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08-10-2009, 07:50 PM   #1
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Maybe this would explain why I don't do well on internet forums?

I know I should have realized this sooner, but every single time someone says something that I either take wrong or seems mean or rude, I completely shut down and think that they're just being a jerk to me and I want to fight back or be mean back to them, which usually gets me banned. Could that be it?

08-10-2009, 08:04 PM   #2
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Cody,

I am going to put my thoughts into this post from a general perspective, not relating to anything specific or that might have recently occurred.

Normally a reaction (instead of a response, which is measured) is an indicator that there is truth to the matter or they've been unjustly accused... take your pick, the truth is always there and usually obvious. Sometimes a direct or blunt method of communication can be perceived negatively. Is that perhaps what you are having happen - a negative perception and thus a negative reaction to someone who is very direct in how they convey their message. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that, it comes with being able to take something at face value. Look past what you perceive as an attack. Most often, it's not about you at all...

OTOH, I have no sympathy for disrespectful folks - there is no reason for not being civil, even it you disagree. You can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Regards,
Marc
08-10-2009, 09:19 PM   #3
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Well, I think one should always be a bit careful what you say on the internet in general. It's also been my observation that some people do seem to take on somewhat personas when comunicating on-line and many times this is manafested in rude or worse behaviour. OTOH, the delete key is quite handy on my keyboard...

Also, sometimes it's just better not to respond to attacks/slights or try comunicating directly with personal messages to work it out - if possible. I'd second what marc says too.

Tim
08-10-2009, 09:40 PM   #4
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You'll survive - you already have 1,100+ posts.

The problem with internet boards is that we don't have visual or audio cues that we generally have in face-to-face communication, or at least audio cues that we get when we talk over the phone.

We're generally driving blind here... because it is quite a large forum (at least for a newbie like me). We can get familiar with frequent posters but it comes with its own risks. It's easier to be civil than to say something in jest that may be misconstrued.

Having babbled away, you do realize I have no clue why you started this thread?

08-10-2009, 10:13 PM   #5
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Cody, you quickly get to know (from the tone of their messages) those who you feel are abrasive, arrogant or rude. Biting back doesn't accomplish redemption, and bottling it all inside doesn't do much either.

Cybercommunication has so many limitations as described before, so try to take perceived rudeness with a grain of salt.
08-10-2009, 10:55 PM   #6
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My turn to weigh in Cody and it's going to be long but I hope you read it all.
For every type of person you meet in life, you're going to meet the same types on a forum, especially one as large as this one.
In real life if you meet the agressive type, your fight or flight mechanism sets in.
On a forum, the flight mechanism is somewhat subdued because of the anonymity and the lack of physical presence and the fight mechanism is enhanced for the same reasons.
Unfortunately when you 'fight back' on a forum you are going against your nature and panic sets in because once you 'fight back' you're likely to get another aggressive response. Where do you go from there? You fight back again and the panic rises even more because you are going even further against your nature. Soon it spirals out of control and you feel like crap. The person whom you have been fighting with probably doesn't feel like crap because they have been going less against their nature than you have.
The end result is that others reading the posts think less and less of you but their feelings don't really change towards the person you've been fighting with because they are used to that person being the way they are. As a consequence, you are perceived as being disruptive but the other person isn't.

Another problem I feel that you have is that you don't give people a chance so people don't feel that you deserve a chance.
All of the regular posters on this forum have one thing in common, they have developed relationships with other members, even members that they butt heads with from time to time.
You come across as wanting everyone else to change to keep you happy. Realistically that's not going to happen. You however can change, and in changing, people will start to change their attitudes toward you. Not every one will, that's life but enough to make a difference.

You're not going to develop any relationships (not positive anyway) where you are currently posting, you're just going to butt heads and nothing is going to change.

The best place for you to develop relationships with people is in Post Your Photos and Mini Challenges, Games and Photo Stories.
BUT YOU NEED TO BE INTERACTIVE. I've just been through the threads you have started in Post Your Photos. You have started nine threads and I found the word 'THANKS' only once, that was in the earliest thread. Most of the time you don't even bother to respond at all. People take notice of that and consider you ungrateful so they stop commenting. Thank people and also start commenting on other peoples pictures. You don't have to critique them, just pick ones that you like and say so and why.
Finally, DON'T expect things to change overnight, you have to work at it and be sociable. People have to have a reason to like you. The fact that people are taking the trouble to post in this thread means that people do give a damn. Now it's up to you to convince us that it's worth our while continuing to do so.
08-10-2009, 11:15 PM   #7
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Thanks for that. Most of the time I actually just forget about my threads in post your photos, I'll try to remember.

08-10-2009, 11:34 PM   #8
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QuoteOriginally posted by jct us101 Quote
Thanks for that. Most of the time I actually just forget about my threads in post your photos, I'll try to remember.
Good and post more, you're talented, let your pictures do the talking for you.
08-11-2009, 06:15 AM   #9
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QuoteOriginally posted by jct us101 Quote
I know I should have realized this sooner, but every single time someone says something that I either take wrong or seems mean or rude, I completely shut down and think that they're just being a jerk to me and I want to fight back or be mean back to them, which usually gets me banned. Could that be it?
shut up and make me a sandwich

i kiddd i kidddddddd
08-11-2009, 06:34 AM   #10
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QuoteOriginally posted by Gooshin Quote
shut up and make me a sandwich
And pour me a beer while your in the kitchen.
08-11-2009, 06:42 AM   #11
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Ratlike-weasels

Hello Marc! Your statement is accurate, and the "taking it personal" part is what always fascinates me. As if some rude, crude,or ignorant poster went on the net specifically looking for "you". Rest assured that the wingnuts and fruitloops are just as obnoxious in real life as they are here or on other sites.....well, all except the little ratlike-weasels, but they only develop tiny gonads when they are on the net, not in real life.
Regards
Rupert
08-11-2009, 07:42 AM   #12
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QuoteOriginally posted by Rupert Quote
... but they only develop tiny gonads when they are on the net, not in real life.
Regards
Rupert
I think that this is a fine example of what Marc was talking about.


....Where is my horse? I think I left my gonads there.
08-11-2009, 08:03 AM   #13
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Cody,

I know this is going to sound like it's coming from left field, but please try to follow this through.

We are all born and raised from an early age in a competetive environment. Most of us have ingrained in us a competitive nature that drives us. When we are in our late teens and in our early 20's the competitive instinct is further nutured in us via Universities & College either academically or physically through sports. As we graduate, we continue to compete to get a job then it continues in the work place.

My own experience in a nutshell...

When I was young, the competitive side of me wanted to win ever argument and shout my point of view to everyone so that I could be heard...

Then, as I go older, I accepted that there are some people who will never see things the same way I do regardless of how hard you try to make them do so...

The as I got older still, I realized that arguing your point of view doesn't matter anyway because all your friends are too set in their ways and the newer generation sees things from an entirely different perspective.

Nowadays, I realize if I argue to long I lose my voice. I also do not have enough I time or attention span for a good argument. I can only pick and choose when I want to be heard since I don't have the time in my life to get into long drawn out discussions.


What you don't see is that you are only going a phase in your life much like all the rest of us did at one time or another. You'll will hopefully realize that a good discussion is a good discussion, but you're not going to change anyone's viewpoint on anything unless they we're ready to change it for themselves. If you understand that then you'll see that an Internet Forum is no place to change anyone's viewpoints.

Then again, I could be entirely wrong & you may just hang around Pentax Forums forever posting threads & getting sucked into arguments that become flame wars, but you'll need thicker skin for that. So you can either grow thicker skin or stop taking these things so seriously & certainly or personally. Don't forget, nobody wins an argument of "opinion" in an Internet Forum. We only get to express your opinion here.


GC
08-11-2009, 07:41 PM   #14
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There you go, that's at least six people that give a damn about you and the rest that posted are probably proving to you that they're not quite as bad as you thought.

You lucky bastard.
08-12-2009, 05:10 AM   #15
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

Mark Twain

I'd like to offer an observation as a corollary to that, if I may: I've had more than my fair share of people getting pissed at me on the internet and thinking I'm a total *******.....usually because the other person was too busy being ticked off at and reacting to what they thought I had said rather than what I actually had said. You mention yourself taking things the wrong way or having things seem to be mean or rude. The way you worded that is important, as it means at least some of the time the problem is from within yourself. Though it might not seem like it, that's good news, since you have some degree of control over yourself, while you're just sort of stuck with how others are.

Start by learning to avoid the common pitfall of reading what you think a post says instead of what it actually does say. Operate on the assumption that there may have been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line rather than just assuming rampant *******ry.
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