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08-23-2020, 10:02 AM - 17 Likes   #3001
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.

08-23-2020, 12:24 PM   #3002
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.

You have some interesting elderly men......... and doctors who shoot from the hip in South Dakota.....but then, I'm just assuming that Dr. and the old guy are from South Dakota.

I got to try to remember what they say about assuming.
08-23-2020, 02:31 PM - 1 Like   #3003
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
and doctors who shoot from the hip in South Dakota.....but then, I'm just assuming that Dr. and the old guy are from South Dakota.
I'm not a doctor, but anyone who has read my posts may have noticed that they aren't particularly subtle.
08-23-2020, 04:17 PM - 1 Like   #3004
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
I'm not a doctor, but anyone who has read my posts may have noticed that they aren't particularly subtle.

Geez....I had never noticed.

08-26-2020, 08:57 AM - 4 Likes   #3005
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Met an old mate today, pushing his motorbike and looking dejected.

I asked what the matter was.

'Just got nicked' he said ('nicked' in the UK means arrested).

I asked what his offence had been.

'No audible warning of approach, and a noisy engine' he replied.
08-26-2020, 03:52 PM - 12 Likes   #3006
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When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
08-26-2020, 10:29 PM - 11 Likes   #3007
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A true story...................................so my family tell me.

I was born with bad eyesight, and got my first pair of spectacles at 5 months old.

My uncle had not seen our family since my birth, and paid us a visit.

Uncle Murray - " I didn't realize Peter needed glasses,"

My dad - " Not all the time Murray, just for reading."

08-27-2020, 03:42 AM - 3 Likes   #3008
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Don't touch someone else's boules, or their jack or cosh!

I kid you not - this came in this morning in our local U3A Group monthly Bulletin:

"Petanque Group

For those of you in the Petanque Group who wish to meet once again, please note the following Government/Petanque England guidelines, which must be strictly adhered to:
- 2m social distancing at all times and if not possible 1m + mitigating measures of facemasks.
- No scoreboards to be used. Participants should note their own scores or use personal scoring tools.
- No circles to be used. Participants to mark out circles with their feet or a stick.
- No touching each other's boules.
- No sharing of tape measures.
- All participants must use their own jack/cosh."

The editor is a lady, so she might not have "grasped" certain things
08-27-2020, 03:53 AM - 4 Likes   #3009
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QuoteOriginally posted by jeallen01 Quote
I kid you not - this came in this morning in our local U3A Group monthly Bulletin:

"Petanque Group
<snip>

The editor is a lady, so she might not have "grasped" certain things
If she did, I hope she used anti-bacterial gel !

I tried that on what's left of my hair - the flies still land on it, but at least they leave with clean feet.
08-27-2020, 04:29 AM - 2 Likes   #3010
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
If she did, I hope she used anti-bacterial gel !

I tried that on what's left of my hair - the flies still land on it, but at least they leave with clean feet.
Not what I had in mind! - but very astute nevertheless
08-28-2020, 01:08 AM - 11 Likes   #3011
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I recently bought a cardboard box from Chernobyl..


...it was the cheapest microwave I could find.
08-28-2020, 06:12 AM - 1 Like   #3012
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Playing safe at Balheary
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08-28-2020, 09:12 AM - 1 Like   #3013
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QuoteOriginally posted by Digitalis Quote
I recently bought a cardboard box from Chernobyl..


...it was the cheapest microwave I could find.
Having recently “enjoyed” (if that’s the right word) the Chernobyl TV series I’ve very mixed feelings about it as the subject for a joke.It was a great human tragedy and the real perpetrators were never really made to pay.In a way I think it’s a bit like making a joke about 9/11.Anyone else feel the same?
08-28-2020, 09:20 AM - 3 Likes   #3014
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QuoteOriginally posted by timb64 Quote
Having recently “enjoyed” (if that’s the right word) the Chernobyl TV series I’ve very mixed feelings about it as the subject for a joke.It was a great human tragedy and the real perpetrators were never really made to pay.In a way I think it’s a bit like making a joke about 9/11.Anyone else feel the same?
Not really. Using that logic, there are lots of subjects that would be off limits. Including a couple of world wars, the British Empire etc. This is the joke thread.
08-28-2020, 10:43 AM   #3015
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QuoteOriginally posted by mkgd1 Quote
Not really. Using that logic, there are lots of subjects that would be off limits. Including a couple of world wars, the British Empire etc. This is the joke thread.
I understand that and generally hate the idea of anything being off limits for humour,just expressing an opinion in this instance.To answer my question,what would your take on 9/11 humour be?
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