The Joke Thread

**Photos-by-Chas** · 10-21-2022, 06:18 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by ChrisPlatt

My wife and I just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary.

When asked what might be a good gift I suggested dueling pistols.

Chris

That's when the fight really started.

35mmfilmfan · 10-22-2022, 12:10 AM - **1 Like**

I saw a man lying on the ground the other day. Wondering if he required medical assistance, I approached him and greeted him, asking if he was OK. He said he was, seemed in a mood to chat, so I asked him his name. 'Horace' he replied. 'Horace what ?' I enquired.

'Horizontal'.

timb64 · 10-22-2022, 05:19 AM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

I saw a man lying on the ground the other day. Wondering if he required medical assistance, I approached him and greeted him, asking if he was OK. He said he was, seemed in a mood to chat, so I asked him his name. 'Horace' he replied. 'Horace what ?' I enquired.

'Horizontal'.

Would his partner be Ms Di Agonal?

**StiffLegged** · 10-22-2022, 02:35 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by timb64

Would his partner be Ms Di Agonal?

No, but this incident occurred in Diagon Alley

**WPRESTO** · 10-22-2022, 02:47 PM - **2 Likes**

Why did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

(This is supposed to be a :"groaner.")

35mmfilmfan · 10-22-2022, 03:20 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by WPRESTO

Why did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

(This is supposed to be a :"groaner.")

Never heard Bing Crosby tell that one.

**arnold** · 10-25-2022, 12:49 AM - **8 Likes**

'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.'

'Not me, Chief!' the Seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'

Martin Stu · 10-25-2022, 07:38 PM - **5 Likes**

a woman stops a man on the street
- You look remarkably like my third husband!
- How many husbands have you had?
- two...

**arnold** · 10-25-2022, 09:01 PM - **5 Likes**

“Whilst inspecting the Black Watch honour guard, the Duchess of Kent whispered to the Regimental Sergeant Major “Is anything worn under the kilt?” To which he replied “No Marm. Everything is in perfect working order.”

**RobA_Oz** · 10-26-2022, 01:36 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by arnold

“Whilst inspecting the Black Watch honour guard, the Duchess of Kent whispered to the Regimental Sergeant Major “Is anything worn under the kilt?” To which he replied “No Marm. Everything is in perfect working order.”

I can remember Spike Milligan telling that joke. I don’t recall if it was his originally, but I suspect it’s worthy of a heritage listing, either way.

**Photos-by-Chas** · 10-26-2022, 03:37 PM - **4 Likes**

Brings to my mind the story of The Ski Patrol Soldiers at the end of WWII that stopped in London and was reviewe by the Queen. As she proceeded along the line of soldiers she noted one young man appearing quite happy to be on his way home. She stopped and made a few inquiries of the young manand his family. He admittd he was married and had not seen his young bride in over 18 months. Intrigued, she asked him what the first thing he and his wife would do when he arrived home. He embarrassedly told her in very plain and straightforward honesty and detail. The qyueen only slightly taken aback, then asked what he would do next. He replied, "I'll take of my skis."

Martin Stu · 10-27-2022, 04:55 AM - **1 Like**

Hi! Why do you look so exhausted?
yes, you see, I came to the racetrack to watch the competition, my shoelace came undone, I bent down to tie the shoelace, and immediately someone put a saddle on my back...
so what?
and then the gong rang... and the horse races began... And I came to the finish line first...

35mmfilmfan · 10-27-2022, 10:09 AM

Halloween special :

Who was the happiest Vampire ?

Glad the Impaler

.

**arnold** · 10-27-2022, 06:45 PM - **7 Likes**

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! '

The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.

disconnekt · 10-28-2022, 03:27 PM

Originally posted by arnold

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! '

The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.

This made me laugh waaay more than it shojld have 😂😂

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10-21-2022, 06:18 PM - 2 Likes	#5041
Photos-by-Chas Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Northwest Pennsylvania, USA Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,318	Originally posted by ChrisPlatt My wife and I just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. When asked what might be a good gift I suggested dueling pistols. Chris That's when the fight really started.

10-22-2022, 12:10 AM - 1 Like	#5042
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,312	I saw a man lying on the ground the other day. Wondering if he required medical assistance, I approached him and greeted him, asking if he was OK. He said he was, seemed in a mood to chat, so I asked him his name. 'Horace' he replied. 'Horace what ?' I enquired. 'Horizontal'.

10-22-2022, 05:19 AM - 3 Likes	#5043
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: /Situation : Doing my best to avoid idiots! Photos: Gallery Posts: 9,510	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan I saw a man lying on the ground the other day. Wondering if he required medical assistance, I approached him and greeted him, asking if he was OK. He said he was, seemed in a mood to chat, so I asked him his name. 'Horace' he replied. 'Horace what ?' I enquired. 'Horizontal'. Would his partner be Ms Di Agonal?

10-22-2022, 02:35 PM - 1 Like	#5044
StiffLegged Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2018 Photos: Gallery Posts: 4,610	Originally posted by timb64 Would his partner be Ms Di Agonal? No, but this incident occurred in Diagon Alley

10-22-2022, 02:47 PM - 2 Likes	#5045
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,089	Why did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut. (This is supposed to be a :"groaner.")

10-22-2022, 03:20 PM - 1 Like	#5046
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,312	Originally posted by WPRESTO Why did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut. (This is supposed to be a :"groaner.") Never heard Bing Crosby tell that one.

10-25-2022, 12:49 AM - 8 Likes	#5047
arnold Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Queensland Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,293	'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.' 'Not me, Chief!' the Seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'

10-25-2022, 07:38 PM - 5 Likes	#5048
Martin Stu Pentaxian Join Date: Jan 2019 Posts: 1,115	a woman stops a man on the street - You look remarkably like my third husband! - How many husbands have you had? - two...

10-25-2022, 09:01 PM - 5 Likes	#5049
arnold Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Queensland Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,293	“Whilst inspecting the Black Watch honour guard, the Duchess of Kent whispered to the Regimental Sergeant Major “Is anything worn under the kilt?” To which he replied “No Marm. Everything is in perfect working order.”

10-26-2022, 01:36 PM - 2 Likes	#5050
RobA_Oz Site Supporter Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Tasmania, Australia Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,191	Originally posted by arnold “Whilst inspecting the Black Watch honour guard, the Duchess of Kent whispered to the Regimental Sergeant Major “Is anything worn under the kilt?” To which he replied “No Marm. Everything is in perfect working order.” I can remember Spike Milligan telling that joke. I don’t recall if it was his originally, but I suspect it’s worthy of a heritage listing, either way.

10-26-2022, 03:37 PM - 4 Likes	#5051
Photos-by-Chas Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Northwest Pennsylvania, USA Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,318	Brings to my mind the story of The Ski Patrol Soldiers at the end of WWII that stopped in London and was reviewe by the Queen. As she proceeded along the line of soldiers she noted one young man appearing quite happy to be on his way home. She stopped and made a few inquiries of the young manand his family. He admittd he was married and had not seen his young bride in over 18 months. Intrigued, she asked him what the first thing he and his wife would do when he arrived home. He embarrassedly told her in very plain and straightforward honesty and detail. The qyueen only slightly taken aback, then asked what he would do next. He replied, "I'll take of my skis."

10-27-2022, 04:55 AM - 1 Like	#5052
Martin Stu Pentaxian Join Date: Jan 2019 Posts: 1,115	Hi! Why do you look so exhausted? yes, you see, I came to the racetrack to watch the competition, my shoelace came undone, I bent down to tie the shoelace, and immediately someone put a saddle on my back... so what? and then the gong rang... and the horse races began... And I came to the finish line first...

10-27-2022, 10:09 AM	#5053
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,312	Halloween special : Who was the happiest Vampire ? Glad the Impaler .

10-27-2022, 06:45 PM - 7 Likes	#5054
arnold Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Queensland Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,293	An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! ' The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.

10-28-2022, 03:27 PM	#5055
disconnekt Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: SoCal/I.E. Photos: Albums Posts: 1,699	Originally posted by arnold An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! ' The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like. This made me laugh waaay more than it shojld have 😂😂

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