[bxf]

A lawyer exiting his fancy car, opened the door without looking, and had another car smash into his door, and his arm, a part of which went flying off somewhere.

The lawyer gets out and starts screaming at the other driver, complaining about his now damaged vehicle. The other driver is incredulous and says "you are so materialistic, worrying about your fancy car, you don't even notice that your arm is gone".

The lawyer looks at his half-arm and exclaims "my Rolex! Where is my Rolex!"

[blumoon722]

53469180_363150020939678_4495167850654203904_n ]53469180_363150020939678_4495167850654203904_n by , [/URL]

[Kunzite]

- John! Hey, John! After so many nights spent together, what are we?
- Night guards, you idiot!

[Racer X 69]

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.


After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you.”

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

[Craigbob]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[ehrwien]

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

[ehrwien]

My least favorite color is purple.
I hate it more than red and blue combined.

[bxf]

Two -pick your favourite ethnic target- guys are walking along and find a mirror on the road.

One of them picks up the mirror and says "I know this face, but I can't put a name on it".

The other one takes the mirror, looks at it and says "you fool, it's me!"

[robtcorl]

[ehrwien]

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it
No worry of an arborist, not a single person near it
Then I must say, I will get paid; I might even profess
That my illegal logging trade, is an absolute success

[ehrwien]

I don't trust elevators, I take steps to avoid them.

But then again, I don't trust stairs either. They're always up to something...

[clackers]

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?".

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man",says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?".

"Yessir, for as long as I can remember".

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?".

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob".

The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out".

[Craigbob]

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, FL, exactly the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:
"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."
The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
"Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again:
"Take another practice swing."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited.
A long silence followed.
Then the voice again:
"Use the old ball..."

[slartibartfast01]

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?".

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man",says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?".

"Yessir, for as long as I can remember".

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?".

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob".

The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out".

Pretty sure I heard Billy Connolly tell that one in the 1970s

[35mmfilmfan]

Pretty sure I heard Billy Connolly tell that one in the 1970s

I first heard it in a routine on the eponymous first LP by the comedy / music group 'Grimms' - successors to The Scaffold and The Liverpool Scene