[StiffLegged]

In the days when I suffered not only from employment but also a female shift manager with NSOH, I was fortunate enough one day to be able to relieve the cause of some recent digestive discomfort.

Speaking to a friend on the same shift, I remarked 'I feel as if I've just given birth to a pineapple'. Despite the fact that the remark was not intended for her, she overheard, and reported me to her immediate superior.

Why do I think the superior wouldn’t tell the manager to see sense and forget it? The utterly joyless, ultra-serious, tip-toe-round-the-possible-offending mentality has killed job satisfaction for many in the public service. Whereas one of the fun aspects in construction used to be the banter and cracks: a lot of that has gone too.

[Photos-by-Chas]

Regarding the sensation (or pain, if you insist) of childbirth, in my training to become a PA, it was explained thus. Using your thumb and forefinger of each hand, firmly grip your lower lip near the center of it and pull outward and to the sides until you feel tension and discomfort. When you have that sensation, hold it for a few seconds then imagine pulling your lower lip up and over the back of your head.

[MarkJerling]

All of this talk about the pain of childbirth.

It's a well known fact that a man experiencing the common cold is in far more pain and discomfort than a woman giving birth. And it's easy to prove:

Ask a man if he'd like to have a cold again, about a year or two after he's had a cold.
Ask a women if she'd like another baby about a year or two after childbirth.

[StiffLegged]

All of this talk about the pain of childbirth.

It's a well known fact that a man experiencing the common cold is in far more pain and discomfort than a woman giving birth. And it's easy to prove:

Ask a man if he'd like to have a cold again, about a year or two after he's had a cold.
Ask a women if she'd like another baby about a year or two after childbirth.

You know Annie’s going to bludgeon you with a firebrick if she sees this? LOL

[35mmfilmfan]

Adhering (slightly) to the topic, a lady in her eighth month went to see her doctor. During the course of the conversation, she enquired 'What position will I have to be in when the happy event occurs ?' The doctor said ' A similar position to when the child was conceived.'

'What ?!!?' she shrieked. 'Driving round Hyde Park for two hours with my feet sticking out of the taxi windows ??'


Do you know why the baby is handed to the mother as soon as is possible afterwards ? So she cannot find anything with which to hit the father.

[MarkJerling]

You know Annie’s going to bludgeon you with a firebrick if she sees this? LOL

I'm hiding the cast iron skillet now!

[35mmfilmfan]

I'm hiding the cast iron skillet now!

Make sure it doesn't get thrown at you - it'll become a flying pan.

[timb64]

Make sure it doesn't get thrown at you - it'll become a flying pan.

Badoing!!

[WPRESTO]

Oh to be a test-tube baby and have a womb with a view. (I cannot believe this line wasn't already posted on this thread)

[robtcorl]

Never buy flowers from a monk.

Only you can prevent florist friars.

[luftfluss]

[Martin Stu]

A married couple at a psychologist:
- Do you think that your wife does not give you the floor to speak?
- No, he doesn't think so!

[Racer X 69]

Ask a woman if she'd like another baby about a year or two after childbirth.

Then there are those women who squirt out babies like a Gatling gun for ten, even fifteen years.

Uf da!

[robtcorl]

[bxf]

Some of the following are repeats, but five years is a long time here, and we have some new members, so...


Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting. He's looking
for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns
towards heaven and says, "G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise
that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."

- - - - - - -

Two mathematicians sit at an outdoor cafe. As they sip their drinks, they notice a person enter the house across the way. A few minutes later, they notice two people leave the house across the way.

After a moment, one mathematician turns to the other and says: "Now if someone else enters the house, it'll be empty again."

- - - - - - -

What does Saddam and General Custer have in common?
Both were wondering where the hell all those Tomahawks came from...

- - - - - - -

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

- - - - - - -

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick"s Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy". Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Oh #£$%" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "#£$%!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm really' @*&%ed", he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No @*&%in' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "@*&% it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was @*&%in' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"