[bxf]

Talking Clock
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-
shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it
off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

- - - - - - - - - -

Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool guy. (Gee)

2. No, I don't want another beer. I have work tomorrow, Honey.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy!

4. Her breasts are just too large.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.

7. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
hold your purse for you!

9. Forget "Monday Night Football." Let's watch Melrose Place.

10. I think we are lost. We better pull over and ask for directions.

11. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.

12. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. Go on ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

18. My butt's too big. Don't lie. It's true. I know my butt's too big.

19. It's okay, I'll sleep in the wet spot.

20. {snip}

21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.{snip}

22. Your mother's coming to stay with us again? Great!

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at
them anymore since I met you.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we're late for church.

29. {snip}

30. Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really heavy women.

31. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

[Liney]

31. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

......I thought you were sitting on the cat!

That's me banned!

[robtcorl]

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

[robtcorl]

Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it.
So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:
"I spit in your beer too!"

[WPRESTO]

A recipe to remember: The best way to prepare cauliflower is to stuff it in the trash while ordering pizza.

[Michael Piziak]

[35mmfilmfan]

A recipe to remember: The best way to prepare cauliflower is to stuff it in the trash while ordering pizza.

Not to mention cucumbers :

The Samuel Johnson Sound Bite Page: Quotes on Cucumbers

[Liney]

A recipe to remember: The best way to prepare cauliflower is to stuff it in the trash while ordering pizza.

Top tip, if you add a splash of sesame oil to the brussel sprouts when you fry them, it makes it easier to just slide the whole lot into the kitchen waste

[WPRESTO]

Top tip, if you add a splash of sesame oil to the brussel sprouts when you fry them, it makes it easier to just slide the whole lot into the kitchen waste

On the odoriferous sprout: we find they are more palatable when roasted after coating with a bit of oil, salt & pepper, but do not expect a miracle. I've heard that there are limits to what can be made starting with a sow's ear.

[StiffLegged]

On the odoriferous sprout: we find they are more palatable when roasted after coating with a bit of oil, salt & pepper, but do not expect a miracle. I've heard that there are limits to what can be made starting with a sow's ear.

If that’s where you find your Brussels sprouts, may I gently suggest they are not as advertised. Indeed, trading standards for product labelling are not so much being stretched as torn asunder.

[MarkJerling]

Brussels sprouts do fly beautifully off the end of a spoon, used as a catapult. The kids loved it although my wife was somewhat unimpressed.

[35mmfilmfan]

Hey, guys - I like Brussels Sprouts. Can't stand Broccoli, though.

Now for the joke - what do you call a hooker's child ?




A Brothel Sprout.

I'm here all week.

[chessov]

The four stage strategy, from "Yes Prime Minister", and more or less what the UK government did in early 2020:

In Stage 1 we say: "Nothing is going to happen"
In Stage 2 we say: "Something may happen but we should do nothing about it"
In Stage 3 we say: "Maybe we should do something about it but there is nothing we can do."
In Stage 4 we say: "Maybe there was something we could have done but it's too late now"

[Michael Piziak]

[carabez]

My two hobbies are smoking marijuana and buying vintage lenses on flea market.