The Joke Thread

35mmfilmfan · 05-15-2021, 12:07 AM - **5 Likes**

I am neither conceited nor right -

I just wonder why so many people are not only content to be wrong, but don't try to hide the fact.

Then again, there is a theory that, although the numbers of the human race are increasing, the total intelligence pool remains a constant.

Parallax · 05-15-2021, 05:59 AM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by BigDave

For those members from the USA, If Pro is the opposite of Con, then what is the opposite of Progress? Please respond with your answer.

Congress.

**Photos-by-Chas** · 05-15-2021, 06:34 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by timb64

I think you're overanalysing,it's a throwaway one line joke!

Apologies, I wasn't trying to analyze, just clarifying in my mind. And I understand it is a one liner.

Martin Stu · 05-15-2021, 07:09 AM - **4 Likes**

I go to the dentist, they put painkillers, so that it is not so painful to part with the money.

35mmfilmfan · 05-15-2021, 01:35 PM - **6 Likes**

I went to a dentist once who described himself as 'The Painless Dentist'.

Lying beggar.

Screamed like hell when i bit him.

35mmfilmfan · 05-15-2021, 01:36 PM - **3 Likes**

Apparently Cleopatra was bitten in the bosom.

Fangs for the mammary.

**WPRESTO** · 05-16-2021, 04:31 AM - **3 Likes**

Dentists are a sad lot. Always looking down in the mouth. (the antiquity of this line makes me look like a toddler)

robtcorl · 05-18-2021, 02:21 PM - **9 Likes**

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Michael Piziak · 05-19-2021, 06:32 PM - **7 Likes**

Probably told here before, but here's an old Irish joke:

What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?

Answer: There is one less drunk at the funeral!

---------- Post added 05-19-21 at 06:38 PM ----------

Another oldie but goody !

Man walks into his bedroom, with a sheep under his arm, and exclaims , "This is who I've been sleeping with since you won't sleep with me!"

The wife, who was laying in bed reading a book, replies, "That's a sheep!"

The man says, "I was talking to the darn sheep!"

---------- Post added 05-19-21 at 06:45 PM ----------

Originally posted by BigDave

A minister is giving a sermon on Love Thy Neighbor and the joy of not having any enemies and in the course of the dissertation asks "Can anyone here honestly say they have no enemies"? Old Mrs. Jackson raises her hand and the minister says, "Mrs. Jackson, that is wonderful, please come down here". Mrs. Jackson, being about 92, slowly makes her way down to the front and when she gets there, the minister asks her, "Please, tell all of us, how is it you have no enemies", to which Mrs. Jackson replies, "I out lived the S O Bs"!

Good one!

disconnekt · 05-19-2021, 07:16 PM - **1 Like**

I advise against having a bear tag along while having a picnic, they're very un-bear-able when they're hungry.

**clackers** · 05-20-2021, 06:46 PM - **10 Likes**

Every Saturday morning, Colin has gotten up early, quietly dresses so as not to wake his wife, picked up his golf bag and slipped quietly into the garage.

This Saturday after loading his car he backed out into a torrential downpour. The gale was blowing so hard he drove back into the garage and checked the weather on his phone. The forecast was the same all day, so he texted his mates and said he wouldn't be playing.

He tiptoed back into the bedroom, undressed, and slipped back into bed. Colin nuzzled into his wife's inviting back, whispering, 'The weather's dreadful.'

His wife of ten years replied, 'Imagine, my idiot of a husband is playing golf in that.'

Liney · 05-20-2021, 09:43 PM - **2 Likes**

Bloke goers into his doctors and explains that he (the bloke) had been talking to his wife about the pain of childbirth. His wife was convinved that childbirth was the most unbearable pain ever, and the bloke had disagreed with her.

The doctor asks "So what have you come to me for"?

The bloke says "Well, is there any way you can let me experience the pain of childbirth"?

The doctor thinks for a moment ands then replies that he thinks there is a way, but it would require a small operation. The bloke agrees without asking exactly what that may be so they arrange to do it at the local hospital.

As the bloke was coming round after the operation, the doctor appears at his side and hands him a prescription. The bloke read it and finds out the prescription is for a vindaloo curry twice a day for a week. He looks puzzled and asks the doctor how this will let him experience the pain of childbirth?

The doctor smiles and turns away, saying "You've just had your arsehole sewn up...."

**WPRESTO** · 05-21-2021, 05:09 AM

In connection with the previous post. When anticipating our firstborn in 1970, in NYC, we took a Lamaze course from one of the women credited with introducing the method to the USA. It was still not widely accepted, even in NYC which should have been on the forefront of medical advances. Not only was the delivery done in a full surgical room with multiple people on hand in case of emergency, but I was obligated to scrub and wear what was then full protective covering (booties over my shoes, gown, mask and a cap over my head) and they did not commit to letting me into the delivery room until about 10 minutes before M went in, allowing me just enough time to scrub and put on the gear.

IN ANY CASE, when we were taking the Lamaze training, someone asked about the discomfort/pain of childbirth and without a blink the instructor said "It's like trying to defecate a watermelon."

I'll bet no one reading this will ever forget that line.

robtcorl · 05-21-2021, 07:43 AM - **7 Likes**

So should children witness childbirth or not?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his ass again."

35mmfilmfan · 05-21-2021, 08:22 AM

Originally posted by WPRESTO

IN ANY CASE, when we were taking the Lamaze training, someone asked about the discomfort/pain of childbirth and without a blink the instructor said "It's like trying to defecate a watermelon."

In the days when I suffered not only from employment but also a female shift manager with NSOH, I was fortunate enough one day to be able to relieve the cause of some recent digestive discomfort.

Speaking to a friend on the same shift, I remarked 'I feel as if I've just given birth to a pineapple'. Despite the fact that the remark was not intended for her, she overheard, and reported me to her immediate superior.

05-19-2021, 06:32 PM - 7 Likes	#3939
Michael Piziak Closed Account Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: West Virginia Posts: 2,815	Probably told here before, but here's an old Irish joke: What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral? Answer: There is one less drunk at the funeral! ---------- Post added 05-19-21 at 06:38 PM ---------- Another oldie but goody ! Man walks into his bedroom, with a sheep under his arm, and exclaims , "This is who I've been sleeping with since you won't sleep with me!" The wife, who was laying in bed reading a book, replies, "That's a sheep!" The man says, "I was talking to the darn sheep!" ---------- Post added 05-19-21 at 06:45 PM ---------- Originally posted by BigDave A minister is giving a sermon on Love Thy Neighbor and the joy of not having any enemies and in the course of the dissertation asks "Can anyone here honestly say they have no enemies"? Old Mrs. Jackson raises her hand and the minister says, "Mrs. Jackson, that is wonderful, please come down here". Mrs. Jackson, being about 92, slowly makes her way down to the front and when she gets there, the minister asks her, "Please, tell all of us, how is it you have no enemies", to which Mrs. Jackson replies, "I out lived the S O Bs"! Good one! Last edited by Michael Piziak; 05-19-2021 at 06:43 PM.

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05-15-2021, 12:07 AM - 5 Likes	#3931
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	I am neither conceited nor right - I just wonder why so many people are not only content to be wrong, but don't try to hide the fact. Then again, there is a theory that, although the numbers of the human race are increasing, the total intelligence pool remains a constant.

05-15-2021, 05:59 AM - 3 Likes	#3932
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Originally posted by BigDave For those members from the USA, If Pro is the opposite of Con, then what is the opposite of Progress? Please respond with your answer. Congress.

05-15-2021, 06:34 AM - 1 Like	#3933
Photos-by-Chas Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Northwest Pennsylvania, USA Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,318	Originally posted by timb64 I think you're overanalysing,it's a throwaway one line joke! Apologies, I wasn't trying to analyze, just clarifying in my mind. And I understand it is a one liner.

05-15-2021, 07:09 AM - 4 Likes	#3934
Martin Stu Pentaxian Join Date: Jan 2019 Posts: 1,115	I go to the dentist, they put painkillers, so that it is not so painful to part with the money.

05-15-2021, 01:35 PM - 6 Likes	#3935
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	I went to a dentist once who described himself as 'The Painless Dentist'. Lying beggar. Screamed like hell when i bit him.

05-15-2021, 01:36 PM - 3 Likes	#3936
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Apparently Cleopatra was bitten in the bosom. Fangs for the mammary.

05-16-2021, 04:31 AM - 3 Likes	#3937
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,106	Dentists are a sad lot. Always looking down in the mouth. (the antiquity of this line makes me look like a toddler)

05-18-2021, 02:21 PM - 9 Likes	#3938
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

05-19-2021, 07:16 PM - 1 Like	#3940
disconnekt Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: SoCal/I.E. Photos: Albums Posts: 1,699	I advise against having a bear tag along while having a picnic, they're very un-bear-able when they're hungry.

05-20-2021, 06:46 PM - 10 Likes	#3941
clackers Otis Memorial Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Melbourne Photos: Albums Posts: 16,397	Every Saturday morning, Colin has gotten up early, quietly dresses so as not to wake his wife, picked up his golf bag and slipped quietly into the garage. This Saturday after loading his car he backed out into a torrential downpour. The gale was blowing so hard he drove back into the garage and checked the weather on his phone. The forecast was the same all day, so he texted his mates and said he wouldn't be playing. He tiptoed back into the bedroom, undressed, and slipped back into bed. Colin nuzzled into his wife's inviting back, whispering, 'The weather's dreadful.' His wife of ten years replied, 'Imagine, my idiot of a husband is playing golf in that.'

05-20-2021, 09:43 PM - 2 Likes	#3942
Liney Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 1,237	Bloke goers into his doctors and explains that he (the bloke) had been talking to his wife about the pain of childbirth. His wife was convinved that childbirth was the most unbearable pain ever, and the bloke had disagreed with her. The doctor asks "So what have you come to me for"? The bloke says "Well, is there any way you can let me experience the pain of childbirth"? The doctor thinks for a moment ands then replies that he thinks there is a way, but it would require a small operation. The bloke agrees without asking exactly what that may be so they arrange to do it at the local hospital. As the bloke was coming round after the operation, the doctor appears at his side and hands him a prescription. The bloke read it and finds out the prescription is for a vindaloo curry twice a day for a week. He looks puzzled and asks the doctor how this will let him experience the pain of childbirth? The doctor smiles and turns away, saying "You've just had your arsehole sewn up...."

05-21-2021, 05:09 AM	#3943
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,106	In connection with the previous post. When anticipating our firstborn in 1970, in NYC, we took a Lamaze course from one of the women credited with introducing the method to the USA. It was still not widely accepted, even in NYC which should have been on the forefront of medical advances. Not only was the delivery done in a full surgical room with multiple people on hand in case of emergency, but I was obligated to scrub and wear what was then full protective covering (booties over my shoes, gown, mask and a cap over my head) and they did not commit to letting me into the delivery room until about 10 minutes before M went in, allowing me just enough time to scrub and put on the gear. IN ANY CASE, when we were taking the Lamaze training, someone asked about the discomfort/pain of childbirth and without a blink the instructor said "It's like trying to defecate a watermelon." I'll bet no one reading this will ever forget that line.

05-21-2021, 07:43 AM - 7 Likes	#3944
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	So should children witness childbirth or not? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his ass again."

05-21-2021, 08:22 AM	#3945
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Originally posted by WPRESTO IN ANY CASE, when we were taking the Lamaze training, someone asked about the discomfort/pain of childbirth and without a blink the instructor said "It's like trying to defecate a watermelon." In the days when I suffered not only from employment but also a female shift manager with NSOH, I was fortunate enough one day to be able to relieve the cause of some recent digestive discomfort. Speaking to a friend on the same shift, I remarked 'I feel as if I've just given birth to a pineapple'. Despite the fact that the remark was not intended for her, she overheard, and reported me to her immediate superior.