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01-20-2016, 11:25 AM - 1 Like   #1
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The Joke Thread

Share your jokes!

A man walked into a bar, ouch!

A dyslexic man walked into a dar.

01-20-2016, 12:05 PM   #2
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What do you call a guy with one short leg walking through the Autumn leaves? Russel.

Fred and Hilda went on a cruise. They were older and retired and Hilda was hard of hearing. While sunning on the deck a gent alongside of them struck up a conversation. He asked them where they were from. Fred replied, Chicago. Hilda asked what the man's question had been and Fred, in a loud tone told her, "he asked where we were from." The gent then said he once knew and dated a woman from Chicago. He followed with ..."she was the worst <potty mouth word deleted by mod> I have ever had."

Hilda asked again, what did he say? Fred said loudly...he thinks he knows you!

A guy called 911 to report that he thought his wife was dead. The 911 Operator asked why he thought this? The guy responded...."Well, the sex is the same as always, but the dirty laundry and dishes are piling up."

I get these from Otis, but 99% of them can't be posted here!

Regards!

Last edited by Parallax; 01-20-2016 at 01:03 PM.
01-20-2016, 12:14 PM - 3 Likes   #3
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Student to teacher: What comes next miss? 15, 21, 35, 40...
Teacher: Uhh, I don't know... give me a minute.
Student: 70
Teacher: How did you get that?
Student: It is Limited knowledge...

Sorry, I just made that up. It's a terrible joke...



QuoteOriginally posted by Rupert Quote
I get these from Otis, but 99% of them can't be posted here!
I figured...
01-20-2016, 01:54 PM - 3 Likes   #4
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Similar to my last joke:

Student: What comes next? 31, 43, ...
Teacher: I'm not sure.
Student: 77
Teacher: I don't follow...?
Student: The knowledge is FA to Limited for you to know


Last edited by bertwert; 01-20-2016 at 02:29 PM. Reason: Removed quote and reply to deleted post.
01-20-2016, 04:37 PM   #5
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I've been blocked out of this thread....maybe this will get in...maybe not...if you don't see me here help someone else and tell them to never listen to Otis, he delights in your punishment. Filthy minded little rodent....
01-20-2016, 04:51 PM - 2 Likes   #6
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QuoteOriginally posted by Rupert Quote
I've been blocked out of this thread....maybe this will get in...maybe not...if you don't see me here help someone else and tell them to never listen to Otis, he delights in your punishment. Filthy minded little rodent....
I saw that...
Just keep it to family friendly jokes and watch your language now... resist the mind control of Otis

There is water on Mars:
01-20-2016, 04:58 PM   #7
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Well, I can see that last post, but I got a notice I was blocked out...so I am not coming back...not going to push my luck! ......and anyhow Otis has a whole line of filthy jokes he wants posted. My apologies for listening to this little sick pervert and posting things that you all know are totally against my core values. Maybe Otis slipped me a hypnotic and put me under his spell? I wouldn't be surprised, once I left my bottle of cold beer on the deck to take a phone call and I walked out just in time to catch him about to wee-wee in it.....can I say that here?

Anyhow, get some good jokes going, I'll be watching but not posting...and don't listen to Otis should he send you a PM with jokes to post. You could end up like old Rupert...or worse....they probably only gave me a warning rather than a lifetime ban because I am old and have two broken feet?

Regards!
01-20-2016, 05:52 PM - 2 Likes   #8
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What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A platoon.


Sorry to anybody that was in the Marines. Former Army here and I had to do it.

01-20-2016, 08:53 PM - 2 Likes   #9
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An Englishman (Pom), a Scot and an Aussie walked into a bar and each ordered a beer.
The barman delivered the three beers and each noticed a fly struggling in the frothy head.
The Pom, with a look of distain, pushed his beer away.
The Scot picked the fly out and drank his beer.
The Aussie grabbed the fly and started to wring it out and shouted, "spit it out, spit it out, you @#$%^&*(!!".
01-20-2016, 09:34 PM - 5 Likes   #10
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QuoteOriginally posted by bigdavephoto Quote
What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A platoon.


Sorry to anybody that was in the Marines. Former Army here and I had to do it.
How do you address a lawyer with an i.q. of 45?
.
.
.
.
"Your honor"
01-20-2016, 09:48 PM - 1 Like   #11
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An Englishman and a Scotsman were passing by a pub and neither had the price of a pint in his pocket.
The Englishman said "watch and learn". He went into the pub, ordered a pint, and drank it. The bartender demanded payment and the the Englishman said "I paid you." "No you didn't" "yes I did", etc. The bartender finally threw him out.
The Scotsman went in, ordered a pint, and just as he finished it the bartender said "did you see that bloke that just left? He stiffed me for a pint!
The Scotsman finished his and said "Listen laddie, I dena have time ter listen te yer troubles; just gimme me change and I'll be on me way.
01-20-2016, 10:05 PM   #12
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QuoteOriginally posted by bertwert Quote
Just keep it to family friendly jokes and watch your language now... resist the mind control of Otis
I'm just a lurker enjoying the thread. Otis keeps handing me jokes he says are "Mod Approved'.....but I'm not falling for that again. Some are so nasty they make me blush.....but Otis claims they are "good for the circulation". You can't circulate much here if you are banned for life.

Regards & keep 'em coming!
01-20-2016, 10:55 PM - 4 Likes   #13
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation but every once in a while, the lights in the building would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun: the room went dead silent.



She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?
01-21-2016, 06:26 AM - 2 Likes   #14
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Once there was a String. He was just a regular joe sort of String, working a 9-to-5 job he really didn't like, had an apartment, all that. One day he had just a really rotten day at work and as he was walking home he passed by a bar and figured he'd just stop in and have a beer, take the edge off.

So he goes in and sits down at the bar and the bartender walks up to him kinda sly... The String says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender eyes him up and down and asks, "Fella, you ain't some kinda string, are you?" And the String says, "Well, yes I am, obviously." The bartender waves a hand, dismissing him and says, "Get outta here, we don't serve your type in this bar!"

The string is kind of put out by the bartender's rudeness, but decides that since he's already had a long hard day he might as well just go home.

A couple weeks go by and the String has another really awful day at work and as he walks by the bar on his way home he decides he'll try again, 'cause a cold beer sounds like just the thing he needs after a long day.

He goes in just like before and sits down at the bar. Of course, it's the same bartender, who takes one look at the String and recognizes him immediately. He says, "Hey buddy, I thought I told you before! We don't serve Strings in here! Get out and don't come back!"

The String is super pissed. Already having a bad day and now suffering the indignity of being thrown out of the bar by some string-hating bartender, he's just seething.

After work the next day the string goes home and comes up with a plan to disguise himself and go back to the bar, just to pull one over on the hateful bartender. Looking at himself in the mirror the string wiggles and contorts his long, stringy body into a wad, then he ruffles up his normally sleek hair into a fuzzy mess. He looks totally unlike himself! Unrecognizable, even! "This is perfect!"

He goes straight down the street to the bar and is glad to see the same bartender working. He sits down and orders his beer. The bartender brings him his drink and as the String takes his first sip, the bartender is staring at him and asks, "Say, you look familiar. You ain't that string that's been coming in here lately, are you?"

And the String says, "No! I'm a frayed knot."

01-21-2016, 01:04 PM - 1 Like   #15
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