[steamloco76]

plausible

Attached Images

 

[Photos-by-Chas]

A couple years ago (give or take a month or two) I had surgery on my lower back and two vertebrae were fixed in place with two rods and four screws. Today I was seen by my VA doc for my annual check up and showed her a photo of my back x-rays taken after the surgery. She said, they really screwed you up!

[Liney]

Apparently the English Cricket Board have been in touch with Novak Djokovic to see if he is interested in being a temporary batting coach.

Well it took Australia two weeks to get him out.....

[Martin Stu]

masterpiece

[Parallax]

The Lone Ranger's
Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...



"BRING POSSE"

[bxf]

The Guillotine

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were led to the
guillotine for their crimes. The executioner pulled the
priest forward first and asked him if he wanted to be
facing up or down when he met his fate.
"Upward," said the priest. "I want to be looking toward
heaven when I die."
The blade zoomed downward, but stopped just an inch short
of the priest's throat. All assembled agreed that it was
divine intervention, and let the priest go free.
The drunkard was pulled forward next, and decided to copy
the priest, hoping he would get as lucky. Again the blade
zoomed down but stopped just short of the drunkard's
throat. So the authorities released him as well.
It was finally the engineer's turn. He, like the others,
decided to face upward. The blade slowly raised back into
place.

"Oh, hey, I think I know what the problem is." The engineer
exclaimed. "That cable to the left appears to be catching
the rope!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A cop sees a guy driving a van, with six penguins in the back. He motions the driver of the van to stop, walks up to the him and says "you know, you can't drive around with the penguins like this. You should take them to the zoo". The driver acknowledges the cop's advice, thanks him, and continues on his way.

The next day, the same cop sees the van again, and still the penguins are in the back. Once again he stops the van, walks up to the driver and says "I thought I told you to take the penguins to the zoo".

The driver replies "Oh, I did, and we had a great time". Today we are going to the beach".

[Martin Stu]

Torments of creativity: "The highest point"

[Racer X 69]

Well it has been six years since #4 started this thread.

Lots of great jokes shared, plenty of laughs.

Here's to another six years, and a hearty thank you to #4 for giving us a place to come for a daily chuckle.

[Martin Stu]

[Racer X 69]

Folks generally aren’t very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That’s why there are so many named Rover and Spot, so I decided to name mine Sex.

One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.

He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”

Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”

He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”

“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”

He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.

When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

After my wife and I got married, I took Sex with us on honeymoon. When we checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”
I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody for Sex. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking until I came across a policeman , who asked what I was doing in the alley at midnight.

I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”
My case comes up next Tuesday.

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counselling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”

He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend, get a dog.

[Photos-by-Chas]

Torments of creativity: "The highest point"

Rather like a banana duct taped to a wall.

[bertwert]

An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty, and Excel says the glass is the 1st of February.

[luftfluss]

An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty, and Excel says the glass is the 1st of February.

In the USA it's "the 2nd of January"

[Martin Stu]

Rather like a banana duct taped to a wall.

maybe similar...

"The highest point"

I assume that this name is chosen in a satirical or sarcastic sense.

[Tako Kichi]

...........

He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend, get a dog.

True story ............ my wife and I both play a multiplayer computer game/simulation that is based around hunting wild animals ('The Hunter: Call of the Wild' if anyone is interested). One of the available extra DLCs is for a hunting dog (bloodhound) to help you track any prey you have shot but not initially killed outright. You can pick a gender for the dog, the colour variation and also name them and to keep up their morale you have to periodically pet/play with them and give them treats so that they stay happy and attentive and therefore track the prey better.


After we got ours selected as far as gender and colour type we had to decide on names and my wife picked 'Cassie' for her female, brown, saddle-back, I chose to call my male, black and tan, saddle-back 'Stainz'. On hearing my dog's name my wife asked "Why on earth did you call your dog Stainz?" to which I replied ....

"So that I can wander through the bush shouting "Come Stainz!" at the top of my lungs!"