Inactive Account Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Brisbane, QLD, AUS |
Lithos' Sarcastic photo website tips, after trying to google reviews for the K-7:
1) Copy-paste text from press releases and label them as "reviews" in the page header, even if the press release is release six months before the camera. Churnalism like this ensures you'll quickly climb to the number one hit on Google, even above the official manufacturer's website, as everyone'll think you've got some sort of sneaky insider working for you.
And you'll look like you're first with the review, and people'll disseminate that for you!
Of course, about half a second after the page has loaded, the viewer will realise what you've done, but it doesn't matter, as getting clicked on is what matters.
2) On clicks: get sponsors. This, my friend, is the brass ring. Imagine - Nikon sending you a D3 to play with, along with a dozen Nikon baseball caps, Nikon polo shirts, Nikon business card holders, Nikon ashtrays, Nikon home pregnancy test kits, Nikon furniture polish, Nikon oven cleaner, Nikon canned ham, and Nikon carpet tacks. (Note: Replace "Nikon" with "Canon" in this list, depending on who wins the bidding war for your site that month.)
3) Shortly after receiving that D3 and the "press kit," realise that Nikon is the most awesome brand camera ever made anywhere in the world.
4) Ethics, integrity, research, unbiased facts, clearly labelled opinion pieces: that's all old-journalism crap web-based tech-journalism doesn't need. It's for stuffy old hacks who write for newspapers, man - what you line your budgie cage with. Inverted pyramid - bah!
This is meant to be edgy, hip, new-school. That means sarcasm, and farming out reviews to your fifteen-year-old stoner nephew (call it gonzo journalism, which'll bring in the hipsters.)
The web is bringing democracy back to journalism! That means that any old crap is treated as a paradigm of people power! Oh, sure it's wrong, biased as hell, maybe even borderline crazy, but we should all be grateful for the fact that someone's challenging Big Media™.
5) When you have to actually do a review (possibly because Canon didn't send a batch of handmade Belgian chocolates with their latest DSLR, as a subtle hint) just take the camera, take a few frames of your cat in Auto mode, and say something deep and profound: "Yeah, it's pretty quiet, and the frame rate's fast." That's about as technical as you have to go. For the rest of the review, just list the spec sheet.
Pull a completely arbitrary number out of your arse for the final score, as long as it's between 7.5-10 (if scoring out of ten; remember, decimals make it look like you've thought it over) "Final Score: 8.5/10." Percentages allow for even greater faux-precision.
Any lower than 75% or equivalent risks you pissing off sponsors.
A review shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes to write (including time spent playing with the camera.)
6) Remember, it's a photo website, not a bloody gallery: you don't actually have to post any pictures. God, what are you now - a photographer? Well, yes, but not that sort of photographer.
7) And know the hierarchy of cameras! Bias towards Canon if you're going for the "pro" image. Towards Nikon if you're going for the old photo-dog image. Towards Oly and the 4/3 crowd if you want to be seen as young and trendy.
Whatever you choose, don't forget: it's always good to piss all over Pentax...
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