The Joke Thread

Parallax · 06-17-2020, 04:42 PM - **4 Likes**

The English language is a strange one.
Asteroids can be seen from both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, uh, erm, well, never mind.

**arnold** · 06-17-2020, 05:47 PM - **7 Likes**

Here is a story for you that illustrates the function of the implicit, the moral and imagination in human logic.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest by the name of Andre beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.
'With your honest face, Father Andre, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest Andre go first.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

A question to an artificial intelligence computer could be, why did the official find this amusing and let Andre pass? Implicit knowledge is not a computers strong point and with the missing implied data I doubt it could answer.

Racer X 69 · 06-17-2020, 05:59 PM

Originally posted by Parallax

The English language is a strange one.
Asteroids can be seen in both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, well, never mind.

That's funny.

Originally posted by Parallax

The English language is a strange one.
Asteroids can be seen from both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, uh, erm, well, never mind.

Hey, wait a minute!

Do I need to laugh twice?

Parallax · 06-17-2020, 06:31 PM - **1 Like**

Yes

Yes

Fluegel · 06-18-2020, 11:46 AM

Extremely efficient.

35mmfilmfan · 06-22-2020, 12:53 AM - **2 Likes**

Not exactly a joke, but a comment caused by lack of understanding.

On my way back to Portsmouth one evening, on the Isle of Wight ferry. Beautiful sunset, captured by many on cameras (no mobile phones in those days). Couple near me, lady carrying a Polaroid camera. Her partner asked why she did not take a photo. Pityingly, she held the camera out for him to see and said, 'Look ! It says Polaroid Land Camera !'

35mmfilmfan · 06-22-2020, 12:54 AM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

The English language is a strange one.
Asteroids can be seen from both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, uh, erm, well, never mind.

If they develop within a minute, are they Polaroids ?

jeallen01 · 06-22-2020, 01:19 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

Not exactly a joke, but a comment caused by lack of understanding.

On my way back to Portsmouth one evening, on the Isle of Wight ferry. Beautiful sunset, captured by many on cameras (no mobile phones in those days). Couple near me, lady carrying a Polaroid camera. Her partner asked why she did not take a photo. Pityingly, she held the camera out for him to see and said, 'Look ! It says Polaroid Land Camera !'

I guess that she'd think that you couldn't use a "waterproof" camera anywhere else than underwater!

Jean Poitiers · 06-22-2020, 02:32 AM - **13 Likes**

Translation:

Perpetual motion & infinite energy ?

1. Cats always fall on their feet
2. The buttered slice always falls on the butter side
3. Attach buttered slice to the back of a cat
4. The cat pivots continually never touching the ground
5. Attach cat-buttered slice to a generator
6. Perpetual motion ⇒ infinite energy

Jean Poitiers · 06-22-2020, 02:34 AM - **6 Likes**

PS ... notice how the cat is attached to the generator ... meOOOOOOOW !

Racer X 69 · 06-22-2020, 04:03 AM - **4 Likes**

Originally posted by Jean Poitiers

PS ... notice how the cat is attached to the generator ... meOOOOOOOW !

Reminds me of the book by Simon Bond, 101 Uses For A Dead Cat.

MarkJerling · 06-22-2020, 04:04 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by Jean Poitiers

PS ... notice how the cat is attached to the generator ... meOOOOOOOW !

I bet that makes it spin faster!

timb64 · 06-22-2020, 05:25 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by Racer X 69

Reminds me of the book by Simon Bond, 101 Uses For A Dead Cat.

Loved that book as a teenager (probably would still!)

35mmfilmfan · 06-22-2020, 10:30 AM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by Racer X 69

Reminds me of the book by Simon Bond, 101 Uses For A Dead Cat.

Hey, I've been to that pub ! It's in the New Forest, near Ringwood, I think.

Liney · 06-22-2020, 08:01 PM - **5 Likes**

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

Hey, I've been to that pub ! It's in the New Forest, near Ringwood, I think.

It must have been a franchise, I've been to several pubs that used to serve cat "water", normally labelled as Lager....

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06-17-2020, 04:42 PM - 4 Likes	#2776
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	The English language is a strange one. Asteroids can be seen from both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, uh, erm, well, never mind.

06-17-2020, 05:47 PM - 7 Likes	#2777
arnold Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Queensland Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,293	Here is a story for you that illustrates the function of the implicit, the moral and imagination in human logic. An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest by the name of Andre beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie. 'With your honest face, Father Andre, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest Andre go first. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!' A question to an artificial intelligence computer could be, why did the official find this amusing and let Andre pass? Implicit knowledge is not a computers strong point and with the missing implied data I doubt it could answer.

06-17-2020, 05:59 PM	#2778
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,064	Originally posted by Parallax The English language is a strange one. Asteroids can be seen in both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, well, never mind. That's funny. Originally posted by Parallax The English language is a strange one. Asteroids can be seen from both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, uh, erm, well, never mind. Hey, wait a minute! Do I need to laugh twice?

06-17-2020, 06:31 PM - 1 Like	#2779
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Yes Yes

06-18-2020, 11:46 AM	#2780
Fluegel Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2017 Posts: 469	Extremely efficient.

06-22-2020, 12:53 AM - 2 Likes	#2781
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,318	Not exactly a joke, but a comment caused by lack of understanding. On my way back to Portsmouth one evening, on the Isle of Wight ferry. Beautiful sunset, captured by many on cameras (no mobile phones in those days). Couple near me, lady carrying a Polaroid camera. Her partner asked why she did not take a photo. Pityingly, she held the camera out for him to see and said, 'Look ! It says Polaroid Land Camera !'

06-22-2020, 12:54 AM - 3 Likes	#2782
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,318	Originally posted by Parallax The English language is a strange one. Asteroids can be seen from both hemispheres but hemorrhoids are seen in the, uh, erm, well, never mind. If they develop within a minute, are they Polaroids ?

06-22-2020, 01:19 AM - 1 Like	#2783
jeallen01 Pentaxian Join Date: May 2008 Location: London, UK Posts: 1,697	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan Not exactly a joke, but a comment caused by lack of understanding. On my way back to Portsmouth one evening, on the Isle of Wight ferry. Beautiful sunset, captured by many on cameras (no mobile phones in those days). Couple near me, lady carrying a Polaroid camera. Her partner asked why she did not take a photo. Pityingly, she held the camera out for him to see and said, 'Look ! It says Polaroid Land Camera !' I guess that she'd think that you couldn't use a "waterproof" camera anywhere else than underwater!

06-22-2020, 02:32 AM - 13 Likes	#2784
Jean Poitiers Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Lost in translation ... Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 18,076	Translation: *Perpetual motion & infinite energy ?* 1. Cats always fall on their feet 2. The buttered slice always falls on the butter side 3. Attach buttered slice to the back of a cat 4. The cat pivots continually never touching the ground 5. Attach cat-buttered slice to a generator 6. Perpetual motion ⇒ infinite energy

06-22-2020, 02:34 AM - 6 Likes	#2785
Jean Poitiers Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Lost in translation ... Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 18,076	PS ... notice how the cat is attached to the generator ... meOOOOOOOW !

06-22-2020, 04:03 AM - 4 Likes	#2786
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,064	Originally posted by Jean Poitiers PS ... notice how the cat is attached to the generator ... meOOOOOOOW ! Reminds me of the book by Simon Bond, 101 Uses For A Dead Cat.

06-22-2020, 04:04 AM - 1 Like	#2787
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,402	Originally posted by Jean Poitiers PS ... notice how the cat is attached to the generator ... meOOOOOOOW ! I bet that makes it spin faster!

06-22-2020, 05:25 AM - 1 Like	#2788
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: /Situation : Doing my best to avoid idiots! Photos: Gallery Posts: 9,510	Originally posted by Racer X 69 Reminds me of the book by Simon Bond, 101 Uses For A Dead Cat. Loved that book as a teenager (probably would still!)

06-22-2020, 10:30 AM - 2 Likes	#2789
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,318	Originally posted by Racer X 69 Reminds me of the book by Simon Bond, 101 Uses For A Dead Cat. Hey, I've been to that pub ! It's in the New Forest, near Ringwood, I think.

06-22-2020, 08:01 PM - 5 Likes	#2790
Liney Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 1,237	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan Hey, I've been to that pub ! It's in the New Forest, near Ringwood, I think. It must have been a franchise, I've been to several pubs that used to serve cat "water", normally labelled as Lager....

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