[MarkJerling]

I've posted an Aussie Helpline joke before. Here's another:

You have reached the 'Aussie Help Line.’ My name is Don. How can I help you? "Hi Don, Bruce here. I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep."

"Sorry to hear that Bruce", says Don. "How can we help?"

"Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid by the carport behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

[Parallax]

Ole was driving a wagonload of wheat to town when a wheel was caught in the ditch and overturned. Sven saw it and came out to inspect a little. "Hey, Ole," he called out. "I'll help you turn the wagon back over and fill it up again. But I'm about to eat dinner. Why don't you come and have dinner with me? Then we'll go to work." "Thank you, Sven," Ole answered, "but I don't think Lena would like me to." "Oh, come on!" Sven insisted. "OK," Ole finally agreed, "but Lena won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Ole thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Lena's going to be upset," he said. "Don't worry so much," said Sven. "By the way, where is she?" "Under the wagon," said Ole.

[Parallax]

I feel I should clarify something.
In this part of the country Norwegian jokes are King. Particularly amongst Norwegians. The reason, besides the high Norwegian heritage population is that they are safe. No one has any prejudice or has any reason to have any prejudice against Norwegians.
On rare occasions someone expresses some disdain in general for jokes targeting specific groups. When that occurs we tell Neanderthal jokes instead. Neanderthals have been extinct for thousands and thousands of years so the reference could not possibly offend anyone.
As an example:
"There were two Neanderthals, named Ole and Lena.........................................

[Racer X 69]

Sven and Ole were building a house. Almost done they ran low on lumber.

So Sven said to Ole, "Ole, go to town and get us 10 4x2x8 footers so ve can finish up dis job eh?"

So Ole heads to town, and after a bit returns.

Sven, noticing Ole has no lumber with him, asks, "Ole, vere is da woot?

And Ole says to him, "Vel, dey didn't have no 4x2x10 footers, but dey did haf some 2x4x10 footers."

So Sven tells Ole, "Vel Ole, yu just go back der and yu get us dem 2x4x10's, and ve vil turn dem around, eh?

{Full disclosure, I have been living among the Norwegians, socializing with them, even living with one for the last 23 years. A Norwegian told me this joke about 40 years ago.}

[StiffLegged]

On rare occasions someone expresses some disdain in general for jokes targeting specific groups. When that occurs we tell Neanderthal jokes instead. Neanderthals have been extinct for thousands and thousands of years so the reference could not possibly offend anyone.

You plainly have no readers of the Guardian where you are. (formerly referred to as the Grauniad for frequent typographical errors) They would get offended at beetle jokes. Mind you, they wouldn’t survive without a vegan coffee & tofu shop on every second corner....

[Unregistered User 8]

I've posted an Aussie Helpline joke before. Here's another:

...................................................................


EDIT - And yes Bruce, it can be welded.............

[timb64]

...................................................................


EDIT - And yes Bruce, it can be welded.............

The boat or the wife?

[Unregistered User 8]

The boat or the wife?

The boat, yes, definitely the boat... ..I'm not sure whether a wife CAN be welded.....but I defer to the more adventurous members here to confirm or deny.

[Kevin B123]

EDIT - And yes Bruce, it can be welded.............

Seems like a false economy, to be safe replace both....

[Liney]

An old one which I may have posted before:

A university student if walking down the path beside a canal (yes, it's a British joke) when he sees a man up ahead stumble and fall into the canal. The student immediately runs to the place and dives in, dives under the water and drags the man back to the surface.

The student drags the unconscious bank and manages to get his torso onto the bank, climbs out and starts pressing down on his ribs to get the water out of his lungs. With every press a fountain of water comes out of the mans mouth, so the student continues pressing, and pressing, and pressing.

By this time a small crowd had gathered, and after watching for a minute or two one of the crowd says "I think you need to get him all the way out of the water.." The wet student looks up from his task and replies "I am a second year medical student, if I don't get the water out of his lungs I can't get him breathing again.."

The crowd member looks calmly back and says "true, but I'm a third year engineering student and if you don't get his backside out of the water all you are going to do is drain the canal..."

[MrB1]

On rare occasions someone expresses some disdain in general for jokes targeting specific groups. When that occurs we tell Neanderthal jokes instead. Neanderthals have been extinct for thousands and thousands of years....

Not true, but they keep trying hard to self-destruct. This week they were filmed crowding together on the beaches in England.

[jeallen01]

Not true, but they keep trying hard to self-destruct. This week they were filmed crowding together on the beaches in England.

And in the streets of London, Liverpool and a number of other places in the UK (and the US).

[35mmfilmfan]

Not true, but they keep trying hard to self-destruct. This week they were filmed crowding together on the beaches in England.

Isn't this just Nature's way of improving the Gene Pool ?

[WPRESTO]

And in the streets of London, Liverpool and a number of other places in the UK (and the US).

It's called "Thinning the herd." Time to order up several thousand Darwin awards.

And speaking of people doing foolish, self-destructive, irresponsible things, I just read this news item.

Hand sanitizer contains alcohol, and sometimes people drink it to get a "buzz" (for that reason it is banned from most, possibly all US prisons). Recently recall and warnings have been issued for a batch of hand sanitizer made in Mexico, sold under several names, that was found to contain methanol rather than ethanol, isopropyl or some other alcohol, methanol being very toxic - it can even cause trouble from being absorbed through the skin. But seven people in New Mexico who either did not hear or did not heed the warning ingested some of that methanol-containing hand sanitizer. Three are in critical condition, one is now blind, and three have died.

[SSGGeezer]

It's called "Thinning the herd." Time to order up several thousand Darwin awards.

And speaking of people doing foolish, self-destructive, irresponsible things, I just read this news item.

Hand sanitizer contains alcohol, and sometimes people drink it to get a "buzz" (for that reason it is banned from most, possibly all US prisons). Recently recall and warnings have been issued for a batch of hand sanitizer made in Mexico, sold under several names, that was found to contain methanol rather than ethanol, isopropyl or some other alcohol, methanol being very toxic - it can even cause trouble from being absorbed through the skin. But seven people in New Mexico who either did not hear or did not heed the warning ingested some of that methanol-containing hand sanitizer. Three are in critical condition, one is now blind, and three have died.

That is terrible, I saw the recall notice though.
About the Darwin Award, if you have spawned and have children, you aren't eligible as your genetics live on.