[SimonC]

Someone stole my antidepressants.

Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy

[Kunzite]

"Dear", the wife said as her husband was preparing to go fishing, "if the trout is too expensive, try catching some mackerel".

[robtcorl]

"Dear", the wife said as her husband was preparing to go fishing, "if the trout is too expensive, try catching some mackerel".

When he got home from the fishing trip he asked her "Where did you pack my underwear?"
She said "In your tackle box."

[robtcorl]

[SimonC]

I really hate Russian dolls...

...they’re so full of themselves

[robtcorl]

A young boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends. A day after the procedure he returned to school. During class, he felt under the weather and asked for permission to go to the nurse.
When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother.
Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy.
Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his ***** was sticking out of his pants.
"Where are you going?" she asked. "Back to class," said the boy.
"But you can't go back like that!" explained the nurse.
"I have to," stressed the boy.
"My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up."

[35mmfilmfan]

Lady Mondegreen was in conversation with her butler, James.

'James,' she said, in a low, husky voice, 'Please undo the zip on my dress.'

James did so.

'Now,' she said, 'Please gently remove my dress, and place it on that chair.'

James did as he was bid.

She looked at him, and said, 'Please unclasp my bra.'

Breathing heavily, James followed her instruction, his legs shaking.

Again, her eyes met his as she said, almost in a whisper, 'James - please remove my panties.'

James bent, and removed the final garment.

'Thank you,' she said.











'And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you are fired!'

[disconnekt]

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Why did the man throw out a stick of butter out of the window?
Because he wanted to see a butterfly

[robtcorl]

Husband:
Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen,
Wife:
I'm coming with the broom.
Husband:
It's not urgent, you can come on foot.

[bxf]

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers.


I know, I Know... snot funny!

[35mmfilmfan]

Once saw a man trapped on a roof.


Apparently, someone took steps to keep him there.

[Parallax]

I was in a bar one evening and the waitress yelled "does anyone know CPR?"
I raised my hand and said "I know the whole alphabet!"
We all had good laugh. Well, except for one guy who was just lying on the floor.

[cartesio]

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

U.C.L.A....

[bxf]

[SimonC]

I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.