[MarkJerling]

The wife wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sauted them for their dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left. The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....

"I can't believe that guy!" "What guy?" "You know, the guy who ran over Spot.
He never even slowed down."

[MarkJerling]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." .............

[MarkJerling]

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday school class.
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "No!"
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

[35mmfilmfan]

Why are there no baseball games on May 4th ?






The Umpire Strikes Back

[Liney]

Three old blokes sitting on a bench boasting about how far back they can remember.

The first bloke says "I can recall being three months old, and my mum taking me for a walk in my pram".

The second bloke thinks for a minute and says "I can beat that, I remember being somewhere dark and warm and then somewhere with bright lights and lots of people, so I reckon I can remember being born.."

The third bloke sat there and gazed off into the distance, and finally said "I can recall going on a picnic with my dad and going home with my mum......"

[Unregistered User 8]

Grandma and grandpa are getting ready for their morning health walk and grandma can't decide.

" Bob, do you think I should wear my bra this time? "

" Yeah Rosie, you better, it's quite muddy outside."

[Parallax]

My mother-in-law went to the doctor years ago because she was concerned about a lump behind her breast.
The doctor told her it was nothing to worry about. It was just her kneecap.

[Parallax]

....................

[robtcorl]

[Jean Poitiers]

Ah, the Ford Pinto ... there was a joke about using them to invade Mexico.

Full 'em up with Premium and drive them in reverse south across the border. The Mexican Army would flee in hoards.

(FB steal ... pretty dark humor here and it was posted by a friend's wife)

[Parallax]

Joke from that era:

Worst pick-up line ever: "Hey babe, want to go for a drive? I just put a new set of Firestone 500s on my Pinto."

(for you younguns, Pintos and Firestone 500s were in the news at that time. The tires for failing and causing thousands of crashes, the Pintos for catching fire in a rear end collision.)

[Jean Poitiers]

Joke from that era:

Worst pick-up line ever: "Hey babe, want to go for a drive? I just put a new set of Firestone 500s on my Pinto."

(for you younguns, Pintos and Firestone 500s were in the news at that time. The tires for failing and causing thousands of crashes, the Pintos for catching fire in a rear end collision.)

Yeah, I remember that one ... and my dad even picked up a personal injury case due to a Firestone 500 failure of an RV on an Interstate.

[Unregistered User 8]

A very well dressed 80 year old gentleman walks confidently into the upmarket cocktail lounge.

He scans the room and sees an equally well dressed elderly lady sitting alone at the bar.

They make eye contact, she smiles, and he makes his move to the empty stool beside her.

He sits, smiles and orders a drink.

He turns to her with a twinkle in his eye and says very smoothly " Well hello. So tell me, do I come here often? "

[Parallax]

.......................

[Jean Poitiers]

Duff, did someone say "Beeeer" ?!