[normhead]

So - you finally got some peace and quiet?

You're walking on thin ice there Mister.

[Parallax]

I accidently handed my wife glue stick instead of her ChapStick.
She's still not talking to me.

It would take more than that to, uh, nevermind.......................

[clackers]

"For homework a teacher told her class of 12 year olds to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories.

Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

'Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral of this story is, `Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Cheryl. Aunty Cheryl was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was three bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke . Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," exclaimed the teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay right away from Aunty Cheryl when she's been on the booze!"

[MarkJerling]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the rubbish haircut?"

[cartesio]

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
......
He said, "Where'd you get the rubbish haircut?"

That reminded me of a joke about ALITALIA, a formerly excellent company destroyed by a .... management.


"Do you know what ALITALIA means? Always Late In Take-off, Always Late In Arrival."

[StiffLegged]

There was also the slightly altered British Airways slogan from the Concorde days -

“Breakfast in London, lunch in New York.

Baggage in Bermuda.”

[35mmfilmfan]

This might get through ..

Talking of travel company slogans, British Rail had one which said 'Let the train take the strain'.






However, only 20% of the trains had 'restroom facilities' ....

[35mmfilmfan]

When my ex-boss had a boyfriend with (far) more money than sense, he took her on a 'safari' to Africa (she never knew which part). Before she went, I warned her to beware of the vampire antelope. 'What's that?" she asked.






Vlad The Impala.





She was also disappointed to discover that a 12" Dik-dik was only another kind of antelope.



When our entire department was made redundant, we were discussing future employment prospects, and I suggested she might enjoy working in a Pet Shop. When she asked why, I explained that she would be able to spend her time playing with a Cockatoo.

[timb64]

This has probably been posted before:

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a foot tall man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?" The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish." "Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish." The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

[lesmore49]

When my ex-boss had a boyfriend with (far) more money than sense, he took her on a 'safari' to Africa (she never knew which part). Before she went, I warned her to beware of the vampire antelope. 'What's that?" she asked.






Vlad The Impala.





She was also disappointed to discover that a 12" Dik-dik was only another kind of antelope.



When our entire department was made redundant, we were discussing future employment prospects, and I suggested she might enjoy working in a Pet Shop. When she asked why, I explained that she would be able to spend her time playing with a Cockatoo.

We had a '76 Chevrolet Impala, which we called 'Vlad'. Great car actually. Was in the family for 22 years. Big, comfortable, powerful (5.7 liter V8), utterly reliable and durable..was Vlad.

[Chetverovod]

The Second World War. In the Kremlin, at a meeting of the Political Bureau, the Minister of State Security reports:

- Comrade Stalin, we learned that Marshal Rokossovsky defames moral image of a communist. He goes to the bathhouse every evening in the company of two ladies. What shall we do?

- ​We will be envy.

[MarkJerling]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

[MarkJerling]

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"

(Apologies if this one has been posted before.)

[MarkJerling]

A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. there is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says looks towards the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says "Actually I made up the previous statement. But you all looked in anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

[Photos-by-Chas]

A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. there is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says looks towards the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says "Actually I made up the previous statement. But you all looked in anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

Good jury, all very observant.