[slartibartfast01]

You have to know English pronunciation for that one.

I made my English mother in law laugh once when I pronounced an Ottawa street, Glou Chester. She was never one to miss a chance to point out someone else's foolishness.

Talking about pronunciation and laughing, there is a British diver call Jack Laugher but his surname is pronounced "Law"

[timb64]

Back to the jokes

A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big boobs and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[timb64]

And another…

While driving down a country road I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when another car pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,

"Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
“I’m okay I think.” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“My guess is that she’s still in the ditch.”

[robtcorl]

While driving down a country road I swerved to avoid hitting a deer,

Driving down the road the other day I saw my ex walking along the shoulder.
It's funny how "I'd hit that" changes meaning over the years.

[timb64]

More?……

The original Captain Kirk actor (and oldest astronaut)has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a brand name.

---------- Post added 10-16-21 at 01:14 PM ----------

Last one for today……

A policeman flags down a driver. After pulling him over, the policeman approached the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!

[bertwert]

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

Ur a bus!

[Racer X 69]

Here, it’s been a long while since we converted to the Metric system (1971). The only substantial remnants of the old Imperial system of measurements are measures of people’s heights and the instrument panels of old motorcars. Tyre diameters took a little longer to change (strangely, not the widths) than some others, but there’s no issue such as we see in the (purported) “Mother country”.

You could say that it’s passed beyond a joke (so it’s historical, as far as the intent of this thread is concerned).

This seems.to indicate your tyre diameters are still in inches, just like us
Understanding Tyre Specifications & Tyre Size | Tyrepower

You guys spell it incorrectly.

It is tire.

But keep in mind, tires never get tired, they just wear out. Then you get new ones and have them swapped out for the old ones. Then you can say the car has been retired, even though it just got new dancing shoes good for another 50,000 miles or so.

[Racer X 69]

Back to the jokes

A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big boobs and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

And another…

While driving down a country road I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when another car pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,

"Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
“I’m okay I think.” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“My guess is that she’s still in the ditch.”

More?……

The original Captain Kirk actor (and oldest astronaut)has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a brand name.

---------- Post added 10-16-21 at 01:14 PM ----------

Last one for today……

A policeman flags down a driver. After pulling him over, the policeman approached the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!

Tim, you've got me in stitches this morning. Great jokes.

Driving down the road the other day I saw my ex walking along the shoulder.
It's funny how "I'd hit that" changes meaning over the years.

#1, this is a perfect description of Mrs. Racer 1.0.

[luftfluss]

... my English mother in law... was never one to miss a chance to point out someone else's foolishness.

Including her daughter's?

[Racer X 69]

https://youtu.be/c6si8Xp8P-M

That movie is a string of one liners.

I've always liked this one.

You Tube

You Tube

[StiffLegged]

You guys spell it incorrectly.

It is tire.

But keep in mind, tires never get tired, they just wear out. Then you get new ones and have them swapped out for the old ones. Then you can say the car has been retired, even though it just got new dancing shoes good for another 50,000 miles or so.

Never mind, we can at least agree when the fitters get together and talk shop it quickly grows tiresome.

[WPRESTO]

Never mind, we can at least agree when the fitters get together and talk shop it quickly grows tiresome.

He probably thinks Tyre should only apply to a Lebanese city.

[disconnekt]

Best way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Depends on if you see it later or in a while.

[timb64]

Tim, you've got me in stitches this morning. Great jokes.

Thanks,I can’t take credit though-they are all cut and pasted from a joke thread on a Miata/MX5 Forum I recently joined after my acquisition!

[Racer X 69]

Never mind, we can at least agree when the fitters get together and talk shop it quickly grows tiresome.

Yeah, I'm growing tired of tire talk myself. My Dodge Ram 3500 needs a new set of tires. It has six. The available options range in price from $170 to $240. I'm leaving toward a set that go for $210 each, so about $1,260 plus tax.

But "free" shipping.

I'm knackered.