Well there is no good solution, that is what sucks about camera bags--especially when you have nice, versatile equipment in significant quantities like yourself. The other thing I have noticed is that people are very very partial to the brand they like the one I hear alot of lately is crumpler. I dont think I could own one of their bags because of their stupid names!
Your restrictions also present a challenge that seems like it could only be solved by going to a place that had all these camera bags in one place so you could try them out, I wish this place existed so we weren't limited to online shopping and guessing on measurements.
I have been using this bag for the last year and it has served me well
Mountainsmith
It probably wont take your camera with the DA*200 attached but it should fit standing up by itself. It has a shoulder strap that can be worn over one shoulder or like a sling and a waist belt to take most of the load and it can swing around for quick changes. There is an additional backpack strap option for longer trips or a more even load distribution.
Mountainsmith
I bought a long toploader that I use when I have my 400mm attached and use the tour fx for my lenses but I dont think there is one bag that does it all and does not have a disadvantage. I also just bought a traditional backpack with more space because I think I want to keep everything in one place but I am not really sure about that.