The Joke Thread

**southlander** · 08-13-2021, 05:16 AM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by MarkJerling

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

So you obviously passed the sniff test with her!

Michael Piziak · 08-13-2021, 10:49 PM - **1 Like**

---------- Post added 08-13-21 at 11:05 PM ----------

Originally posted by normhead

You're walking on thin ice there Mister.

Perhaps it explains why I'm divorced.....

robtcorl · 08-15-2021, 07:59 AM - **3 Likes**

I'd start a swear jar, but I don't have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

**WPRESTO** · 08-15-2021, 10:04 AM - **4 Likes**

My mother's comment on bathroom scales.: "Don't bother with them. Every one I've tried adds ten pounds."

35mmfilmfan · 08-20-2021, 01:10 AM - **3 Likes**

What software does a Witch use most frequently ?

Spell check

robtcorl · 08-21-2021, 02:57 PM - **6 Likes**

Never blame someone else for the road you're on.
That's your own asphalt.

**Riggomatic** · 08-22-2021, 04:56 AM - **5 Likes**

Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are a solid #2.

**clackers** · 08-23-2021, 12:11 AM - **9 Likes**

"Several family friends met regularly at each other's homes for dinner and then to play cards. When it was Jenny and Frank's turn to host, Jenny decided on a mushroom and chicken pie. Frank picked some mushrooms from the paddock at the back of the house. Jenny was worried they might be poisonous, but Frank reminded her that their dog Red ate them and was okay.

The meal was a great success, and everyone settled down to a game of 500. But a few minutes later, the front bell door rang, Jenny opened the door and the neighbour rushed in crying out, 'Red is dead!'

Jenny became hysterical. What was going to happen to her guests and Frank and herself? Calming down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

An ambulance arrived, and the officers and doctor took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

'Everyone should be fine now,' the doctor said before leaving.

They were all feeling weak and slouched on living room chairs when the neighbour whispered: "You know, that driver who ran over Red didn't even stop."

robtcorl · 08-29-2021, 08:12 AM - **12 Likes**

The officer said: "You're staggering."
I said: "You're quite handsome yourself."
We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

**blumoon722** · 08-31-2021, 08:44 AM - **14 Likes**

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...

torashi · 09-04-2021, 08:32 PM - **8 Likes**

disconnekt · 09-04-2021, 09:43 PM - **1 Like**

In the words of Vin Diesel: "They're not pets, they're family" 😂😂

Unregistered User 8 · 09-04-2021, 10:33 PM - **4 Likes**

Last week, I had to use a step-ladder to reach the highest fruit on our apple tree.

I really miss my real ladder.

torashi · 09-05-2021, 12:11 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by pjv

Last week, I had to use a step-ladder to reach the highest fruit on our apple tree.

I really miss my real ladder.

Your real ladder's famous last words:
"Help!"
"I'm stuck!"
"What are you doing, step-ladder?"

**Perfessor5646** · 09-05-2021, 03:11 AM - **12 Likes**

I started a club for atheists. It’s a non-prophet organization.

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08-13-2021, 05:16 AM - 3 Likes	#4186
southlander Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Adelaide Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,364	Originally posted by MarkJerling My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again. So you obviously passed the sniff test with her!

08-13-2021, 10:49 PM - 1 Like	#4187
Michael Piziak Closed Account Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: West Virginia Posts: 2,815	---------- Post added 08-13-21 at 11:05 PM ---------- Originally posted by normhead You're walking on thin ice there Mister. Perhaps it explains why I'm divorced.....

08-15-2021, 07:59 AM - 3 Likes	#4188
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	I'd start a swear jar, but I don't have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

08-15-2021, 10:04 AM - 4 Likes	#4189
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,107	My mother's comment on bathroom scales.: "Don't bother with them. Every one I've tried adds ten pounds."

08-20-2021, 01:10 AM - 3 Likes	#4190
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	What software does a Witch use most frequently ? Spell check

08-21-2021, 02:57 PM - 6 Likes	#4191
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	Never blame someone else for the road you're on. That's your own asphalt.

08-22-2021, 04:56 AM - 5 Likes	#4192
Riggomatic Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Nov 2014 Location: Auburn, Indiana Photos: Albums Posts: 3,886	Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are a solid #2.

08-23-2021, 12:11 AM - 9 Likes	#4193
clackers Otis Memorial Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Melbourne Photos: Albums Posts: 16,397	"Several family friends met regularly at each other's homes for dinner and then to play cards. When it was Jenny and Frank's turn to host, Jenny decided on a mushroom and chicken pie. Frank picked some mushrooms from the paddock at the back of the house. Jenny was worried they might be poisonous, but Frank reminded her that their dog Red ate them and was okay. The meal was a great success, and everyone settled down to a game of 500. But a few minutes later, the front bell door rang, Jenny opened the door and the neighbour rushed in crying out, 'Red is dead!' Jenny became hysterical. What was going to happen to her guests and Frank and herself? Calming down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. An ambulance arrived, and the officers and doctor took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. 'Everyone should be fine now,' the doctor said before leaving. They were all feeling weak and slouched on living room chairs when the neighbour whispered: "You know, that driver who ran over Red didn't even stop."

08-29-2021, 08:12 AM - 12 Likes	#4194
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	The officer said: "You're staggering." I said: "You're quite handsome yourself." We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

08-31-2021, 08:44 AM - 14 Likes	#4195
blumoon722 Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 424	"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads...

09-04-2021, 08:32 PM - 8 Likes	#4196
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322

09-04-2021, 09:43 PM - 1 Like	#4197
disconnekt Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: SoCal/I.E. Photos: Albums Posts: 1,699	In the words of Vin Diesel: "They're not pets, they're family" 😂😂

09-04-2021, 10:33 PM - 4 Likes	#4198
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	Last week, I had to use a step-ladder to reach the highest fruit on our apple tree. I really miss my real ladder.

09-05-2021, 12:11 AM - 1 Like	#4199
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	Originally posted by pjv Last week, I had to use a step-ladder to reach the highest fruit on our apple tree. I really miss my real ladder. Your real ladder's famous last words: "Help!" "I'm stuck!" "What are you doing, step-ladder?"

09-05-2021, 03:11 AM - 12 Likes	#4200
Perfessor5646 Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2018 Location: Louisville, KY Photos: Albums Posts: 605	I started a club for atheists. It’s a non-prophet organization.