The Joke Thread

normhead · 11-21-2021, 09:56 AM

Sounds like current football and baseball stats, "this is the first time in NFL history that a guy sat down on the field, tied his shoe lace, then got up and ran for a touchdown." Some of them are ridiculous.

**WPRESTO** · 11-21-2021, 11:25 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by normhead

Sounds like current football and baseball stats, "this is the first time in NFL history that a guy sat down on the field, tied his shoe lace, then got up and ran for a touchdown." Some of them are ridiculous.

The event would have been more memorable if he cross-tied his laces (=knotted the right shoe lace to the left one). Now that conjures an image worth remembering. Headline: "NFL players tackles himself"

timb64 · 11-21-2021, 05:09 PM - **7 Likes**

An elderly couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So, the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

Kunzite · 11-22-2021, 06:06 AM - **2 Likes**

Don't you hate when you're sending a text, and you're rudely interrupted by some stupid jogger bouncing on your windshield?

lotech · 11-22-2021, 09:31 AM

Originally posted by bertwert

Student to teacher: What comes next miss? 15, 21, 35, 40...
Teacher: Uhh, I don't know... give me a minute.
Student: 70
Teacher: How did you get that?
Student: It is Limited knowledge...

Sorry, I just made that up. It's a terrible joke...

I figured...

I'm a Linux guy don't do jokes !

timb64 · 11-22-2021, 08:28 PM - **11 Likes**

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said:
I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said:
We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car !

robtcorl · 11-23-2021, 07:49 AM - **9 Likes**

Things that tell the truth:
small children
drunk people
yoga pants

Unregistered User 8 · 11-23-2021, 05:34 PM - **1 Like**

Hi folks, please be reminded of the family friendly nature of the forums, and that any cartoons posted here need to comply with the rules too. Thanks.

35mmfilmfan · 11-24-2021, 04:08 AM - **6 Likes**

Not exactly a joke, although it has its funny side (to me, anyway). Went birding yesterday, with usual backpack full of camera gear. It was dark when I headed home on the bus, backpack beside me on the seat, so I was quietly dozing when some low-life, about to alight, thought he'd grab my bag as he went past, hoping I'd not notice.

Well, he took hold of the handle at the top - and couldn't even lift it ! He came to a sudden halt - meanwhile, another passenger who had spotted this called out 'Oh no you don't !' All I said to the would-be felon was 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry - was that in your way ? I do apologise !' He scrambled off the bus followed by laughter from the other passengers.

MarkJerling · 11-24-2021, 04:19 AM - **2 Likes**

Which reminds me nicely of the time I was flying with a whole heap of car parts. Checked luggage was, of course, maximum weight which meant the really heavy stuff was in my hand luggage, which was a small backpack.

Hand luggage contained some bezels for a '50s Shell bowser, a metric socket set, a complete '55-59 Ford water pump and a water pump rebuild kit and a heavy duty (ambo spec) Delco alternator. These were the days before 9/11 so security looked over all this but just shrugged their shoulders. At the end of the security counter there was a smallish airline ground staff member handing people's hand luggage back to them and wishing them a pleasant flight.

I saw her attempt to lift my bag and failing miserably. I apologized, picked it up myself, nonchalantly slinging one strap over my shoulder and she said: "You're not going to put that in the overhead compartment, are you?" I replied: "No, would not dream of it."

**steamloco76** · 11-24-2021, 04:25 AM - **8 Likes**

Not mine, but worth posting!

I had a problem today, guys.
The wife called me at work, last week and complained that she hadn't heard from her mother for a week.
I said to her that if we can't get in touch over the weekend, I'd file a missing persons report.
Well Monday i called the local cops, here in Newcastle, NSW and filed that report.
Today the local Sergent called me up and asked for me to meet him down at Throsby creek....
I met them just as they were dragging a body out of the creek, with several mud crabs attached....
The sergent asked if it was my mother in-law.... I said yes...
he asked what we should do.....
I said "I'll take those two, You take the others, we can reset her and come back tomorrow...."

35mmfilmfan · 11-25-2021, 07:23 AM - **1 Like**

I have heard rumours of a new Pentax APSC camera coming soon - called a K-9

Might be a bit of a dog, though.

(Who would have thought it ?)

Racer X 69 · 11-25-2021, 08:17 AM - **5 Likes**

Street walking with Jay Leno.

You Tube

Sad really, how people can be so dumb.

Happy Thanksgiving to our members in the US.

35mmfilmfan · 11-25-2021, 09:28 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by Racer X 69

Street walking with Jay Leno.

Pedestrians Being Dumb for 10 Minutes Straight - YouTube

Sad really, how people can be so dumb.

Happy Thanksgiving to our members in the US.

HELP !!!!!
(And I mean that most sincerely).

If ignorance is bliss, they must be the happiest people in the world.

**Photos-by-Chas** · 11-25-2021, 10:12 AM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

HELP !!!!!
(And I mean that most sincerely).

If ignorance is bliss, they must be the happiest people in the world.

They walk among us. And what is so much worse, they mate and have offspring.

11-23-2021, 05:34 PM - 1 Like	#4448
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	Moderator request Hi folks, please be reminded of the family friendly nature of the forums, and that any cartoons posted here need to comply with the rules too. Thanks.

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11-21-2021, 09:56 AM	#4441
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 40,451	Sounds like current football and baseball stats, "this is the first time in NFL history that a guy sat down on the field, tied his shoe lace, then got up and ran for a touchdown." Some of them are ridiculous.

11-21-2021, 11:25 AM - 1 Like	#4442
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,108	Originally posted by normhead Sounds like current football and baseball stats, "this is the first time in NFL history that a guy sat down on the field, tied his shoe lace, then got up and ran for a touchdown." Some of them are ridiculous. The event would have been more memorable if he cross-tied his laces (=knotted the right shoe lace to the left one). Now that conjures an image worth remembering. Headline: "NFL players tackles himself"

11-21-2021, 05:09 PM - 7 Likes	#4443
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: /Situation : Doing my best to avoid idiots! Photos: Gallery Posts: 9,510	An elderly couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So, the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

11-22-2021, 06:06 AM - 2 Likes	#4444
Kunzite Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Romania Posts: 15,132	Don't you hate when you're sending a text, and you're rudely interrupted by some stupid jogger bouncing on your windshield?

11-22-2021, 09:31 AM	#4445
lotech Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 1,312	Originally posted by bertwert Student to teacher: What comes next miss? 15, 21, 35, 40... Teacher: Uhh, I don't know... give me a minute. Student: 70 Teacher: How did you get that? Student: It is Limited knowledge... Sorry, I just made that up. It's a terrible joke... I figured... I'm a Linux guy don't do jokes !

11-22-2021, 08:28 PM - 11 Likes	#4446
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: /Situation : Doing my best to avoid idiots! Photos: Gallery Posts: 9,510	I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said: I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said: We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car !

11-23-2021, 07:49 AM - 9 Likes	#4447
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	Things that tell the truth: small children drunk people yoga pants

11-24-2021, 04:08 AM - 6 Likes	#4449
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Not exactly a joke, although it has its funny side (to me, anyway). Went birding yesterday, with usual backpack full of camera gear. It was dark when I headed home on the bus, backpack beside me on the seat, so I was quietly dozing when some low-life, about to alight, thought he'd grab my bag as he went past, hoping I'd not notice. Well, he took hold of the handle at the top - and couldn't even lift it ! He came to a sudden halt - meanwhile, another passenger who had spotted this called out 'Oh no you don't !' All I said to the would-be felon was 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry - was that in your way ? I do apologise !' He scrambled off the bus followed by laughter from the other passengers.

11-24-2021, 04:19 AM - 2 Likes	#4450
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	Which reminds me nicely of the time I was flying with a whole heap of car parts. Checked luggage was, of course, maximum weight which meant the really heavy stuff was in my hand luggage, which was a small backpack. Hand luggage contained some bezels for a '50s Shell bowser, a metric socket set, a complete '55-59 Ford water pump and a water pump rebuild kit and a heavy duty (ambo spec) Delco alternator. These were the days before 9/11 so security looked over all this but just shrugged their shoulders. At the end of the security counter there was a smallish airline ground staff member handing people's hand luggage back to them and wishing them a pleasant flight. I saw her attempt to lift my bag and failing miserably. I apologized, picked it up myself, nonchalantly slinging one strap over my shoulder and she said: "You're not going to put that in the overhead compartment, are you?" I replied: "No, would not dream of it."

11-24-2021, 04:25 AM - 8 Likes	#4451
steamloco76 Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Feb 2014 Location: Pennsylvania Photos: Gallery Posts: 2,710	Not mine, but worth posting! I had a problem today, guys. The wife called me at work, last week and complained that she hadn't heard from her mother for a week. I said to her that if we can't get in touch over the weekend, I'd file a missing persons report. Well Monday i called the local cops, here in Newcastle, NSW and filed that report. Today the local Sergent called me up and asked for me to meet him down at Throsby creek.... I met them just as they were dragging a body out of the creek, with several mud crabs attached.... The sergent asked if it was my mother in-law.... I said yes... he asked what we should do..... I said "I'll take those two, You take the others, we can reset her and come back tomorrow...."

11-25-2021, 07:23 AM - 1 Like	#4452
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	I have heard rumours of a new Pentax APSC camera coming soon - called a K-9 Might be a bit of a dog, though. (Who would have thought it ?)

11-25-2021, 09:28 AM - 1 Like	#4454
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Originally posted by Racer X 69 Street walking with Jay Leno. Pedestrians Being Dumb for 10 Minutes Straight - YouTube Sad really, how people can be so dumb. Happy Thanksgiving to our members in the US. HELP !!!!! (And I mean that most sincerely). If ignorance is bliss, they must be the happiest people in the world.

11-25-2021, 10:12 AM - 3 Likes	#4455
Photos-by-Chas Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Northwest Pennsylvania, USA Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,318	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan HELP !!!!! (And I mean that most sincerely). If ignorance is bliss, they must be the happiest people in the world. They walk among us. And what is so much worse, they mate and have offspring.