[Photos-by-Chas]

From time to time I get a catalog that offers dozens of T-shirts with curious statements on them. Many fall into the category of insults, the kind of one-liners common on some insult-driven TV comedy shows. Here are some that caught my attention (re: these are billboarded on a T-shirt)

Ten reasons to procrastinate: 1)

If all is not lost, where is it?

I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.

I recycle - I wore this shirt yesterday.

A little gray hair is a small price to pay for so much wisdom.

I'm morally flexible - - physically not so much.

I thought growing old would take much longer.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I work for money. If you want loyalty, get a dog.

I practice sarcasm because killing people is illegal.

No need to vaccinate all your kids - only the ones you want to keep.

Someday when scientists locate the center of the Universe, many people will be disappointed that it isn't them.

I don't understand your specific type of crazy, but I admire your commitment to it.

I doubt the existence of skepticism

Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.

If you boil a funny bone do you get laughing stock?

Earth without art is just "eh."

To the guy who discovered zero: Thanks for nothing.

I'm diagonally parked in a parallel Universe.

I'm not arguing with you. I'm explaining why I'm right

I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

If sarcasm burned calories I'd be skinny.

I'm starting to think that I'll never be old enough to know better.

AND one of my own

Cynicism is truth you recognize but don't want to acknowledge.

Those are all very good. I identify with several. My favorite though is, "Any book worth banning is a book worth reading." More truth than sarcasm.

[35mmfilmfan]

A gentleman approaches a young lady in a bar, and greets her with 'Hey good-looking ; Say, what's cooking? '

She looks at him and says 'If you are expecting me to do it - nothing at all.'

.

[fuzzyphotos]

I passed gas the other day, my wife looked at me and ask "what was that?". I told her my spare tire must have sprung a leak!

[Photos-by-Chas]

I passed gas the other day, my wife looked at me and ask "what was that?". I told her my spare tire must have sprung a leak!

Reminds me of the "Biker" whose bike broke down and he decided to take a bus back to the club house.A sall group was gathered at the stop with an attractive middle aged lady a few feet from it. The biker took a position away from the group with the lady about midway between hm and the group. SUddenly feeling the pressure build he allowed himself to pass gas, loudly. As the people waiting for the bus began turning toward him, he stated loudly, "Look innocent, Lady, they'll think I did it."

[Lloyd_Christmas]

Can you all see my avatar? It doesn't display for me but I added a .jpg to my profile.

[gatorguy]

Can you all see my avatar? It doesn't display for me but I added a .jpg to my profile.

No, there's no avatar. Odd thread to ask in.

[Photos-by-Chas]

Can you all see my avatar? It doesn't display for me but I added a .jpg to my profile.

What GatorGuy said.

[arnold]

President Bush and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket.

"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.

"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary

cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting

tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in

hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the

return trip.

When they get to the station they see the Clintons at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip.. To their

astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.

"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.

"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush. When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons

cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and

walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And the Democrats are still trying to figure out how they lost that election.

[35mmfilmfan]

Not really a joke, but a (to me) humorous experience. When one of my daughters was about three, I found her jumping up and down, with a worried, confused look on her face. She looked at me and asked 'Why can't I stay up when I jump ?' Have you ever attempted to explain gravity to a three-year-old ?

I found an explanation that satisfied her at the time - I said 'Jo, when you jump up, you become heavier, so you have to come down again to keep your real weight.' 'Oh', she said, smiling, 'I thought I was doing something wrong !'


.
This was the same child who invented 'Rain, rain go away. Rain on someone else today.'

[arnold]

From the minds of Children.....Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.

She gave each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and

asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the they came up with:

Better to be safe than.......................................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the................................................bug is close.

It's always darkest before.................................daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of......................termites.

You can lead a horse to water but .....................how?

Don't bite the hand that.....................................looks dirty.

No news is.......................................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a.....................................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog................................math.

If you lie down with dogs, you............................will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust....................................................me.

The pen is mightier than....................................the pigs.

An idle mind is.................................................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's...........................pollution.

Happy is the bride who......................................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is..............................................not much.

Two is company, three's....................................The Musketeers.

None are so blind as.........................................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not........................spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed................................get new batteries.

You get out of something what you....................see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind.............................get out of the way.

There is no fool like...........................................Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose.

[MarkJerling]

A funny and true story about the Queen:

Around 2005, the Queen and her Personal Protection Officer, Dick Griffin, were walking alone one afternoon in the hills near the Scottish royal castle, Balmoral.
Two tourists approached them, and engaged in conversation. Griffin recalls:

"There were two hikers coming towards us, and the Queen would always stop and say hello.
"They were two Americans on a walking holiday.
"It was clear from the moment we stopped that they hadn't recognized the Queen, which was fine.
"The American gentleman was telling the Queen where they came from, where they were going next, and where they'd been in Britain.
"I could see it coming, and sure enough, he said to Her Majesty: 'And where do you live?'
"She replied: 'Well I live in London, but I've got a holiday home just the other side of the hills.'
"He said: 'How long have you been coming up here?'
"She replied: 'I've been coming up here ever since I was a little girl, so over 80 years.'
"You could see the cogs whirring, so he said: 'Well, if you've been coming up here for over 80 years, you must have met the Queen.'
"Quick as a flash, she said: 'I haven't, but Dick here meets her regularly.'
The hiker then asked Griffin what the monarch was like in person.
"Because I was with her a long time, and I knew I could pull her leg, I said: 'Oh, she can be very cantankerous at times, but she's got a lovely sense of humour.'
The next thing I knew, this guy comes round, puts his arm around my shoulder, and before I could see what was happening, he gets his camera, GIVES IT TO THE QUEEN, and says: 'Can you take a picture of the two of us?'
"Then we swapped places, and I TOOK A PICTURE OF THEM WITH THE QUEEN.
"And we never let on, and we waved goodbye.
"Afterwards, Her Majesty said to me: 'I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he shows those photographs to his friends in America, and hopefully someone tells him who I am'."

Rest in Peace Your Majesty

You Tube

You Tube

[Martin Stu]

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

[Photos-by-Chas]

A funny and true story about the Queen:

Around 2005, the Queen and her Personal Protection Officer, Dick Griffin, were walking alone one afternoon in the hills near the Scottish royal castle, Balmoral.
Two tourists approached them, and engaged in conversation. Griffin recalls:

"There were two hikers coming towards us, and the Queen would always stop and say hello.
"They were two Americans on a walking holiday.
"It was clear from the moment we stopped that they hadn't recognized the Queen, which was fine.
"The American gentleman was telling the Queen where they came from, where they were going next, and where they'd been in Britain.
"I could see it coming, and sure enough, he said to Her Majesty: 'And where do you live?'
"She replied: 'Well I live in London, but I've got a holiday home just the other side of the hills.'
"He said: 'How long have you been coming up here?'
"She replied: 'I've been coming up here ever since I was a little girl, so over 80 years.'
"You could see the cogs whirring, so he said: 'Well, if you've been coming up here for over 80 years, you must have met the Queen.'
"Quick as a flash, she said: 'I haven't, but Dick here meets her regularly.'
The hiker then asked Griffin what the monarch was like in person.
"Because I was with her a long time, and I knew I could pull her leg, I said: 'Oh, she can be very cantankerous at times, but she's got a lovely sense of humour.'
The next thing I knew, this guy comes round, puts his arm around my shoulder, and before I could see what was happening, he gets his camera, GIVES IT TO THE QUEEN, and says: 'Can you take a picture of the two of us?'
"Then we swapped places, and I TOOK A PICTURE OF THEM WITH THE QUEEN.
"And we never let on, and we waved goodbye.
"Afterwards, Her Majesty said to me: 'I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he shows those photographs to his friends in America, and hopefully someone tells him who I am'."

Rest in Peace Your Majesty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uw9g1Q74t4s

That is priceless and so very insightful to the Queen's personality.

[arnold]

Why dogs are better than wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

[WPRESTO]

31, They say a dog is a man's best friend. Correct.
32. Dogs never complain about the food you prepare for them, and they never ask to go out to eat.
33, Dogs would rather have an old tennis ball than a diamond ring.
34. Dogs never compare you unfavorably to another man.
35. Dogs don't yell when you walk on the rug with muddy shoes.
36. Dogs don't tell you to take out the garbage. In fact, they'd rather keep it inside forever.
37. Dogs don't use the telephone.
38. Dogs never keep you waiting to use the bathroom.
38. Dogs would rather go for a walk than go to the theater.
39. Dogs might like mink, but they're totally satisfied with a cheap stuffed toy.
40. Dogs don't wear cosmetics.
etc. etc, if you are into the old stereotypes about wives. None of these is an advantage a dog has over M.