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02-14-2021, 02:58 PM - 6 Likes   #3721
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David Letterman: I'm not as dumb as I look.

Tina Fey: How could you be?

02-14-2021, 03:43 PM   #3722
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QuoteOriginally posted by SimonC Quote
I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.
You missed out the last quotation mark, i.e, the '
02-15-2021, 05:47 PM - 5 Likes   #3723
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What do you call a dinosaur with a long nose ?
Tyranno de Bergerac
02-17-2021, 04:05 PM - 3 Likes   #3724
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If you've ever said "I'll do that when hell freezes over", you're scheduled to do that tomorrow.

02-18-2021, 07:28 AM - 3 Likes   #3725
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My face is on the ugly side
But I don't really mind it -
It's you poor beggars gets the shock

I'm safe here behind it.
02-18-2021, 06:36 PM - 11 Likes   #3726
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Apologies if this has been posted before.

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found superhuman strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment-building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest...”
02-19-2021, 04:38 AM - 11 Likes   #3727
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An image from Mars ... via FB

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02-19-2021, 08:38 AM - 3 Likes   #3728
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French humor ... the tool is a "truelle" ... so we end up with "Highway Tru Elle" ...
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02-19-2021, 12:56 PM - 5 Likes   #3729
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There are three kinds of people... those who can count and those who can’t

Last edited by SimonC; 02-19-2021 at 12:57 PM. Reason: Tpyo!
02-20-2021, 12:29 PM - 5 Likes   #3730
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Exit signs?

They’re on the way out!
02-21-2021, 01:45 PM - 8 Likes   #3731
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More images from Mars ...
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02-21-2021, 02:33 PM - 8 Likes   #3732
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02-22-2021, 07:06 AM   #3733
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A woman with a little boy at the ATM: - Son, now we will have money and we will go to the store ... She inserts the card into the ATM and receives the money. Boy: - Mom, what's dad sitting there?
02-22-2021, 03:20 PM   #3734
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Huh???? I must be missing something.
02-22-2021, 03:25 PM - 2 Likes   #3735
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QuoteOriginally posted by Martin Stu Quote
A woman with a little boy at the ATM: - Son, now we will have money and we will go to the store ... She inserts the card into the ATM and receives the money. Boy: - Mom, what's dad sitting there?
QuoteOriginally posted by blumoon722 Quote
Huh???? I must be missing something.
My guess is the punchline should have been, Why is dad sitting in there?
The kid has only seen mom getting money from dad.
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