Not really a joke as such, but here goes anyway:

Three photographers met up at the end of a long days shoot, all enjoyed a round of drinks, at the end of which it was time to pay.
Each put in $10 (3x10=30) and the waiter took the money off to the till. The bill was only $25, so the waiter picked up the change of 5 $1 coins (5x1=5).

On his way back to the table the waiter has realised that to split the $5 between three is going to be difficult, so he pockets two $1 coins and gives each of men back $1 (3x1=3). :ugh:


Now, the problem that has bothered many for a long time is that if the three men each put in $10 and got $1 back, that means they each paid $9, there are three of them, so that makes (3x9) $27....plus the $2 the waiter kept...makes $29.


So where the bloody hell is the other dollar!!!! c'mon 'fess up.

That should keep y'all busy for awhile.

Cheers.

God this is so old. The waiter has 30 bucaroos. He gives 25 to the "till" one back to each patron, 2 for himself. So 25 +3 = 28 plus the 2 for himself = 30. What missing dollar?

For Damn Brit:

[jmc7104]

Here is an easy one to understand.

[Gooshin]

(for those that need the joke explained)


there is a drink called jaggerbomb... you drop a shot of jagger into beer (usually)

and the black guy is the dude from Pimp My Ride who always says the same phrase over and over again.

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

[axl]

not much of a joke but saying:
better bird in the hand then woman on the roof

not much of a joke but saying:
better bird in the hand then woman on the roof

So that's what married life is doing to you.

[Peter Zack]

A photographer goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, "You are a beautiful woman, would you like to sit for me at my studio?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and quietly says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which the photographer responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[lithos]

Jim the builder has been arrested for murder after the police find a body buried in his backyard.

The detective leans over the table in the interrogation room and says, "All right, Jim, you bastard - how many did you kill?"

Jim replies, "17."

The police go back and dig up his backyard some more, and find a total of 25 bodies.

"You sick bastard," says the detective, "You said you only killed 17, but we found 25 corpses!"

"Aw, c'mon," says Jim, "I'm a builder. It was only an estimate."

****

Descartes walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "The usual?"

Descartes replies, "I think not" and disappears in a puff of smoke.

[navcom]

In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes.....

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high (70,000 ft!). We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed." "90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech, not wanting to be outdone, asked the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

There was another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, how is 1,742 knots".

No further ground speed inquiries were heard.

[navcom]

OK...one more.....

An airline captain was on approach to land on a fairly turbulent afternoon. The landing was quite rough but all ended well and they taxied to the terminal.

As was custom with the airline, the captain was required to greet the passengers as they exited the aircraft. He was not looking forward to this duty as he was sure someone would have a smart comment about the rough landing.

His spirits climbed as almost the entire aircraft cleared without a single comment. One of the last persons off was an elderly lady who approached him. "Can I ask a question, sir." she said. "Of course, ma'am!", he replied.

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

[Peter Zack]

My apologies to anyone that works at the big three.

[Nesster]

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly....and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."

[Nesster]

Two pilots come off an all-night bender in their hotel bar and stumble
onto their flight, evading TSA officials and somehow getting buckled
up in the cockpit without alarming the crew. They get the plane off
the ground without incident, but along the way to their destination
they both have a hard time keeping from nodding off.

One says to the other, "I have just the thing for emergencies like
this," and produces a rather large flask of Old Bushmills from his
flight bag. The two commence having a merry time getting their senses
back in order. Laughing and joking, cocky as ever, they bring the
jetliner down to the airport; but when they hit the ground, their eyes
suddenly go wide as saucers and they frantically apply the brakes.

The jet screeches and veers and bumps and rumbles as it is brought to
an almost castraphic stop, causing attendance to bounce around like
soccer balls and baggage to rain down onto terrified passengers from
lockers overhead.

Finally, luckily, fantastically, the plane comes to a halt at the very
last inch of available runway.

"Man," says the one, settling shakly back into his seat, "that was the
shortest runway I have ever tried to land on."

"True," says the other one, wiping his brow. He peers blearily out of
the windows, looking all the way around, and then exclaims, "but would
you check out wide this sucker is!"

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Kathy?” Kathy takes a sniff and replies, “That is nice. What’s it called?” “Viens a moi,” replies Nancy.
“Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?” At this stage the store clerk offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, means ‘come to me’ in French.”
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, “That doesn’t smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?”

[ftpaddict]

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Kathy?” Kathy takes a sniff and replies, “That is nice. What’s it called?” “Viens a moi,” replies Nancy.
“Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?” At this stage the store clerk offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, means ‘come to me’ in French.”
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, “That doesn’t smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?”

Not that family friendly, Gary.