The Joke Thread

bertwert · 07-01-2020, 02:25 PM - **8 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

I need some advice.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she just said "Yes, you're right".
What the heck do I do now?

"No I'm not."

jeallen01 · 07-01-2020, 02:34 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by Parallax

I need some advice.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she just said "Yes, you're right".
What the heck do I do now?

Agree, AGREE - you'll probably never hear that again

**luftfluss** · 07-01-2020, 02:34 PM - **5 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

I need some advice.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she just said "Yes, you're right".
What the heck do I do now?

Originally posted by bertwert

"No I'm not."

Youtu.be

Fluegel · 07-01-2020, 03:14 PM - **1 Like**

Long time ago you made a big mistake.
You married a woman smarter than you are.
Sorry mate, you will have to live with that mistake.

Unregistered User 8 · 07-01-2020, 11:24 PM - **5 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

I need some advice.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she just said "Yes, you're right".
What the heck do I do now?

I would like to help you Jim, but I have NEVER heard those words.................

Parallax · 07-02-2020, 08:17 AM - **11 Likes**

Some advice for all of those in America who are planning to celebrate Independence Day in the traditional way:

Guys with three fingers and an eye patch have the best fireworks.

MarkJerling · 07-02-2020, 03:15 PM - **9 Likes**

One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here."

Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

MarkJerling · 07-02-2020, 03:16 PM - **7 Likes**

The Sunday school teacher said, "Can you tell me who Matthew, Mark, Luke , and John were?"
There was silence in the classroom.

"Can you tell me who Paul was?"
No answer.

Well, then, "the teacher said, becoming impatient, "Surely you should be able to tell me who Peter was?"
A small boy in the back row raised his hand.

"I don't know anything about those other fellows," he said, "but I think Peter was a rabbit."

Parallax · 07-02-2020, 03:35 PM - **11 Likes**

One day, just before Christmas, Lena went to the Post Office to buy some stamps. She told the clerk "I need 12 Christmas stamps"
"Yes Ma'am. What denomination?"
"Denomination???"
"Yes. What denomination would you like?"
"Aw, geeze. So it's come to dat, has it?!" "Okay, let me haf 6 Lutran, 4 Catlics, and 2 Baptist."

robtcorl · 07-05-2020, 08:08 AM - **4 Likes**

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Joan Rivers

SSGGeezer · 07-05-2020, 01:41 PM - **5 Likes**

I asked my lawyer, "Why are Divorces so darned expensive?"

"Because they are worth it!"

Parallax · 07-05-2020, 03:19 PM - **4 Likes**

Lawyers have a reputation that isn't entirely warranted.
After all, it's only 99% of them that give the other 1% an undeservedly bad public perception.

timb64 · 07-05-2020, 03:22 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by SSGGeezer

I asked my lawyer, "Why are Divorces so darned expensive?"

"Because they are worth it!"

Reminds me of the John Cleese quote

“It’s going to be very, very expensive,” Cleese said of his divorce outside Santa Barbara Superior Court, “but it will be worth every penny.”

35mmfilmfan · 07-05-2020, 03:37 PM

The wearing of face masks is supposed to make everybody safer.

I was in the bank the other day behind a couple wearing masks.

Bonnie and Clyde

Parallax · 07-05-2020, 03:46 PM - **8 Likes**

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, "Bark! Bark!" "Ah, must be a dog!" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, "Meow!" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, "Must be cats!" and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!"

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07-01-2020, 02:25 PM - 8 Likes	#2836
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,173 Original Poster	Originally posted by Parallax I need some advice. I'm having an argument with my wife and she just said "Yes, you're right". What the heck do I do now? "No I'm not."

07-01-2020, 02:34 PM - 1 Like	#2837
jeallen01 Pentaxian Join Date: May 2008 Location: London, UK Posts: 1,697	Originally posted by Parallax I need some advice. I'm having an argument with my wife and she just said "Yes, you're right". What the heck do I do now? Agree, AGREE - you'll probably never hear that again

07-01-2020, 03:14 PM - 1 Like	#2839
Fluegel Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2017 Posts: 469	Long time ago you made a big mistake. You married a woman smarter than you are. Sorry mate, you will have to live with that mistake.

07-01-2020, 11:24 PM - 5 Likes	#2840
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	Originally posted by Parallax I need some advice. I'm having an argument with my wife and she just said "Yes, you're right". What the heck do I do now? I would like to help you Jim, but I have NEVER heard those words.................

07-02-2020, 08:17 AM - 11 Likes	#2841
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Some advice for all of those in America who are planning to celebrate Independence Day in the traditional way: Guys with three fingers and an eye patch have the best fireworks.

07-02-2020, 03:15 PM - 9 Likes	#2842
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here." Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

07-02-2020, 03:16 PM - 7 Likes	#2843
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	The Sunday school teacher said, "Can you tell me who Matthew, Mark, Luke , and John were?" There was silence in the classroom. "Can you tell me who Paul was?" No answer. Well, then, "the teacher said, becoming impatient, "Surely you should be able to tell me who Peter was?" A small boy in the back row raised his hand. "I don't know anything about those other fellows," he said, "but I think Peter was a rabbit."

07-02-2020, 03:35 PM - 11 Likes	#2844
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	One day, just before Christmas, Lena went to the Post Office to buy some stamps. She told the clerk "I need 12 Christmas stamps" "Yes Ma'am. What denomination?" "Denomination???" "Yes. What denomination would you like?" "Aw, geeze. So it's come to dat, has it?!" "Okay, let me haf 6 Lutran, 4 Catlics, and 2 Baptist."

07-05-2020, 08:08 AM - 4 Likes	#2845
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers

07-05-2020, 01:41 PM - 5 Likes	#2846
SSGGeezer Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2017 Location: Indiana, U.S. Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,845	I asked my lawyer, "Why are Divorces so darned expensive?" "Because they are worth it!"

07-05-2020, 03:19 PM - 4 Likes	#2847
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Lawyers have a reputation that isn't entirely warranted. After all, it's only 99% of them that give the other 1% an undeservedly bad public perception.

07-05-2020, 03:22 PM - 1 Like	#2848
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: /Situation : Doing my best to avoid idiots! Photos: Gallery Posts: 9,510	Originally posted by SSGGeezer I asked my lawyer, "Why are Divorces so darned expensive?" "Because they are worth it!" Reminds me of the John Cleese quote “It’s going to be very, very expensive,” Cleese said of his divorce outside Santa Barbara Superior Court, “but it will be worth every penny.”

07-05-2020, 03:37 PM	#2849
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	The wearing of face masks is supposed to make everybody safer. I was in the bank the other day behind a couple wearing masks. Bonnie and Clyde

07-05-2020, 03:46 PM - 8 Likes	#2850
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, "Bark! Bark!" "Ah, must be a dog!" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, "Meow!" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, "Must be cats!" and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!"