The Joke Thread

**Tonytee** · 09-28-2020, 08:54 PM - **11 Likes**

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to
take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another
farmer who
owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and
split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to
drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first
morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs
into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove
the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the
morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded
them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The
following
morning, MUD again!!!
This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he
couldn't get out bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and
tell me if the
pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them
is honking the horn."

bxf · 09-29-2020, 02:35 AM - **6 Likes**

(I don't necessarily accept the veracity of the first paragraph, but, it is what it is...)

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir,

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,
inor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal
of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,
that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for
the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers my inquiry.

Micheli Watson
E-470 Public Highway Authority
303 537-3747
Fax 303 537-3471
Mwatson@e-470.com

35mmfilmfan · 09-29-2020, 02:48 AM - **3 Likes**

Gerard Hoffnung 1958 :

You Tube

The Dubliners :

You Tube

Did someone say there are no new jokes ?

bertwert · 09-29-2020, 05:19 AM - **4 Likes**

Originally posted by bxf

(I don't necessarily accept the veracity of the first paragraph, but, it is what it is...)

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

Gerard Hoffnung 1958 :

The Bricklayer's Lament - by Gerard Hoffnung - YouTube

The Dubliners :

the dubliners the sick note - YouTube

Did someone say there are no new jokes ?

I was going to say the story sounded familiar... but the song's already posted. However, I do prefer the Corries' version...

Youtu.be

To keep on topic:
What's red and bad for your teeth?
.
.
.
A brick

**WPRESTO** · 09-29-2020, 05:28 AM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by bxf

(I don't necessarily accept the veracity of the first paragraph, but, it is what it is...)

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir,

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,
inor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal
of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,
that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for
the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers my inquiry.

Micheli Watson
E-470 Public Highway Authority
303 537-3747
Fax 303 537-3471
Mwatson@e-470.com

Restaged on an episode of Myth Busters, the hapless "Buster" yanked up then dumped down. It took several tries to make it work, as the barrel did not break when it struck the ground on the first few trials.

robtcorl · 09-29-2020, 07:01 AM - **6 Likes**

Originally posted by bxf

I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building

Reminds me of the definition of a true optimist.
A person who falls out of a 15 story building and as he passes each floor says "I'm doing okay so far!"

**dipo 1** · 09-29-2020, 08:59 AM

Have read this before bertwert like your version the best

**ehrwien** · 09-29-2020, 09:11 AM - **6 Likes**

Originally posted by bertwert

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick

What's white and interferes with your picnic? An avalanche.

35mmfilmfan · 09-29-2020, 12:50 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by WPRESTO

Restaged on an episode of Myth Busters, the hapless "Buster" yanked up then dumped down. It took several tries to make it work, as the barrel did not break when it struck the ground on the first few trials.

De lads obviously did not use a Guinness barrel - dat stuff'll eat thru anyting. I hope dey used a porter to carry it.

35mmfilmfan · 09-29-2020, 12:51 PM - **8 Likes**

Is an ignoramus the only species of dinosaur that never died out ?

Parallax · 09-29-2020, 03:33 PM - **8 Likes**

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

Is an ignoramus the only species of dinosaur that never died out ?

The species is flourishing. There's a very large herd in Washington D.C.

lesmore49 · 09-29-2020, 05:11 PM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

The species is flourishing. There's a very large herd in Washington D.C.

Also in Ottawa.

**WPRESTO** · 09-29-2020, 07:22 PM - **2 Likes**

This is a very old line, almost certainly posted on this thread at least once:

When the 90 year old lady was asked why she had never voted, she replied "It only encourages them."

Liney · 09-29-2020, 07:39 PM

Originally posted by bertwert

I was going to say the story sounded familiar... but the song's already posted. However, I do prefer the Corries' version...

The Corries-The Bricklayer's Song-live-Lyrics - YouTube

To keep on topic:
What's red and bad for your teeth?
.
.
.
A brick

When Roy met Ronnie and they started to sing something truly wonderful came about.

timb64 · 09-29-2020, 08:44 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by WPRESTO

This is a very old line, almost certainly posted on this thread at least once:

When the 90 year old lady was asked why she had never voted, she replied "It only encourages them."

There's a similar old line from Billy Connolly (?), that the very desire to become a politician should exclude you from the role!

09-28-2020, 08:54 PM - 11 Likes	#3166
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 21,461	These two farmers meet one day. A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!!! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

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09-29-2020, 02:35 AM - 6 Likes	#3167
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	(I don't necessarily accept the veracity of the first paragraph, but, it is what it is...) This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.... Dear Sir, "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, inor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers my inquiry. Micheli Watson E-470 Public Highway Authority 303 537-3747 Fax 303 537-3471 Mwatson@e-470.com

09-29-2020, 05:28 AM - 3 Likes	#3170
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,106	Originally posted by bxf (I don't necessarily accept the veracity of the first paragraph, but, it is what it is...) This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.... Dear Sir, "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, inor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers my inquiry. Micheli Watson E-470 Public Highway Authority 303 537-3747 Fax 303 537-3471 Mwatson@e-470.com Restaged on an episode of Myth Busters, the hapless "Buster" yanked up then dumped down. It took several tries to make it work, as the barrel did not break when it struck the ground on the first few trials.

09-29-2020, 07:01 AM - 6 Likes	#3171
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	Originally posted by bxf I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building Reminds me of the definition of a true optimist. A person who falls out of a 15 story building and as he passes each floor says "I'm doing okay so far!"

09-29-2020, 08:59 AM	#3172
dipo 1 Site Supporter Join Date: Feb 2018 Posts: 374	Have read this before bertwert like your version the best

09-29-2020, 09:11 AM - 6 Likes	#3173
ehrwien Site Supporter Join Date: May 2016 Posts: 2,782	Originally posted by bertwert What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick What's white and interferes with your picnic? An avalanche.

09-29-2020, 12:50 PM - 1 Like	#3174
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Originally posted by WPRESTO Restaged on an episode of Myth Busters, the hapless "Buster" yanked up then dumped down. It took several tries to make it work, as the barrel did not break when it struck the ground on the first few trials. De lads obviously did not use a Guinness barrel - dat stuff'll eat thru anyting. I hope dey used a porter to carry it.

09-29-2020, 12:51 PM - 8 Likes	#3175
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Is an ignoramus the only species of dinosaur that never died out ?

09-29-2020, 03:33 PM - 8 Likes	#3176
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan Is an ignoramus the only species of dinosaur that never died out ? The species is flourishing. There's a very large herd in Washington D.C.

09-29-2020, 05:11 PM - 3 Likes	#3177
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,342	Originally posted by Parallax The species is flourishing. There's a very large herd in Washington D.C. Also in Ottawa.

09-29-2020, 07:22 PM - 2 Likes	#3178
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,106	This is a very old line, almost certainly posted on this thread at least once: When the 90 year old lady was asked why she had never voted, she replied "It only encourages them."

09-29-2020, 07:39 PM	#3179
Liney Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 1,237	Originally posted by bertwert I was going to say the story sounded familiar... but the song's already posted. However, I do prefer the Corries' version... The Corries-The Bricklayer's Song-live-Lyrics - YouTube To keep on topic: What's red and bad for your teeth? . . . A brick When Roy met Ronnie and they started to sing something truly wonderful came about.

09-29-2020, 08:44 PM - 2 Likes	#3180
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: /Situation : Doing my best to avoid idiots! Photos: Gallery Posts: 9,510	Originally posted by WPRESTO This is a very old line, almost certainly posted on this thread at least once: When the 90 year old lady was asked why she had never voted, she replied "It only encourages them." There's a similar old line from Billy Connolly (?), that the very desire to become a politician should exclude you from the role!