The Joke Thread

Parallax · 09-12-2020, 03:36 PM - **9 Likes**

Originally posted by Racer X 69

They may say, “I forgive you honey, and I have forgotten everything.”

But.

They keep it in their back pocket.

Forever.

And forever is a very, very, very long time.

Just when you think it is over and done with, boom!

Out it comes.

Just like it was yesterday.

Indeed.
The other thing to keep in mind is that "Go ahead. Do whatever you want" DOES NOT mean what it sounds like.

The closest translation from Wifeish to English would be "Go ahead. I dare you!"

35mmfilmfan · 09-13-2020, 02:43 AM - **4 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

Indeed.
The other thing to keep in mind is that "Go ahead. Do whatever you want" DOES NOT mean what it sounds like.

The closest translation from Wifeish to English would be "Go ahead. I dare you!"

Strange - they forget Rule 7 : 'Never dare an idiot !'

**DAZ** · 09-13-2020, 10:15 AM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

Strange - they forget Rule 7 : 'Never dare an idiot !'

Wouldn't that be "never dare an idiot until you have your camera ready"?

35mmfilmfan · 09-13-2020, 12:30 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by DAZ

Wouldn't that be "never dare an idiot until you have your camera ready"?

Yes - that is Dukinfield's corollary.

lesmore49 · 09-13-2020, 12:49 PM - **7 Likes**

Question:

You're riding a horse, there's a giraffe alongside you and behind you.... there's a lion....what do you do ?

Answer- Get your drunk butt off the carousel !

**DeepThrob** · 09-14-2020, 03:34 PM - **7 Likes**

Truth

lesmore49 · 09-14-2020, 05:19 PM - **7 Likes**

Guy says to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I said: ‘Is that a fret?

lesmore49 · 09-15-2020, 02:34 PM - **6 Likes**

What’s E.T. short for?

He’s only got little legs.

**blumoon722** · 09-16-2020, 04:49 AM - **8 Likes**

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small *****.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”

“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

lesmore49 · 09-17-2020, 03:02 PM - **5 Likes**

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

bxf · 09-17-2020, 03:09 PM - **10 Likes**

MarkJerling · 09-17-2020, 03:21 PM - **18 Likes**

This may be a re-post. Not sure!

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself: "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Eventually, larger and larger - a giant motor yacht. It anchored some distance off shore.

Some time later there strode from the surf a stunning figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out two cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied: "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked: "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: "For the love of God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of clubs in there as well!”

**c.a.m** · 09-17-2020, 03:34 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by MarkJerling

This may be a re-post. Not sure!

New to me. Made my day as I sipped my evening tea!

My wife asked what I was snickering at. LOL.

- Craig

lesmore49 · 09-18-2020, 02:46 PM - **6 Likes**

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

MrB1 · 09-18-2020, 03:45 PM - **6 Likes**

If the Almighty had intended human beings to be vegetarians, He would never have created bacon.

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09-12-2020, 03:36 PM - 9 Likes	#3106
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Originally posted by Racer X 69 They may say, “I forgive you honey, and I have forgotten everything.” But. They keep it in their back pocket. Forever. And forever is a very, very, very long time. Just when you think it is over and done with, boom! Out it comes. Just like it was yesterday. Indeed. The other thing to keep in mind is that "Go ahead. Do whatever you want" DOES NOT mean what it sounds like. The closest translation from Wifeish to English would be "Go ahead. I dare you!"

09-13-2020, 02:43 AM - 4 Likes	#3107
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,322	Originally posted by Parallax Indeed. The other thing to keep in mind is that "Go ahead. Do whatever you want" DOES NOT mean what it sounds like. The closest translation from Wifeish to English would be "Go ahead. I dare you!" Strange - they forget Rule 7 : 'Never dare an idiot !'

09-13-2020, 10:15 AM - 2 Likes	#3108
DAZ Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Everett, WA USA Photos: Gallery Posts: 744	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan Strange - they forget Rule 7 : 'Never dare an idiot !' Wouldn't that be "never dare an idiot until you have your camera ready"?

09-13-2020, 12:30 PM - 2 Likes	#3109
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,322	Originally posted by DAZ Wouldn't that be "never dare an idiot until you have your camera ready"? Yes - that is Dukinfield's corollary.

09-13-2020, 12:49 PM - 7 Likes	#3110
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,337	Question: You're riding a horse, there's a giraffe alongside you and behind you.... there's a lion....what do you do ? Answer- Get your drunk butt off the carousel !

09-14-2020, 05:19 PM - 7 Likes	#3112
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,337	Guy says to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?

09-15-2020, 02:34 PM - 6 Likes	#3113
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,337	What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

09-16-2020, 04:49 AM - 8 Likes	#3114
blumoon722 Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 424	Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small *****. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

09-17-2020, 03:02 PM - 5 Likes	#3115
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,337	A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

09-17-2020, 03:09 PM - 10 Likes	#3116
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660

09-17-2020, 03:21 PM - 18 Likes	#3117
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,402	This may be a re-post. Not sure! One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself: "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Eventually, larger and larger - a giant motor yacht. It anchored some distance off shore. Some time later there strode from the surf a stunning figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out two cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied: "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked: "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: "For the love of God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of clubs in there as well!”

09-17-2020, 03:34 PM - 1 Like	#3118
c.a.m Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Ottawa, Canada Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,188	Originally posted by MarkJerling This may be a re-post. Not sure! New to me. Made my day as I sipped my evening tea! My wife asked what I was snickering at. LOL. - Craig

09-18-2020, 02:46 PM - 6 Likes	#3119
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,337	I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

09-18-2020, 03:45 PM - 6 Likes	#3120
MrB1 Pentaxian Join Date: May 2013 Location: Hertfordshire, England Posts: 845	If the Almighty had intended human beings to be vegetarians, He would never have created bacon.

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