I did one of these a while back, and I think people enjoyed it at the time. How it works is that I'll start a story with a sentence, you can post a sentence (or two) each post and let a few others post between your posts. I'll keep the story updated here. I look forward to the story we'll create.
The Story So Far:
While the young monkey sauntered down the street, the birds sang beautifully and the sun shone done.
"I get the lead in the world's shortest story," thought the monkey sadly." He forgot his punctuation.
He must mean "'.... the sun shone. Done!!''
"Out came a cricket, with a passion for poetry: sure he meant John Donne! Shine here to us, and thou art everywhere; This bed thy center is, these walls, thy sphere."
Our little sphere floating like a blue marble among the stars. But it is not a sphere, thought the monkey, the earth is flat! Otherwise the birds would simply fly off into space!
His mind was now spinning, oh the gravity of gravity! The sudden weight he felt on his shoulders made him feel depressed. However, he spotted a banana plant and decided to stop for a bite to eat. However, the monkey had a great disappointment in the eating of the banana; the quality wasn't very good as it was a zoom banana, not a prime banana!
Suddenly he saw a bagpipe player marching toward him. So promptly stuck a banana in each ear. He quickly removed the bananas as he missed the beautiful sounds of the pipes and immediately ordered a SMS neat. Knowing he would need to be inebriated if he was going to tolerate the gawdawful sound.
After a bit of fortification he decided to fight evil with evil and pulled out his banjo. But the sound of the bagpipe was so lovely and intoxicating he resolved to destroy his banjo and learn to play the bagpipes. "Bagpipe duel" soon ensued! And they all lived happily ever after. The End.
However; it was not the end, an accordion player from hell walked to his door and started producing the worse sound you have ever heard. However the brats, sauerkraut and good brown mustard he brought made it all worth it. Plus beer, lots of beer.
After having consumer copious amounts of the beer an argument blossomed between the pipe blower and the bellow pusher over who could blow the most hot air. It was obvious to everyone in the room they are both big blow hards, and both are full of hot air.
'Should I have a concern with this thread?' ...said Kerrowdown, sipping a dram of Uisge Beatha amidst his Ladies.
The monkey posed with his bagpipes and asked the famed photographer for a portrait. "I have a feeling that you may well know me too well. Everybody needs "the water of life"... and some fine Ladies in their life."
... said Kerrowdown as he continued to ignore the bard sweetly spinning his tale.
When into the pub walked the most beautiful female monkey our hero had ever laid eyes on. (now Kerryowdown can really start to worry.)
"Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me" started playing the bagpipe player, dancing merrily around the female monkey, while the male monkey was scowling at him.
It was at this point that good ol' Kerrowdown decided it was time to intervene. He reminded all attending that all heroes have feet of clay and it was well past time for Bertwert to buy a round for the house. Everyone got drunk on the good stuff - except the monkey.
Suddenly, he jumped up and exclaimed “I must depart on a quest to dispose of this cursed r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶ necklace,who will accompany me? S̶a̶m̶,̶P̶i̶p̶p̶i̶n̶,̶M̶e̶r̶r̶y̶,Bert?" S̶a̶m̶,̶ Bert glanced at the others and,looking into his pint mug, muttered “No,you’re alright,think we’ll sit this one out”
Suddenly the most beautiful person anyone had ever seen walked into the room and handed out some papers and declared that "you've all been legally served for attempting copy right infringement, have a nice day. "
"Hahahahahahahahaha!" the monkey laughed hysterically. "The joke's on you, lady. I have registered 'have a nice day' as MY trademark. You have used the words in a public Forum and you now owe me a GAZILLION(TM) peanuts!"
At his point the taxman showed up and slapped a tax lien on all the monkey's property and topped it off by garnishing his wages until he paid the 2 GAZiLLiON(TM) penalty for not paying taxes on his one GAZILLION(TM) income.
The stunned monkey was is such a state that he bit a coin. It got worse for the poor monkey. Otis came in to claim the peanuts and wasn't happy they were gone and asked, 'Has anybody seen the accordion player from hell?'
Everybody stopped in their tracks and looked around fearfully. They didn't fear the accordion player had disappeared. They feared the " musician " would start to play again.
Then Icarus, melted wax wings and all, came falling from the sky at terminal velocity. He slammed into the accordion player ending the threat and everyone cheered the sacrifice of Icarus. Then Bert came in with his bagpipes. He tried to give them away, but noone wanted them.
But once he noticed the struck-down accordion player he resolutely stuck a pipe down the player's throat and worked the bag to resuscitate him. Although the " musician " was revived, the depraved accordion was totally and irreparable destroyed to the joy of all.
"not much l-l-love for g-g-ood ol' m-m-music here" stammered the poor sod, still tried by the whole experience, and limped away unsteadily.
An elephant came crashing through the wall. It was being ridden by the poor sod of an accordion player. But then Nicky Mouse appeared.
Nicky, the very unknown cousin of Mickey was very amused at the sight and laughed his poor head right off!
The non copy righted relative of the other guy said " boo " and the elephant freaked
"The problem", the accordion player from hell said amidst the ensuing calamity, "is that nobody will talk about the elephant in the room, just spook it." "You talkin' 'bout me?" said the elephant, from his hiding place in the curtains.
"Hmm... I was already there long before this post... Not me mate, I have nae a scooby as to what's going on... "
...said Kerrowdown as he wandered around confused. Just let me sit quietly in the corner with a wee dram of SMS [ leave the bottle ] he requested.
Aslyfox made the same request but chose a different corner.
The bagpipe player corked all the holes in his bagpipe, filled it with whisky and started to drink from the blowpipe. He consequently, and curiously, started speaking Italian.
"Levatemi il fiasco... levatemi il fiasco sennò stappo tutto e mi rimetto a suonare!"
1 he said in a drunken voice.
"Think it maybe time to be beamed up... Is that my request? I'm not sharing a corner with you or a bottle for that matter.
As good as his word he attempted to follow through on his threats blowing spirited bubbles from his pipes ending up with playing a rather experimental underwater version of Händel's Water Music. (All the while the confused laird of the Highlands continued his incoherent ramblings.)
Aslyfox stated again:
I want a separate corner and bottle of SMS, I'm not sharing.
"I wonder why..." The problem is... the room is circular, so corners are sadly lacking.
" curses, foiled again "
Suddenly some Animal Rights activists rushed in to take the monkey into protective custody and a bunch of Temperance Movement demonstrators proceeded to beat the drinkers into submission with their placards. It was a sign! Our hero had failed.
The monkey decided to leave these losers and hitchike to Portree. Which is where he met the Portree Kid.
2
At this point a cute little imp in a Squirrel Scout uniform showed up with a sign up sheet.
"Anybody want to order bacon flavored SMU's?"
3 she asked.
The monkey asked "What are SMUs?"
The harsh outcry surprised all who thought the monkey was still in Portree as the groans became more audible as they realized they were wrong ( as well due to the injuries received in the riot by the temperance folks ).
"I like s'mores better that SMU's... whathever those are!" the monkey continued.
The monkey ate his banana
While he was eating, he wondered if he would ever find out what bacon flavored SMU's are, Google was of no help. To the monkey, it meant 'standard metric unit'. He was pretty much pissed at having to find a 3/16ths hex wrench for his new guitar's truss rod...
Au contraire, the informed crowd roared, it is standard measurement unit, used to show scale in photos of newly acquired items.
Well, he did admit to being pissed... ;-)
Bacon flavored units did not appeal to him, so he had some bacon flavored bacon instead.
Next he pondered the eternal question: Why is haggis so delicious?
“That's actually an opinion. It isn't right or wrong. Some think it is delicious and others may think differently, but everyone likes Thin Mints!” said the monkey.
'42!' answered the parrot. 24 said the bear
"Where the heck did this bear and parrot come from?" thought the monkey
At this point the Kangaroo said: "Since Australia is a NASA fraud, I cannot be real and you're dreaming all of this."
"Who asked you?" the monkey addressed the kangaroo. "Get me a beer and hop to it!"
The kangaroo hopped away never to be seen again. Crying as it went, no deposit, no return.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into the bar.
The rabbi was telling the joke of the Italian, the French and the German.
The bartender looked at them and said "What is this, some kind of joke?"
They replied " we're suppose to meet a shaolin monk here. He is our fourth so we can enter the contact bridge contest "
The Lord had said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life". However he came fifth, after the Shaolin monk, and won a t-shirt.
His nickname was " Johnny come lately "
Then came the son of General Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus, preceded by great fanfare and clarions.
Everyone raised their head from their pitcher, but when he entered the bar they all got back to drinking.
It was only Sextus.
The monkey left the bar in disgust with a banana in each hand and ear.
the cry from the crowd was loud and clear: bert buy another round and where are those bacon appetizers any way
A Vogon impossibly huge yellow something showed up and started demolishing the bar, not to make way for a hyperspatial express route as you might expect, just to construct another D road to nowhere - and spend six years in doing so.
Time to grab your towel, the cry rang out ( you did bring your towel, didn't you )- ...and don't panic!
Keep calm and carry on.
so long as the bees are here - - - , wait has anyone seen the bees?
The beers, you mean!
"There's no problem that won't be better by sitting down with a cold beer, so as long as the beers are here all is good," said the Rabbi.
It was now that Kerrowdown noticed the bears approaching, creatures he did not recognise, as he is from Scotland.
He asked where they came from and the knowledgeable crowd said " Chicago "
"No!" shouted a Swede as he rose from the ruins of the now completely demolished bar, "You are all wrong! De Beers come from Vooruitzicht!"
Because de bears are forever.
1"Take the bottle from me... take the bottle from me or I'm uncorking everything and start playing again!"
2 3SMU = Standard Measuring Unit
Last edited by bertwert; 06-24-2018 at 07:59 AM.
Post #11 by robtcorl
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