The Joke Thread

**Photos-by-Chas** · 11-23-2022, 06:17 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by RobA_Oz

More importantly, is it Long Playing?

Or are you just needling us?

Maybe just accentuating the point with different spin.

**RobA_Oz** · 11-23-2022, 07:54 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by Photos-by-Chas

Maybe just accentuating the point with different spin.

That’s turning the tables.

35mmfilmfan · 11-24-2022, 09:24 AM - **1 Like**

Why aren't people who mend record decks called 'Spin Doctors' ?

Parallax · 11-24-2022, 09:31 AM - **8 Likes**

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

Racer X 69 · 11-24-2022, 10:03 AM

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

My mother was 16 when I was born, in 33.

I was 45 in 78.

Is this a record ?

.

Well, I have some 45s, a ton of 33 1/3 lps, but the stuff on 78s never really interested me, so not a single one is on the shelf.

35mmfilmfan · 11-24-2022, 10:11 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by Racer X 69

Well, I have some 45s, a ton of 33 1/3 lps, but the stuff on 78s never really interested me, so not a single one is on the shelf.

I used to have Buddy Holly, Bill Haley, Elvis, Little Richard, Paul Anka and Jerry Lee on shellac 78s.

Shellac melts.

Parallax · 11-24-2022, 06:17 PM - **3 Likes**

Why did the ghost get a ticket from the game warden?

He didn't have a haunting license.

Sorry......

Parallax · 11-28-2022, 06:43 AM - **8 Likes**

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do" she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember". "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do" she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today".

normhead · 11-28-2022, 07:54 AM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do" she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember". "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do" she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today".

If I'd shot you when I should have I would have been out by now.

35mmfilmfan · 11-28-2022, 10:16 AM - **4 Likes**

Are people with no sense of direction non compass mentis ?

normhead · 11-29-2022, 06:32 AM - **11 Likes**

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to di e the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty b*stard," replied the fairy.

**WPRESTO** · 11-29-2022, 11:14 AM - **4 Likes**

Originally posted by normhead

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to di e the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty b*stard," replied the fairy.

Mark Twain was right, we have the best government that money can buy.

How little things have changed since Twain's day.

normhead · 11-29-2022, 11:32 AM

Originally posted by WPRESTO

Mark Twain was right, we have the best government that money can buy.

How little things have changed since Twain's day.

My father used to say "Ohio State has the best football team that money can buy."
Followed by the "The difference between the Cleveland Browns and the Buckeye football team,? The Buckeye's make more money."

**StiffLegged** · 11-29-2022, 01:33 PM

Originally posted by normhead

If I'd shot you when I should have I would have been out by now.

A craftsman I knew of said of his infamously difficult employer: "If I'd murdered him after I finished my apprenticeship, I'd be out by now and could enjoy my work"

Plus ca change.

**clackers** · 11-29-2022, 08:52 PM - **10 Likes**

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11-23-2022, 06:17 PM - 2 Likes	#5101
Photos-by-Chas Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Northwest Pennsylvania, USA Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,318	Originally posted by RobA_Oz More importantly, is it Long Playing? Or are you just needling us? Maybe just accentuating the point with different spin.

11-23-2022, 07:54 PM - 2 Likes	#5102
RobA_Oz Site Supporter Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Tasmania, Australia Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,197	Originally posted by Photos-by-Chas Maybe just accentuating the point with different spin. That’s turning the tables.

11-24-2022, 09:24 AM - 1 Like	#5103
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Why aren't people who mend record decks called 'Spin Doctors' ?

11-24-2022, 09:31 AM - 8 Likes	#5104
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

11-24-2022, 10:03 AM	#5105
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,068	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan My mother was 16 when I was born, in 33. I was 45 in 78. Is this a record ? . Well, I have some 45s, a ton of 33 1/3 lps, but the stuff on 78s never really interested me, so not a single one is on the shelf.

11-24-2022, 10:11 AM - 1 Like	#5106
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Originally posted by Racer X 69 Well, I have some 45s, a ton of 33 1/3 lps, but the stuff on 78s never really interested me, so not a single one is on the shelf. I used to have Buddy Holly, Bill Haley, Elvis, Little Richard, Paul Anka and Jerry Lee on shellac 78s. Shellac melts.

11-24-2022, 06:17 PM - 3 Likes	#5107
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Why did the ghost get a ticket from the game warden? He didn't have a haunting license. Sorry......

11-28-2022, 06:43 AM - 8 Likes	#5108
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do" she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember". "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do" she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today".

11-28-2022, 07:54 AM - 2 Likes	#5109
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 40,451	Originally posted by Parallax A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do" she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember". "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do" she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today". If I'd shot you when I should have I would have been out by now.

11-28-2022, 10:16 AM - 4 Likes	#5110
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Are people with no sense of direction non compass mentis ?

11-29-2022, 08:52 PM - 10 Likes	#5115
clackers Otis Memorial Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Melbourne Photos: Albums Posts: 16,397

11-29-2022, 06:32 AM - 11 Likes	#5111
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 40,451	I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. "I wish to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish." "Fine," I said, "then I want to di e the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!" "You crafty b*stard," replied the fairy.

11-29-2022, 11:14 AM - 4 Likes	#5112
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,106	Originally posted by normhead I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. "I wish to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish." "Fine," I said, "then I want to di e the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!" "You crafty b*stard," replied the fairy. Mark Twain was right, we have the best government that money can buy. How little things have changed since Twain's day.

11-29-2022, 11:32 AM	#5113
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 40,451	Originally posted by WPRESTO Mark Twain was right, we have the best government that money can buy. How little things have changed since Twain's day. My father used to say "Ohio State has the best football team that money can buy." Followed by the "The difference between the Cleveland Browns and the Buckeye football team,? The Buckeye's make more money."

11-29-2022, 01:33 PM	#5114
StiffLegged Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2018 Photos: Gallery Posts: 4,617	Originally posted by normhead If I'd shot you when I should have I would have been out by now. A craftsman I knew of said of his infamously difficult employer: "If I'd murdered him after I finished my apprenticeship, I'd be out by now and could enjoy my work" Plus ca change.