The Joke Thread

robtcorl · 11-24-2020, 07:13 AM - **12 Likes**

The CEO of Pepsi was fired yesterday.

He tested positive for Coke.

**Craigbob** · 11-24-2020, 12:16 PM - **9 Likes**

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your ***** to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....

lesmore49 · 11-24-2020, 01:27 PM - **7 Likes**

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

bxf · 11-24-2020, 01:47 PM - **11 Likes**

Maybe not so thankful...

Attached Images

**rod_grant** · 11-24-2020, 10:28 PM - **8 Likes**

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or
brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it
didn't work out and they brought you back."

**Digitalis** · 11-24-2020, 11:40 PM - **4 Likes**

DPR recently reported "MonsterAdapter's new LA-KE1 adapter brings autofocus, aperture control to Pentax K-mount lenses on Sony E-mount cameras"

I was reading the DPR comments section* on the article when I saw this wonderfully backhanded comment:

I usually revel in the art on the witty reply, but in this case: I've got nothing.

* normally, it is not recommended to read the comments section of online fora for the simple reason that it may inspire homicidal/depressive thoughts.

normhead · 11-25-2020, 08:01 AM - **6 Likes**

Originally posted by rod_grant

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or
brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it
didn't work out and they brought you back."

Rodney Dangerfield " When I was young my parents moved many times, but I always found them again."

bxf · 11-25-2020, 11:01 AM - **9 Likes**

The extent of spread of Covid-19 depends on two factors:

1. How dense the populations is.

2. How dense the populations is.

lesmore49 · 11-25-2020, 12:17 PM - **5 Likes**

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

**rod_grant** · 11-25-2020, 08:59 PM - **12 Likes**

The local bar is so sure that its bar tender is the strongest man around
that they offer a standing $1,000 bet. The bar tender squeezes a lemon
until all the juice runs into a glass, and hands the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who can squeeze one more drop of juice out of it wins the
money. Over time many people have tried, but nobody has succeeded.
One day a scrawny little man comes in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester, and says in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter has dies down, the bar tender says OK, grabs a
lemon, and squeezes away. He then hands the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turns to total silence as the man clenches his
fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the glass.
As the crowd cheers, the bar tender pays the $1,000 and asks the little
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a logger, a weight-lifter, or
what?"
The man replies, "I work for the tax office."

Liney · 11-26-2020, 01:30 AM - **5 Likes**

Why do sharks never attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.....

**WPRESTO** · 11-26-2020, 05:38 AM - **8 Likes**

Where is everyone today? My family? My in-laws? My friends? I go into hiding for a few weeks, and they all abandon me. Maybe they're social distancing.

robtcorl · 11-26-2020, 06:14 AM - **8 Likes**

My dog ate a string of Christmas lights.
The vet was able to remove them.
He said my dog was delighted.

lesmore49 · 11-26-2020, 07:05 AM - **3 Likes**

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

lesmore49 · 11-26-2020, 03:01 PM - **1 Like**

I canceled my newspaper subscription, because I didn’t need their issues.

11-24-2020, 11:40 PM - 4 Likes	#3366
Digitalis Site Supporter Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Melbourne, Victoria Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,694	DPR recently reported "MonsterAdapter's new LA-KE1 adapter brings autofocus, aperture control to Pentax K-mount lenses on Sony E-mount cameras" I was reading the DPR comments section* on the article when I saw this wonderfully backhanded comment: I usually revel in the art on the witty reply, but in this case: I've got nothing. * normally, it is not recommended to read the comments section of online fora for the simple reason that it may inspire homicidal/depressive thoughts. Last edited by Digitalis; 11-24-2020 at 11:46 PM.

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11-24-2020, 07:13 AM - 12 Likes	#3361
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	The CEO of Pepsi was fired yesterday. He tested positive for Coke.

11-24-2020, 12:16 PM - 9 Likes	#3362
Craigbob Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Mar 2017 Location: San Antonio, TX Photos: Albums Posts: 521	An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your ***** to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....

11-24-2020, 01:27 PM - 7 Likes	#3363
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,344	Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

11-24-2020, 01:47 PM - 11 Likes	#3364
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Maybe not so thankful... Attached Images

11-24-2020, 10:28 PM - 8 Likes	#3365
rod_grant Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Wangaratta, Victoria Photos: Gallery Posts: 6,951	After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

11-25-2020, 08:01 AM - 6 Likes	#3367
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 40,451	Originally posted by rod_grant After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back." Rodney Dangerfield " When I was young my parents moved many times, but I always found them again."

11-25-2020, 11:01 AM - 9 Likes	#3368
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	The extent of spread of Covid-19 depends on two factors: 1. How dense the populations is. 2. How dense the populations is.

11-25-2020, 12:17 PM - 5 Likes	#3369
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,344	Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.

11-25-2020, 08:59 PM - 12 Likes	#3370
rod_grant Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Wangaratta, Victoria Photos: Gallery Posts: 6,951	The local bar is so sure that its bar tender is the strongest man around that they offer a standing $1,000 bet. The bar tender squeezes a lemon until all the juice runs into a glass, and hands the lemon to a patron. Anyone who can squeeze one more drop of juice out of it wins the money. Over time many people have tried, but nobody has succeeded. One day a scrawny little man comes in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester, and says in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter has dies down, the bar tender says OK, grabs a lemon, and squeezes away. He then hands the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turns to total silence as the man clenches his fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the glass. As the crowd cheers, the bar tender pays the $1,000 and asks the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a logger, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replies, "I work for the tax office."

11-26-2020, 01:30 AM - 5 Likes	#3371
Liney Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 1,237	Why do sharks never attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.....

11-26-2020, 06:14 AM - 8 Likes	#3373
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	My dog ate a string of Christmas lights. The vet was able to remove them. He said my dog was delighted.

11-26-2020, 07:05 AM - 3 Likes	#3374
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,344	What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

11-26-2020, 03:01 PM - 1 Like	#3375
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,344	I canceled my newspaper subscription, because I didn’t need their issues.