.

Big short fat dumb Irving.

The 142nd fastest gun, in the West.

Frank Gallop - The Ballad Of Irving - YouTube


141 was faster than he.

But Irving was looking for 143.

Dr. Demento lives !!

[lesmore49]

How to Photograph a New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take tissue from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat in another room and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

I agree, but would add one more step...

20. Repeat.

[bxf]

"I AM WET. I AM ALL WET!" She yelled. "GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!"
.

.

.
.
.

She can scream as much as she likes, I'm not giving her my umbrella.

[lesmore49]

Duct tape, the universal solution.

In consideration of the universal solution...duct tape........I would like to offer all health, happiness and toilet paper !